Searched to be lost, not to belong.

happy birthday to me

2009-11-14T02:37:00.004+08:00

23. i hate all numbers exceeding 21, seriously.

damn all your birthday promises and wishes.

i don't know how i didn't manage to throw myself on the highway to meet a quick death. or choke to death from an overdose of medicine.

you give me so much pain, and i will never be able to forgive you.

beneath all the smiles, so still lie the terror and wretchedness you so sparingly provided to me.

i really want to stop crying for your callousness, but i can't.

because there's still the love and anamnesis in my splintered heart.

2009-11-14T02:34:00.001+08:00

i can't breathe. breathing needs a tremendous amount of effort, now.

when i relate our pleasant memories to my friends and mouth your name, the effort to brace up to the new reality has to come with another effort to block the tears from entering my sockets.

now i understand fully how she must have felt at the time, even though the tables are turned. messages never exceeding six words at one time.

it is like someone dying. someone leaving your life. someone said to pretend to hate and let go, but it is an impossible task. i never hated anything about you; i just got exhausted from all the negative emotions.

wishes that fell, i have no heart to pick them up and rebuild pieces of my pathetic life all over again.

bruises on my limbs, their colours never change because feelings are choking up the red streams.

eyes that are permanently swollen, i sob day and night.

seeking exit out of pain

2009-11-14T02:32:00.000+08:00

i was brave enough to say this was the end, but i fought hard before it rained hard on me, that it was really the end, our end.

over dinner, i wanted so much to grab your shoulders, and remind you of my love, and beg that you won't hurt me like that anymore. such a scene was so disturbingly familiar; i was too aware that i wouldn't derive a different outcome, hence i shouldn't set myself up for another grieving session alone under my pillow.

i wanted this to be a peaceful parting, not a bitter exhibition of emotions when i walk out of your life for the betterment of your life.

how long ago have you stepped one foot outside my window, just to make sure that i was still alive and breathing?

2009-04-14T17:32:00.004+08:00

Okay, I realized I haven't updated for 6 months. School's been insane, my tuition kid is driving me up the wall, I'm not getting enough rest. And I'm blogging now when my first examination is tomorrow, so cut me some slack please!

YEAH!!! I got my Signature Zoe!! I know Coach belongs to an "accessible luxury" segment, but it's the most I can afford for now, as a starving undergraduate. You see, I need to wait another 10 years before getting my GUCCI bag, so let me make do with this cheaper thing for now.

And alas, I found out through Google I didn't buy exactly what I really wanted. I wanted the Coach Carly. I don't know why I didn't have the logical thought to search Google Images instead of browsing through the Coach official website. I feel a bit sad, because I really like the deep vintage red straps and slouchy shape of Carly. So now I need to comfort myself that they don't have excess stock of Carly so Zoe is still a BRILLIANT choice!

The first thing I am going to do after the damned exams is to write to Tiffany Yo, Perryn Khoo and Jasmine Neubronner. I can take up to 2 hours to write one email, and I really need to be in the right frame of mind to organize my thoughts concisely.

And when this Monday starts, I'm going to be a tiny part of Tuas for 4 months. My social life is going to be locked down by 4 hours of travelling to-and-fro daily. Here is how my new schedule works:

I knock off at 6pm.

It's a 20 min bus ride to Boon Lay interchange (and 15 min of waiting for the one and only bus service).

At earliest, I'll reach Boon Lay MRT at 6.45pm.

At earliest, I'll reach Tampines MRT at 8.15pm.

It's a 10 min bus ride back home (and 15 min of waiting for the bus services).

I'll probably bathe at 9.00pm, and be done within 15 min (not inclusive of blow drying my hair).

So long I am in bed by 10.00pm, I am guaranteed 8 hours of sleep when I wake up at 5.45am.

Sounds soooooooooooooooo fun right! This means even if I meet my friends in town, on weekdays after work, I can only see them for 1.5 hours before I need to catch the train back to Tampines.

You thinking about weekends? I'm tutoring my kid on Friday evenings (yes, after 2 hours of travelling) and Sunday noons. Leaves Saturday exclusively for me. And I just realized the "GET YOUR SEXY BACK" campaign runs its events on some SATURDAYS.

AWESOMEEEEEEEE. So I'm gonna party on Saturdays like no one's business. And the best part? I'm missing TWO days of school because of my internship. So no proper day of rest even before my last semester begins.

I AM COOL WITH THIS OK, and you need to encourage me to keep my chin up, like what Kelly always says. This is my dream internship since 16, so I really want to make the best of it.

some goodies!

2008-11-29T03:58:00.004+08:00

My sister was the first to give me my birthday present! This pair of really, really exquisite earrings (creator only makes one pair per design) was ordered from oriental-rose.blogspot.com! They may seem dainty, but the gold plating and the swaroski crystals are big weights on the hefty price. Not as expensive as diamond studs, but they are the first earrings that really made me feel so special, like a princess!

And she got me this 2009 Disney Princess calendar from Borders! Freeeeeaaking $29.95 can? I am going to hang it on my wall FOREVER.

I showed off to Dad and Mum immediately and Mum said I was childish. WHATEVER. Girls cannot have PRINCESS DREAMS mehz?

And then, Ru rushed to HCM lesson to give me SIMS 2 UNIVERSITY! Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Thank you so much my dears Ru, Liang, Chris and Gaston! I asked Ru if she wanted me to fail my exams by giving me this on Week 13, two weeks before my 1st paper.

I only opened the pack 2 days ago, frankly. I was disheartened to open it immediately because my PC's graphic card is burning from my Sims 2 Nightlife & Celebration Stuff already, and I also need more RAM to prevent lagging screens! So I didn't want to get myself excited before I get new stuff to make my PC more powerful, for SIMS of course!

And I got my only-in-my-dreams Escada Moonsparkle! Pris told me they had stopped producing the line to make the perfume exclusive so I had already given up hope.

I FUCKING FORGOT to bring my PENCIL CASE for my BP exam today. Can you believe it?

Ru was so shocked she said twice, "YOU NEVER BRING YOUR PENCIL CASE?!!!!!?? HUHHHHHHHHHHHH??!!!"

I borrowed a pencil and pen from her before running to Gaston the Stationery Daddy with the ENORMOUS quiksilver pencil case in hope of an extra eraser and liquid paper. HARD LUCK OF COURSE.

If I can even pass, I'll laugh all my teeth out for you to see.

More pictures of Pear and Diva but I got another paper on Monday so ttfn.

Birthday Surprises that made me wanna Cry

2008-11-29T02:57:00.007+08:00

On 10th November evening we were supposed to have our HCM meeting at school. I was uber bored because I had a Mandarin meeting before that, and it was a no-lesson day for me. Earlier in the afternoon I saw Bezae holding a BreadTalk plastic bag from afar and I was thinking this guy really loves bread man. He always brings a tuppleware of sandwiches to class on Thursday mornings.

When I saw him coming to the bench holding the BreadTalk plastic bag, Jasmine ran to him and both of them started talking behind the pillar and I couldn't really see them. So I got out of my bench to talk to Bezae, "HEY IS THAT DONUTS FOR ME? WHY YOU NEVER BUY DONUTS FOR ME? I WANNA EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!"

Jasmine stared at me oddly, and she walked away looking kinda pissed. I was like, did I do or say something wrong?

So I looked back at Bezae and realized he was holding a small cake box, and he had this really really awful sour look on his face.

I had ruined my own surprise. (as usual every year i do the same thing to all my folks i wonder why they still wanna crack their brains man)

But I was so happy! I never expected this from them, not from project mates!

Bezae didn't make sure the box was upright and so the chocolate mousse toppled over the side of the box. He tore the side of the box and told me to eat the cake using that as a "fork". I had two small mouthfuls before continuing with the meeting, and Bezae gobbled the rest up while Jasmine and I were hard at work.

No wonder Jasmine was getting more pissed off with him. But it's okay we share the love and the cake (and the calories).

30 mins later I heard a stupid car horn and I didn't care less because I was so focussed on my discssion. This guy just came behind me in the midst of our discussion, called my name and passed me 1/2 dozen of J.Co. donuts!

Seriously I got a shock man because he appeared out of a sudden, but I was REALLY REALLY happy this time because I was craving for donuts so badly (and BJ already ate up my tiny cake). And then I saw Daryl's face peeping curiously with his nose pressed on the car window. Yes he was looking at Jasmine. Wth.

Bezae is so gay! He chose a donut with white icing!?! I thought only girls liked icing! See he eat until like that, like specky old man, haha.

Here's all my HCM group members. And Professor Thomas Menkhoff. He is a slack professor so I like him (so superifical of me rite).

Jasmine looks so cute here with her arms reaching out! And Ian can't smile for nut's sake.

Miss Grote is 2nd from right and she speaks so fast I don't understand what she is saying after asking her to repeat 3 times so I give up 90% of the time.

As some of you may know I took up a module called "Doing Business in China". We have to submit our assignments in Mandarin, discuss in class in Mandarin, and present in Mandarin. All these of course googling in Mandarin and blowing up the words on the screen to make out what they are in the course of research.

And Zheng Fu (we like to call her miss government) planned another birthday surprise on the actual day of my birthday! Because we had to stay back late in school for a rehearsal.

I left school at 11.30pm.in 1/2 an hours' time, it was not my birthday anymore and I had to present in Mandarin without a freaking script for the first time in my life.

Guess who is Ha Ha. Yes my friend's name is called Wu Haha. She doesn't like the name her grandfather gave her (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS), but we think it's verrryyyy amusing.

Ha Ha is the 1st girl from the left! Look whose picture Zheng Fu is holding!!

DENG XIAOPING!!! OMG!!

Thank you everybody for making that week so special for me! I was really surprised and touched by all that spontaneity. I love all of you very much!!

november cakes

2008-11-20T02:14:00.004+08:00

happy birthday to JIE JIE & ME!! my sister's birthday is one week after mine!

my jie jie bought me many mini cakes, but my parents gobbled all of it up, i ate only two pieces! sad story!

and i surprised my sister with PRETTY PWEETY CUPCAKES!
i like, she like, EVERYONE LIKE!

YUM YUM! I WANNA EAT AT CANELE ASAP!

my balloon party

2008-11-20T00:43:00.006+08:00

After learning some basic balloon sculpting for a community project at KK Hospital's Children Wards, I decided to further hone my skills through a popular master - YOUTUBE.

But this would not have been possible if I was afraid of the awful sounds of bursting rubber.

Here are my proud creations!

There are about 3 different ways to make a 6 petal flower, but I only learned one method, and this method results in swollen hands and fingers.

The caterpillar is relatively easy to make, despite its seemingly complicated structure.

More pretty flowers!

I made a lot for my sister! Flower, dog, bird, rabbit, caterpillar.

I am seriously considering to take up advanced courses in balloon sculpting. I wanna learn how to make Elmo, Hello Kitty, Tweety Bird kind.

But then I realize if I don't touch my balloons after a while, I actually scream at the popping sound! And yes I believe I can no longer manager my cuticles.

birthday blues

2008-11-12T01:13:00.002+08:00

Happy 22nd birthday to me! I'm spending my birthday in front of my beloved HP Pavilion Desktop PC watching Fan Gun Ba, Dan Chao Fan!

And in the next 12 hours, I'll be spending the rest of my birthday in school - dressed to kill, my Dutch professor of course. Or rather, he'll murder me instead during the 40 min presentation. And thereafter I need to stay back in the evening to rehearse for my Mandarin presentation on Thursday afternoon. ULTIMATE BUMMER. Birthday and Week 13 blues.

Thank you for the SMS-es! I already ruined my 1st surprise yesterday, and Bezae gobbled up my surprise at a go with angry glares from Jasmine. Lovely someone turned up right behind my back with 1/2 dozen of my favourite J CO. donuts!
Later I'm going to surprise another two people instead! But I don't expect any more surprises for the rest of the week because I need to calm down for my Business Processes exam. FREAK.

Can't I have a tiny little break (from damned school) to enjoy some chocolate cake and ice-cream?

2008-11-07T01:43:00.003+08:00

I lost a friend, but I understand why she's half-hearted about getting close to me. My heart is filled with anger because I don't deserve this, yet I know everything happens for a (good) reason, and God has his own wonderful ways of making me learn about the world.

By the grace of Lord, he put two friends right in front of me, at the beginning of the school term. I was blinded to see at first, but slowly I realized they could mean a lot to me.

I love Jasmine T. Neubronner and Bezae John Yeo.

I need to look further, and see that there is still some glimpse of hope in my life. Maybe, I am now 99% liability (as opposed to 110%) to the people around me.

www.photofunia.com

2008-11-03T01:33:00.004+08:00

OMG. This is damn cool. My face is on Beckam's abs!

Per and Pris are on some Minnesota daily!

2008-10-25T13:30:00.002+08:00

I keep pushing my threshold of tolerating bullshit from people, who think I can be a damned sucker constantly giving in to them.

If you know me, you know I can be extremely selective about who I want to be nice to, and if you're not on that list, it either means I think you're a total bitch/jerk, or that you've done something to piss me off real bad.

I am, and I can be very capable of hurting you if you do not fucking wake up your lazy ideologies.

2008-10-21T23:53:00.002+08:00

alvy says i should go out, have some fun, stop thinking about things, so i can heal faster. and i really want to. but how do i get the fucking time? i really hate school now. it's as good as entering the real corporate world of politics. can't believe how badly i wanted to enter SMU and begged my mother 3 years ago.

if i had gone to work after getting my diploma, i wouldn't meet with so much shit, wouldn't bring stress to my mother, wouldn't be pulling my hair out over my meals, wouldn't force myself to give up shopping for several months, wouldn't make uninformed choices. and wouldn't be judged by my own opinion by Caucasians and smart asses.

i know i am not a bright spark, im nowhere near an average IQ as well. but i work very very hard, and life has already dealt its cards with me.

the only thing is that i know God will not give me more than i can take, but so what, being stronger doesn't mean i will not fall down the next time. i won't even let a next time happen.

2008-10-18T03:07:00.003+08:00

somehow, i don't talk as much anymore. i am not a fan of sms-ing on my lousy SE W610i, but seems like i have no other way or be a complete social alien.

perhaps i'm sick of letting people know the same old story, perhaps i lost a great deal of confidence in whatever i do, perhaps i have really changed a little within.

i don't organize my to-do list anymore. i don't do my work promptly. my work desk is in a mess of eraser dust, highlighters, post-it notes, files, notes, rough paper, and more notes.

while i feel like im burning out, i turn to red bull. when red bull starts tasting like spoiled cough syrup, i put on my ankle socks and wear my mother's badminton shoes (none of us own proper running shoes). i run a few miserly rounds in the neighbourhood park before doing 100 skipping sets. twists and turns, left to right, right to left, must be done whenever i am free. and 50 sets of thigh flexing before i head to bed.

if not for these, i wouldn't be able to stay up till 3am to do my work. amazing. i hated exercise. yeah i might look a little odd now, but i think i'll look fat again when the holiday comes. i feel like eating a nice buffet on my birthday!

i am dating my sims 2 nightlife at least twice a day.

i am building up a plot for an elderly gothic old witch to be bitten by a vampire (can be accomplished by a cheat but that's too boring). i am building up a korean superstar's career to reach the peak of his career at the young age of 22 sim days old. in the midst of all these, a lot of woo hooing is a must or there will not be enough friends to meet career advancement criteria.

you can woo hoo everywhere, in the photo booth, hot tub, car, bed. i just wanna keep my sims happy.

oops project meeting at 9.30am tomorrow and it's 3.20am now. bu-bye and i'll see ya on PET SOCIETY!

lies

2008-10-12T11:29:00.003+08:00

everything i ever knew were lies and fabricated stories to make me sad, to protect me, to make me realize how selfish i was.

the head does not want to do what the heart wants to seek.

2008-10-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

my favourite forever 21 vintage double necklace broke while I was crossing the road to school on Monday noon.

the green man was blinking, the timer was counting down, but i stopped mid way to pick up the gold pendant . i couldn't find the montana oval piece on the road. as i stepped up on the pavement, i heard the cars and bikes roar their engines, and noticed how the black tyres rolled furiously over the dusty road. no way back. i stared at the road for quite a while, trying to look out for what i lost.

how did it separate from the pendant? time didn't give me a chance to find the missing piece.

i am not a superstitious person, but even i had a gut feeling this was something bad. i lost something really important to me, and maybe, i lost someone, for good. shattered on the road, broken in my world.

this was a preceding event to what i experienced in the later evening. God had his way to tell me. i wanted to say my final goodbye to everyone and find my pretty Sunshine.

2008-10-09T19:12:00.004+08:00

i realized my blouses were getting bigger. i could hook another buckle hole. my tights were close to skinnies instead. my hip bone would be prone to knocking the corner of the table again.

actually the best and fastest way to lose weight is go through a break up, without giving up good food or exercising intensively because you just lose your appetite.

i lost 2 kg in a week. Cenosis didn't even give me my money worth 3 years ago.

but then u also risk your system breaking down on you and surviving on a drip and needle.

you cry, and take more away from your body.

you think, and take more away from your brain.

you sleep, but you're as good as half dead.

2008-10-08T21:14:00.003+08:00

this kind of love hurts way too bad. you think, time heals, but i think time only serves to hurt me further. your words are like shiny knives poking and scrapping off the veins out of my limbs, my heart pounds faster and faster, and the pain still cannot compare to what you actually did.

the thin white bandages can't hide the crimson seeping out, the wounds take long to heal.

i am not convinced of my conviction. but i have no other way. why, you. but i still care so much.

2008-10-03T22:58:00.002+08:00

And I still cry so easily. Those waves won't leave me easily. Everyday, I will be reminded of what you did, every week I will evaluate my self-worth, every song tells of a love gone so wrong.

Perhaps out of two one ought to be happy, to balance things out.

2008-10-02T19:43:00.004+08:00

Time: 7.44pm.

Supposed: The Box at Sweeney Todd screening

Coerced: Li Ka Shing Library

Activity: Mugging Business Processes OPIM201

Mood: Terrible. Upset.

Unintended: Helping a Minnesota student called Lucas with BP.

Mood: Weird. (i thought the gold haired ones were way smarter than me)

Can I really take in all that hurt? I asked Shar if I could stand up ever, again. I asked the Lord to give me strength, and I remembered I asked many times. I wonder if he ever heard me through my anguish. Ru stroked my hands countless times ever since we studied in the university. She must have known about my pain, because now her strokes are much gentler and her eyes turn soft upon looking at me.

I think people saw my facebook statuses. They probably wanted to say more than hello, but I didn't give them the chance. I look at the many couples on the train, in campus, on the bus, I wonder if they're happy. I wonder what would they do in my situation. And I can't find any comforting answer.

Is there something wrong with me? Is it my errorneous judgement, or is it the human heart's tendency to be fickle towards novelty?

Maybe, I'll take so much longer. Maybe forever, this time. I am challenging my level of tolerance.

Where can I find what I need? How can I dilute the intensity in my heart? Do I really care about the answer since life is going to be like that, anyway.

fly away

2008-10-01T12:39:00.006+08:00

It is time I let go, and loosen my grip. Perhaps this kind of generosity is pure stupidity; it stings real bad till my heart can't beat the same way again, but I think I have cleared my debt. The rest, is up to you.

I want to fly away into the grey skies and think not of the times I cried. Can I find Sunshine there?

i am missing my baby

2008-09-25T01:40:00.008+08:00

my sister has taken to excessive blogging lately, so i am trying to keep pace with her such that she won't be bored of seeing my old entries. i love your cheesecake; it's awesome! make a creamy strawberry shortcake for me next time.

each time i enter the house and close the door, i have the tendency to switch on the 2nd light of the living room, hurriedly put my bag and laptop in my room, then call Sunshine really really loudly, like "Heloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Sunshine! Utu mam mam boy! I missed you!"

usually he is sleeping and he would awaken at my noise, looking up at me with a confused expression and squinted eyes.

his running wheel was faulty; the previous exact 2 wheels i got for my hammies would spoil easily too so i gave up on buying new ones as this brand was the most expensive one on the shelf. my daily task was to unscrew his running wheel so that he could run properly. feels weird not doing it everyday.

at times i turned the wheel too fast and he couldn't keep up with my speed and tripped over. at times the wheel got stuck and he would be shocked as to why he suddenly couldn't run anymore. i never got tired of times like this.

whenever i got bored of schoolwork and wanted a tiny break, my first step was to visit Sunshine (and disturb his naps). now i can do that no more.

i saw mum chopping cabbages the other day. usually i would ask her if she had given some to Sunshine (often the answer is a yes she is quicker than me).

i enjoyed telling my parents about the adorable and comical things that Sunshine did, like him curling up in a soft white ball in one corner, grooming himself on the wheel and climbing to the top of the cage, desperately holding on with one paw before giving up.

now i don't speak much to my parents anymore. there is some emptiness in my heart and my home i need to manage.

in place of his cage is a white ikea stool.

so lifeless, so dull, so sad.

for those who wonder why we loved Sunshine so much, for those missing him badly, for those who hasn't experienced the joy of owning a pet.

At 2 weeks old.

At 4 months old.

i'll never find another hammie as lovely as Sunshine. everyday i look at his favourite pink wheel on my desk and i feel like crying.

an evening with mr foxfoo

2008-09-25T01:29:00.004+08:00

Since a long time I haven't spoke to Rong. But every time Rong forces me to take pictures. And I'm too lazy to dish out my 7.2mg camera, so we used his 3.2mg camera. The trade off is that I won't have to take a long time to do collages cos the files are much smaller.

Never knew the bugis fountain square had its photogenic angles.

He insisted on copying my "1, 2, 3, ..., 10" shots. I taught him a few of my house styles.

I wanna see your lovely drawings on those children's books! And will you draw a cute caricature of me with Sunshine one day?

Thanks sweets for buying the Logitec mouse for me!

Till the next time, don't stop being positive about life. God will occasionally send wonders to remind you dear.

forget-me-not

2008-09-25T01:04:00.005+08:00

In case you forget how I look like.

I not only have fat arms but a fat face. DAMN.

I find that smiling can be boring.

you are my sunshine

2008-09-20T23:44:00.003+08:00

Sunshine didn't wait for me. Didn't wait for me to coax him to sleep. He gracefully went into the loving arms of the Lord, and the Lord took him with much kindness.
He lay in his favourite spot, right behind the exercise wheel. Eyes closed, his tiny paws slightly tensed.

I saw him sleeping soundly, so I didn't switch on the lights or it might wake him up.
An hour later, I did my usual thing, sit down in front of the cage to observe the little fella. He was still sleeping, in the same position. He shifts his sleeping positions very frequently, so I was puzzled.

I moved the cage. He didn't move. I tapped on the cage. He didn't move. I shook the cage. He didn't move. It hit me in the head. I wailed out loud. Bellowed and bawled continuously. 1.40am.

He must have left me an hour and a half ago. His body wasn't very cold. But stiff enough to push the cruel news in my wet eyes.

Why didn't he wait for me? Why didn't he wait for me to say my last farewell? What am I going to do now? How do I tell my sister?

My dad ran from his sofa and cuddled me in his arms. I tried to break away, trying to fully acknowledge my grief, till my head tilted backwards and my father nearly fell together with me. I don't quite remember what he said to me.

Mama came out of her room, staring at the both of us. She didn't step forward to look into the cage immediately. She already knew. Daddy looked at her and said those awful words. Mama said his time was up.

She told me to stop crying, with a hint of strictness yet sympathy. I didn't obey. I couldn't see anything through my brimming eye sockets. After a while I used the back of my hands to vigorously rub away the water from my eyes, but still, I couldn't see Sunshine clearly. I couldn't see if he was sleeping or, dead.

I covered my face wailing louder. I stood up and entered my bedroom. I sat on my bed, wondering what to do next. The crying had been reduced to subdued weeping, before turning predictably into loud sobs.

I reached for the phone and dialed Adele's number with trembling fingers. It was bedtime for her but she answered the call as if she expected it. My whimpering episodes started again. My lips couldn't bring themselves to form the words. Her anxiety was overflowing to my line. I said, "Sunshine....sunshine...he left us...he left the family...he didn't wait for me...he didn't....".

While waiting for Adele to drive over, I sat down in front of the cage and braced myself. And picked Sunshine's lifeless body up. I told him to wake up. He didn't budge. I stroked his fur gently, pulling all the sawdust that had stuck to his thin body. Now I had to prepare for his burial.

As I looked upon Sunshine, I thought of the time he was first brought into the house.

**********************************************

Adele (holding a Pet Safari paper box): I brought you your birthday present!

Athena: Er....Jie, I don't think I can take up this responsibility. I'm really busy with school and I won't have time to take care of it.

Adele: Of course you can! He is really adorable, you will love him, Athena. I thought of a name for him. His name is Sunshine.

Athena: Jie, I'm really not sure.....

She opened the box slowly, and the white furry infant, sitting down, turned his head around fearfully and looked up at us.

Athena: Oh my god...he is...he is...beautiful...like Snowy...

Adele: I spent a lot of time observing him before I got him. He didn't play with the rest of the hamsters, he sat in one corner and groomed himself. He's really gentle and hand-friendly.

My parents came over to look at the baby. They were amazed. But they also said I couldn't keep it. Sunshine was still looking at us.

Athena: Jie, I can't do it.

Adele: If you don't want it, I can return it to the pet shop (her eyes started to swell) Can't you see he needs so much love? He is so small and timid. Will you reconsider please?

My parents were still shaking their heads.

I didn't want to reject my sister's birthday present to me; Sunshine was a representation of love and companionship for me from her. And he was beautiful, like snow. He was hand-picked by some way of God to be taken care of by our family.

Within a day, he melted my parents' hearts and won them over. I would sit in front of his cage and call his name repeatedly, so that he would know his name is Sunshine.

**********************************************

I poured the hamster powder on him, using the brush in gentle strokes, such that the grain of the fur were in one direction. My hands were quavering. Anguish filled up my heart again, my tears were all over my shirt and thighs; some of them had seeped into Sunshine. Daddy came over and looked at me, his face flushed, his eyes as damp as mine.

Adele and I packed his favourite food of tiny fish, corn, soya beans and sunflower seeds.

2.10am. Daddy searched for his tiny spade. Adele held Sunshine in her palms. We went to the grass patches to bury Sunshine. I counted the 12th concrete tile. Sunshine was given to me on my birthday.

Daddy wiped his tears with his shirt after laying Sunshine in the soil. It was our final goodbye to this little bundle of joy who spread so much love in the household.

I went home, and lay beside Mama in her bed. She asked me what was wrong (stating the obvious). I said, "No more sunshine." She didn't respond and I left my room.

Half an hour later, Mama was awake and reading in her room. Her eyes were red and her face had gone pale.

I went to sleep, the tears soaking up my pillow.

I thought he would survive the crucial 3 days. The doctor wasn't even sure if he would make it back home on Thursday.

My sister said, "Meimei, I know you are tasking with something very challenging. Picking frail little Sunshine and feeding him with so much medicine is not easy. Sunshine brought us losta joy and laughter, now it is time to repay him this little favour and ease his pain to make his last days easier. But if you put in your best efforts to nurse him during this period, don't be surprised that he might miraculously get well again. Our past hamsters all outlived the vet's expectations! If he can get through the next 3 days, his chances of survival doubles."

This message brought me so much hope, and I was motivated to help Sunshine recover. When I fed him medicine the first time, I had to coax him for 20 minutes. A few times I had to force it into his mouth. He was very stressed, he ran away from my hand, and his heartbeat was erratic. He would run for a while, before collapsing and laying down on that same spot to rest. He didn't even have energy to crawl to his usual sleeping area. When he slept, his eyes were big, wide open. He took quite some time to fall asleep. My heart ached so bad at the torment he was suffering. The pain was in his teary eyes, it was in every step he took, it was in every heartbeat.

The next day he got so much better and could climb into his food bowl to eat. He would come to my pump syringe for medicine and I was so happy! I was sure he had a chance of surviving the weekend! Still, his inability to fall asleep quickly was worrying, and he always had this resigned expression. Even when I stroked him to sleep, his eyes wouldn't move.

No more medicine from those horrible syringes. My baby is in heaven, free of pain and sadness. I neglected him because of school, but I gave my best shot during his last few days. Thank you God for giving Sunshine some time, and giving me the last chance to show my love for him.

You gave me the best years of your life.

You kept Daddy awake in the mornings with your exercise regime.

You snatched carrot sticks and cabbage leaves from Mummy.

You banged the water bottle on the cage grills when it was empty, to alert us.

You climbed up the cage, sniffing attentively when I had my afternoon chats with you.

You peed in your food bowl as a baby and I would scold you.

You threw tantrums when I rearranged your bedding in the corners.

You jumped into the food bowl and ate for a good 10 minutes when Daddy replenished in the mornings.

You fainted for a while when Adele put the durian seed near your nose.

You always expect us to hand feed you when we opened the cage.

You climbed up so high till you couldn't take your weight and plunged into the bedding (many many times).

You tried to escape whenever we opened the cage.

You loved munching on apples and grapes.

You bit my palm so hard that I didn't ever want to carry you again.

You were so brave and crawled on Adele's arm without falling.

You were afraid of the dark when you were 2 months old and squeaked for a few days in your new home.

You loved your pink wheel so much you would sleep, shit, groom yourself in it.

You flashed your "Do Not Disturb" sign when you hid under the wheel.

You shared a bit of my bread with me.

You ignored me when I annoyed you while you were grooming.

You hated me brushing power on your body.

You made us love you so much, and now we're hurting from all that missing.

When the sun shines upon the green fields, I know you will keep my heart warm with your eternal love.

balding Athena

2008-09-19T11:27:00.019+08:00

In light of my horrifically thinning hair, my sister brought me to the dermatologist. Everyone thinks my hair is long so it's doing okay, but my height prevents you all from seeing the devil hopping from one area to another on my scalp.

I've been whining to everyone! Only a few people really scrutinize my scalp and agree with me. And my family thinks I'm just being vain.

I waited from 10.30am to 1.20pm to see the doctor. I was swearing my mouth off. And there was this anal old lady at the counter (supposedly the doctor's wife) who insisted my sister couldn't sit beside me because she wasn't the patient. She said it so loud in the small clinic. And she has this retarded requirement that all patients must sit EXACTLY in their queue numbers in the L-shaped sofa. FUCK YOU cos I don't pay over a hundred bucks to be shouted at by a senior citizen in glasses trying to control where I sit. She is so fucking mean I tell you she told an old man off (loudly) just because he didn't hear the bell ring which indicates he can enter the doctor's room.

The doctor diagnosed my condition as "male pattern baldness", this condition does occur in women but it is very, very rare.

The best news? THERE IS NO CURE FOR IT.

Doctor says I can take some medicine to minimize hair loss. If the treatment doesn't work after 6 months, he will not treat me anymore.

I felt like crying. It's like having a permanent big zit on your nose.

The bill came to $183.00 (stupid money grubber old women). My sister's jaw dropped and the more I felt like crying cos it was not like the treatment would definitely work for me. Thank you jie jie for everything you've done for me.

So here is the $118 worth of medicine ($65 for consultation).

Includes a shampoo, a minoxidil hair spray and spirondactone tablets.

I found some photos of myself when I was 17. I'm so shocked. I had pink hair.

Scares me a little. What do you think?

old school cinema

2008-09-19T11:27:00.013+08:00

This is how we make film FUN!

Shimona is "now showing".

Our film booth on VIVACE! Seems like we're magicians selling pirated DVDs and tidbits man.

Our proud creations of popcorn and mars chocolate bar. Now you regret not visiting my booth to look at them.

We also got ZOcards to come in!

Jan and I with glitter top-hats (and the glitter spilling on all over my face)!

Pretty Shimona and Cheeky Athena.

Shim is acting cool once again without me noticing!

And my lovely Edwina!

So chaotic, so busy.

But at the end of the day it's all worth it because I had so much fun!

my sailormoon story

2008-09-19T11:27:00.005+08:00

Some of my peeps know about my famous Sailormoon little pink bag. They laugh at me when I carry this out because it is so kiddish. Story is that when I was in primary 4 and crazy over Sailormoon, Daddy bought this bag for me at Seiyu Bugis for $29.90. I had been eyeing the bag during my previous two trips to the departmental store before I pestered my Dad to make a special trip downtown.

I loved my new bag because it made me feel so girlie (pink, with all the baby Sailormoon characters), I brought it along when I went visiting during Chinese New Year, and used it for Sunday school to put my bible & stationery for about 6 months or so (before changing for a new bag).

As a kid I forget the old things when new toys come along. The bag was chucked somewhere in my room until I did my springcleaning early this year and found it as good as brand new. I don't know what I was thinking when I was 10, but I definitely won't pay $29.90 for such a small bag today! Not one with sailormoon prints! Even if it's made in Japan!

I guess my value of money has changed tremendously despite my earning power as an adult. I want to make good value out of this freaking expensive bag so I'm using it whenever I go out to the nearby coffeeshops and shopping centres in the East.

I also realized, for a kiddy bag like this, the designers had incorporated a safety feature. Robbers and kidnappers can't easily dig into my bag and steal my Barbie wallet and Polly Pocket pencil case! There is a drawstring cover at the top of the bag! AWESOME!

I made Ee Chow carry my bag on his shoulder because it looks so ridiculous! My relatives also teased me about being a little kid. Hrummph. It is cute mah.

One night I met Shar for supper and she said she knew I would bring my sailormoon bag along (fyi i brought it to orchard for shopping once okay)! And for some reason she bought me a brown polka-dot bag from Bangkok. I think I'm the polka-dot girl in her eyes because she bought a polka-dot bag for my birthday before.

And I'm also the girl adoring black tights in her eyes.

Thank you Shar for the new bag (does not diminish my attachment to my Sailormoon bag) and new tights!

2008-09-17T23:16:00.002+08:00

Sunshine is very ill. He may leave us anytime, as early as 3 days. He can't even climb inside his food bowl to eat. I had to feed him manually because he can't move very well. He can't even sleep properly. He sleeps lope-sided with eyes wide open in pain.

It happened so fast. Three days ago he was still fat, furry and cute, constantly stuffing his face with sunflower seeds. Now his greediness is torturing him and his system is all mangled up.

My vision blurred when I see how he wriggled his thin body towards my fingers holding his food. I failed as a responsible owner. I was so busy with school that I didn't notice his health was failing. If I had done something earlier, perhaps I could save him a little bit of pain.

I couldn't even accompany him to the vet. We nearly lost his heartbeat at the clinic and the doctor had to pump oxygen in the poor little creature.

My sister returned home with 3 types of medicine. For one, frail hamster. He had to be fed at least 6 times a day. If he survives these three days on a slim 20% chance, he'll be alright.

What if he doesn't? I need him.

The other one has already left my world. Now another beloved is struggling with life. I am truly alone, forever.

school and all blues

2008-09-02T02:15:00.003+08:00

This night, I won't forget. The towel was thrown in, and all the nasty exchange of adjectives and nouns were in a tornado spinning on four sides of the boxing ring. No one won. He walked away broken, angry, and his fatigue mixed up with heartache. His forehead was bleeding, and his purple knuckles weakly aided him to jump off the ring, never to compete in a match again.

I slumped against the ropes, lips cut and blood slowly flowing down to my neck. I was in this huge concussion, like the fragile scalp of my head fiercely ramped into a long, metal clothes hanger jutting out of nowhere. I visually go through this episode of pain when I feel that little bump on my skull while running through my thin hair. I had been wholly responsible for holding this match, and I also knew the outcome. Staged, predictable, but good for both of the opponents.

No counts of 1, 2 or 3. But a mutual decision to put this match behind us and walk on. Even if attempts to feign happiness prove to be futile, there is no other way and life has dealt its cards. When the huge bell sounds, it is my cue to get out of the grey cloud zone and walk into sunshine. Not without a black winter coat though.

They share similar characteristics. One of which is to hurt people badly like nobody's business, feel guilty when they found their next half, regret their doings and then attempt to make up for the hurt in a lousy fashion. But you know what, this stings even more because you are raking up the angry past I have so forcefully buried deep under. Why did you even do what you did in the first place? Why?

Maybe one day I will be able to smile at you, and enjoy the aromatic smells of your favourite mocha. Maybe one day, when we have both truly appreciated the meaning of love and life.

2008-08-27T11:17:00.004+08:00

The number of true friends you have, I think, can never be more than what you can count on both hands. And that's why, I am so damn protective of these few people in my heart. If people care enough, they will be honest, face your defensive criticisms about their words, maybe even give you a slap in the face, but at the end of the day, they care about your well-being and will give you the support you need, whenever and wherever.

It takes a lot to break my heart and disregard everything we shared in the past. When Rong asked me about B, it was like this wave of hurt came over me and dug out all my old wounds, my lingering questions that were almost dead, now. So, try not to ask me about B, okay? I don't mind if you personally ask her why did she do what she did and break all of our hearts, come back to me with the answers. Other than that, don't take the first step and say anything about her.

Because I am really very sad why she had to leave my world that way.

2008-08-27T02:13:00.002+08:00

Darn. Week 2 only and I realized I have to go back to school every single day for project meetings or CCA meetings. And my homework and readings are already starting to accumulate because I am having trouble finding time to hand-write notes on my seminar slides from soft-copies. UNIVERSITY, I HATE YOU.

I have been shopping online so frequently. I have vehemently decided that I am going ahead to buy a floral Maxi Dress and a crochet top once I get my 1st tuition pay. And perhaps a new schoolbag that doesn't rip my hair off when it's on my shoulders, if I get extra money somehow.

Oh yes I'm tutoring a Primary 4 girl. Previously, I was supposed to tutor two children, a primary 1 girl and a primary 3 boy who are siblings. But the boy decided to quit and his mother decided to stop wasting her money on a son who did not have the least bit of motivation to pass in school. The tuition centre revised the rate from $18/hour to $10/hour if I were to continue coaching the girl only, so obviously I declined the assignment. I felt so disappointed because I was looking forward to coming up with creative, visual ways to teach the primary 1 girl.

Then God gave me another chance seeing that my mum keeps threatening to rent my room out. My primary school friend introduced me to her niece who needed Maths and Mandarin tuition. I didn't realize that the pay is much more than the market rate until Shar and Jeremy filled me in. I am very delighted and motivated to do my best for this primary 4 girl. She shares a loving relationship with her father, which reminds me so much of what I have with my Dad! While her father was talking to me about her Maths studies, she was tickling his chin and playing with his hair. When her parents told me to use the cane to whack the "monkey" if she was naughty, she showed victory in both hands, shook her head, and smiled at me! Really cute kid. Her actions are so similar to me at her age.

This is the first time I'm attempting to teach Mandarin, and I'm really nervous about it. None of my friends have ever taught Mandarin! No tips from them. And they seem to think I won't do much of a job. I won't be surprised.

I really hope I can help the girl achieve better grades because her parents dote on her so much and I don't wish for their money to go to waste either.

Rotaract Club welcome session and Communications social this Friday. My off day. Bloody boo to that.

2008-08-19T05:14:00.003+08:00

At 3.48am I ran out of my house in pure madness at this time of the month with black cats following me and ashes in the wind everywhere. I gave him my last blessing.

I never cried so hard in my life before. I'm trying to be as silent as possible, curbing my sobs under the rolled blanket, so Daddy won't hear me in the living room. Luckily I'm not in school right now I don't have to pretend everything is rosy and alright. Time is running out.

There is no hope, no future left. I will deal with it and give myself time to heal. I don't think I ever want to look back at this entire episode again, it's so desolate and unhappy.

I'm gonna bring Sunshine in my room and look at him till I fall asleep.

him

2008-08-19T02:44:00.007+08:00

I switched off my phone for the first half of the day because I didn't want to go through a day without receiving his calls or messages. It felt so strange, so lonely and empty. Then I couldn't take it and switched my phone on. Bad mistake. Darn one.

Every time I slide my phone, I would hold my breath for a second, then get so disappointed. The school term only serves to remind me everything good and beautiful is over, serves as a medium to direct my desolation away, not all of it I guess.

Tiffy said it's gonna hurt and hurt until I become numb. I wish I could go to cold Canada and hug her tight and tell her of the hopelessness I have in my heart. She's so far away from me.

I wish for him to pay for his car comfortably, that his performance will be recognized at work, that his parents would enjoy spending more time with their only son, that he will start school soon and begin a new lease of (better) life.

When a good girl comes along to bloom the wiltedness in his sunken heart, I wish that she would lay the neck pillow behind his neck when he starts his engine, share the same love for old school emo rock, entertain him so that he doesn't fall asleep behind the wheel on the highway, be as excited about console games, sings her heart out at the KTV, walk with him on his favourite part of East Coast beach, share strawberry ice-cream with him, hears him out when he throws tantrums, watch HK serial dramas with him, team with him at arcade basketball .........
and locks his arm because he feels very loved this way.

Fallen star. I must find a way to let go of my pain.

When you see a double rainbow in the sky, know that I will be that rainbow in the background to complete your magnificent wonder and beauty.

mayday

2008-08-19T02:00:00.004+08:00

My timetable's crazy. I'm doing a 3 day week, and my Mondays are INSANE. From 8.30am till 6.45pm, I've got three classes. And I didn't manage to fall asleep on Sunday night until 5am on Monday morning. I have a serious bout of insomnia haunting me. Post-Genting blues were sky high when I returned to Singapore last Thursday night and I couldn't stop whining about the sultry weather here. I guess they're fading but I don't really want them to.

I'm so happy to see Ru and Liang in school, they have been familiar faces since I entered university. I get to see Shar, Ping and Hui every Monday morning as well, so they can turn around and yak with us whenever and I'm so delighted!

Shar's haircut is superbly funky. Could never carry off a short bob like her. Don't worry about the back of your hair girl, cos it's gonna grow out in no time. Just don't think about it! (like how I attempt not to think about my thinning hair)

I managed to last the freaking day, feeling totally wasted during my 3rd class Business Processes. Damn effin boring. Puts my spirits way down cos it's like an advanced level of Management Science. EEEEWWWWW. I thought I would faint in the train on my way home. And I'm up at 1am making calls and replying emails to sponsors and president. Start of a no-lifer school term.

Ru and I also made a new friend today! Gil is an exchange student from Israel, and he asked if we could share our table with him during lunchtime at the food court. He asked us a lot of questions about Singapore and our food. He is so freaking well-read. He even knows the government pays us money to make babies. *SNORTS* He thinks our Sentosa beaches are "too young", doesn't feel real except for the sand. He thinks SMRT train fares are very inexpensive (I don't think so relatively in the sickening country with rising prices every month). He thinks Singaporeans are a bunch of "amazing" people who are very friendly especially while giving tourists directions.

And he is so funny. He wore his shades indoors. He was eating Korean bibimbap (hot stone mixed rice) and he started picking one of up the silver fish and waved it hilariously in front of me, "That is so gross!! Look you can see its eye in its clear body! It's looking at you! Why would you wanna eat me?"

Upon close inspection, I realize the silver fish is ACTUALLY quite disgusting. Thanks to this new guy who sat at my lunch table. How come I don't find ikan bilis that inedible. Because they're not silver? Because they don't have black beady eyes staring out of a shining body?

Ru and I were stunned. I went on about how they were the same as anchovies and I'm sure he eats that at home as well. I think I'm going to learn some Hebrew from him, hehehehehehe, and impress my mummy at church.

So I decided to see a dermatologist for my hair, because my hair is thinning at a pace my hamster is running on his wheel every morning. Everybody refuses to believe my scalp is showing like an old wrinkled woman's. That's because you're not taller than me and thank God you don't purposely notice my scalp! I showed photos to my sister and she's convinced to solve my problem. I may have to take steroids as medication, and I am not looking forward to its side effects. But I rather my new hair grow out as I really want to keep my long hair.

I have so many freaking problems in my body. I hate the mole on the right side of my face. I have told mummy I am going to laser it away. I need to see a skin doctor asap. I need braces for my horrid looking teeth.

Mayday Mayday.

of crushed hopes and dreams

2008-08-14T15:39:00.005+08:00

Two years ago I entered into a mid-life crisis when I wasn't even an ounce close to 40. Now, there is no crisis, leaving murdered dreams and never-to-be-revived hopes. I refused to stop fighting the war a few months ago. And I have to fall to my knees and admit defeat after much struggle.

He was the first I ever truly dreamed of marrying. Unlike the others, he didn't take my love as short-term, he didn't abuse me and cheat on me. He gave me all his love. There was never a day I felt insecure or asked to be reassured, because both of us knew we were serious about each other and that we aimed to build a life together.

Like sand over fire, the smoke spits out just like our relationship bitterly ended. I was changing myself to suit him. I didn't realize over time until my sister pointed it out to me. And I also knew that this change would not be permanent and it would create bigger problems. Change or not, another huge problem came up. Actually it was there all along, in trivial occurrences but I was short-sighted to overlook these.

I could continue dating him for another two or three years, so long as I didn't wish to marry. Which is absolutely immature because this does not equate to a long-term relationship. We are not a bunch of secondary school kids kissing in the void deck staircases. I see a number of people around me, living for the moment, like what Roy said. We would never be able to bring our relationship up to another level. A couple quarrel, kiss and make up the next day because one believes "I love you so much, can't do without you, let's forgive and forget", waste several good bloody years, only to find out when they're past 30, that his or her partner can only be as good as a boyfriend or girlfriend, and nothing more.

This is painful, much more painful than what I had expected. Because I still love him very much.

I want to stop hiding and crying under my pillow. I need to get out of the house. Too much rejection has reared its ugly face already. So I packed my bags and walked out. Suddenly the darkness of the night didn't seem so frightening during this month, but rather, it gave me shadows I could hide my sadness in.

Even in my sister's house, I am still reminded of his presence. Putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush in the morning. Drying out the bathing towels for his next use. Snatching the blanket from him in the cold bedroom. Jeering at him at every Wii game. Ironically cheering him on when he's doing a one-player game. I stare back at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror, and realize that the other toothbrush my sister had lay on the counter was not going to be used by its owner, for a long long time. The Strawberry Minnie Mouse plush he had won from those UFO machines for my sister proved his prior presence in all of our lives.

I finally come to terms that two people with a romantic relationship can never part on peaceful terms. Not necessarily chaotic, but possibly grudgingly or regretfully. You can try to be friends, but you know that there are some thing you will never ever let the other one on, because it is too heartwrenching to relate to the person whom broke your heart. You can be cruel, and realize that one day the tables will be turned on you.

I am thankful that God ever arranged for him to enter my life, know my family and wash away my bouts of helplessness. They say some women marry men who in some ways, resembles their fathers' ways and character. I found one like that. Only that we were never meant to be. Hopefully, in the future, we will. But even now that hope is frail.

I'm back to square one. And probably more emotionally exhausted than ever. I don't ever want to date anymore. Tiffany, I wished so bad you were here, I wish so bad. Maybe if you were here things could take a turn for the better. But it's too late.

Goodbye to him, goodbye to whatever blissful wedding ceremony and lovely kids in the fuzzy cloud above my head.

2008-08-14T14:43:00.002+08:00

It's been a month since I updated. Wow. Everytime I toss and turn for at least two hours in my bed trying with all my might to fall asleep ( I don't succeed 89.1% of the time), I would attempt to organize the thoughts in my head so that I would know what to fill in my blog posts the following day (which doesn't actually get carried out 100.0% of the time). I will try now, actually try now.

Countdown 3 days to school starting. So bloody dreadful. 5 freaking modules. I hope I don't die from content heavy assignments or flipping the English-Chinese dictionary. I'm going to be eating air for the next two weeks cos I just found out I need to purchase brand new textbooks for two of my modules. Seriously, it is a hell lot of difference between a 2nd hand text and a spanking new one! Damn.

I joined SMU Film Society! I didn't join an CCA in school because I was already struggling to make time for homework. I went to the Samba Masala try-outs, and it was proven I had no sense of rhythm. I wanted to join Handball, but reckon I would be a clutz on the floor, so forget it. So I'm in a CCA only for the sake of it, for the sake of everyone else besides me joining more than one CCA and for the sake of my future resume. It is so stupid. Like I need a CCA to prove I have leadership or management capabilities? Crap.

But I'm enjoying what I'm doing! The Film Society's interest is in movies and films, and yes, I am a movie fanatic (not too much of Chinese movies though)! We carry out weekly screenings at The Box, food and drinks are provided, all free-of-charge to fellow students! VIVACE is our next upcoming event, and most of the booth materials were my ideas, can't wait for Friday to come and wow the freshmen. Maybe a few people would wanna take pictures with our booth.We've got discount coupons for watching movies and mini movie premiums to be won! I'm not telling! Visit my booth on VIVACE and you'll find out.

Just ended a conversation with him. And somehow, the tears came back to my eyes again. I hate his ex-girlfriend. She can't get over the fact that he broke up with her because she cheated on him twice. She constantly tries to suck up to his elder sister on facebook, with all those retarded applications, especially SuperPoke. So it goes like "Miss Need-A-Life has given flowers to Priscilla" or "Miss Need-A-Life has given the gold to Priscilla". She sms-es him occasionally and even asked if I helped him pay for his new car (her business should be concentrating on being loyal to her partners and stop snatching people's boyfriends). Now, she takes every opportunity of the situation and openly invites herself into his house. Wanting to sell her investment policies to his mother and sister.

So low, so despicable. But Shar's experience is still champion.

2008-07-13T23:04:00.003+08:00

The man whose eyes that watched me grow up, shared the same birthday as me, brought me to see Barbie dolls in Toysrus, carried me in his strong arms till I was as old as 10, fetched me to and fro from school everyday, buy me ice-cream each time we went shopping, told bedtime stories to me and tucked me in my favourite blanket, fend me from my mother's cruel cane, use his hankerchief to dab my eyes when my best friend passed away, those eyes have stopped glistening. I am so scared. I knew the day would come when my parents grow old and feel the pain from Adam's mistake in the garden. Daddy is no longer young and strong. He is vulnerable and weak too, from time and age. And he needs me more than ever. What would Sunshine do without him? I don't want that day to come, when Daddy can no longer see me, see me graduate from school, watch my husband put on the ring on my finger, carry and name my first born child. I am so frightened inside. But Daddy must be more afraid. I do not dare to cry in front of Daddy, I do not dare to look into his eyes and see the fear within, Daddy. Daddy. I will be here for you, your little girl will be your eyes when the light is too bright for you.

New rantings

2008-06-29T16:07:00.002+08:00

After the irritating uploading of photos, I need some space to pen down my thoughts from the last few weeks.

Summers:
Intercultural communication has been very relaxing, and I'm enjoying every minute of it. It's probably the slackest course I've attended in SMU. The Prof openly welcomes comments, almost any kind of comments in class. I'm happy to be seated beside Ru, listen comfortably in class without feeling too pressured to participate, do 1 page journal reports, read selected articles. Don't know why, but I'm more motivated than the previous summer course. Perhaps stress burnt me in Social Media and I can't really appreciate this new medium in an academic way. I guess communication at its basics is still my full-time interest.

Folks:
I think some of them know I haven't gotten over this certain friend who broke off our friendship bluntly. I haven't learnt how to let go except by swearing at the sound of her name. That may seem like pure spite, but it absolutely means I haven't forgiven and forgotten.

Friends that I were really close to. In the past I used to naively think we would remain this way forever. Not in the sense our personality and values would remain constant till we grow old, but the friendship, the warmth, the tears, the joy, the chemistry, the love. I don't know where it went to already. And I realized, to my surprise, I had lost that spark with them. I have no idea whether it was distance that pulled all of us superficially apart, or they don't care as much as I do or simply because, I am different now.

Family:
My sister still needs to be admitted in the hospital weekly, until her condition stabilizes. The bills are obviously a big headache for her. So far the numbers show recovery, but deep within no one has a single clue about what is going on and where the abnormal pain is coming from. It's so worrying.

Uncle bought several men's watches and I got to choose one! I am very delighted because I've always wanted a men watch, one that is big, bulky, heavy, with lots of complicated stuff in the clock face and a thick leather strap.

Love:
Isn't the same anymore. So many things got swept under the carpet, so many things were forgotten easily with much love and forgiveness, only to surface in an explosive way and ruin colourful painted dreams. It's all tangled up inside me, I feel resigned to carry on, I feel forced and I don't think that is going to keep me happy for long unless I am sure of what I really want.

Bidding starts on Tues. Dreadful. Especially if I can't get the subjects I want. Have to reorganize my entire timetable. I'm so scared about taking 5 modules per term.

2008-06-27T22:03:00.006+08:00

Finally met Rong after few dozen years. And realized it was his birthday the day before. Damn. I totally suck at remembering folks' birthdays. 3/4 of the time during dinner I was choking on my noodles and fish meat, coughing till I could feel the reflex work in my intestines, and struggling with death to talk to Rong. Was damn frustrated I wasn't even able to see a few proper sentences without feeling the itch in my throat or fumbling with the tissue box to stuff white into my nose. HORRIBLE FLU.

A little treat of ice blended Strawberries and Cream puts a smile on his face. He's so brotherly and nice to me. I ordered hot chocolate, and my throat still refused to let me go.

Here's the big guy.

And he made me take a picture. I wasn't in a picture taking mood because I was superbly annoyed by my throat and nose. But it was his birthday, and I owed him one. So smiled wide. Yeeee I have ultra fat arms.

We've grown so much since these five years. By some work it is amazing how we kept in contact. His commitment to his Soka work is fantastic, never seen someone so dedicated to religion and relationships. His insights into life are probably very different from any guy of his age and it is always interesting to hear from him. Till next time, buddy. Meanwhile you may go hit on BattleGear.

2008-06-17T01:23:00.003+08:00

6th June 2008. Friday afternoon. I saw my sister break down. The disappointment and sadness was written all over her face. Her attempt to be brave was thwarted by the crack in her voice over the phone. I was shocked. She told me the signs, we anticipated the news; it was just a matter of time and professional confirmation. None of us were excited, we were worried about her health more than anything else.

My sister is far more mature than her age speaks. Having gone through a prior nightmare, she was mentally prepared, but still it hurt to know it happened again. It stung my heart so bad to merely imagine how she reacted to the news, it hurt me even further that her dreams were crushed. It hurts so bad when you are pursuing a life goal but you kinda know it won't work out it didn't work out before someone said it might not work out a second time and then another someone tells you it's not going to happen and even though you already guessed from the start you still wanna linger on to hope which is what runs life every passing day.

I was seated in the car in front of her car. She was following our car. At the traffic light, I turned to look at her. She was dabbing her eyes with tissue, staring blanking in the onward direction. I wonder how she could even bring herself to drive in a traffic jam when she didn't give herself some time to cool down after coming back from the hospital. I looked at Boo. He looked at me, then looked down at the handbrake. He had seen her crying through his rear mirror. When the car started to move, I focused on the passing landscape, streams of green and brown, all merging oddly towards a downward direction. My lips started to part. At first I thought I could wipe them all away with my bare hands, but I couldn't deal with it. Boo took my right hand and squeezed it gently. He didn't say anything.

When we stopped at the petrol station, I got out of Boo's car and went into her vehicle. Boo accompanied her to pay the bill at the cashier. I didn't go. I sat in the passenger seat, in the stuffy vehicle with the engine turned off, trying to compose myself to look at my sister calmly when she walked out of the kiosk.

I stroked her brown curly hair, trying to find the right words to say. She stepped on the accelerator and drove smoothly. During the journey, she kept dabbing her eyes with tissue. Her cheeks were flushed and her hands were streaked with tear stains. I looked away to the window, seeing the colours outside whirling in a weird pattern again. I couldn't open my mouth to say anything. What could I say? Nothing will make her feel better, absolutely nothing. You can't say stuff like "you can try again" or "cheer up" because this doesn't happen every other day. At the red lights or short pauses on the highway, she would cry again softly. I stroked her hair continuously, and finally managed a whimpery "Don't be sad, we're all here for you, we're gonna...". I couldn't bring myself to articulate the last few words because I was already struggling with the lump in my throat.

She told me, "I tell myself, it's just another one. I have to go through this entire vicious cycle again."

The beginning of the following week, I took care of her at the hospital. Just when I thought she was going to come out of the operation, the doctor called for my brother-in-law. Bad news, Boo and I looked at each other. So it really was. We followed the nurses as they pushed her out of the operating theatre into her ward. She looked so frail, so pale like all blood has been drained from her body. Her eyes were moist and tears kept rolling out from the side, seeping into the pillow her head lay on. I dried her eyes, but I was holding back my tears as well. I stroked her forehead, reminding her that it was over, she just needed to focus on recovering. There were tubes sticking out everywhere under her blanket. I was so heartbroken to see her lying in pain. All those blood lost during the surgery, all the tears cried gone to Heaven, but the physical and emotional pain here to stay for a long long time.

There was a bottle attached to her puncture wound to suck excess blood from the operation. It was filled with quite an amount of blood. I wasn't scared because I saw Mummy with one before. Mummy didn't have so much excess blood, but Mummy had to carry the bottle with her for a few days everywhere she went. It was so inconvenient, and it tremendously brought about the feeling of pain.

My sister asked her husband a lot of questions, most of which he couldn't answer. Because he wasn't the doctor. After the doctor spoke to us, my bro-in-law conveyed what was said to my sister. The first thing she said was, "Oh my God." She lifted her weak hands to cover her chapped lips, dived deeper into the pillow's embrace, and I saw tears flowing on her cheeks again.

It's such a tragedy. "God gave women two chances: A left and a right. But now, he took them both away from me". I tried to laugh it off, saying there could be other ways and what's important is to recuperate now. Deep inside, I agreed with what she said. God took away so much from her. I don't know what to believe in anymore. I'm in no position to judge what is right and what is wrong because all of us are sinners in the eyes of the Great Father, but because I have fallen so much I believe these are not trials and tribulations I believe not all things happen for a reason I start to question my own sins I lost more faith in life I don't think God is trying to bless my sister and her new family. I don't want to ask God because he never give me answers maybe I never prayed hard enough never believed hard enough never had enough faith never had enough patience. If there's only one thing to give thanks, it is that my sister survived from the operation and return to us safe and sound. Thank you Lord, for taking away two lives and giving back one to us, I don't care about that two for now, thank you for letting me take care of my sister that's all I don't want to figure out why you had to plan all of these. I don't want.

My sister couldn't even sit up in her bed. It was so much worse than the previous time. Every movement produced an excruciating pain to her puncture wounds, and the tubes weren't making it better. I wasn't even confident of helping her to the bathroom initially. The best I could do was to hold her chemical drip and blood bottle whenever she needed to move around. Looking at the rising blood level in the bottle told me of the pain. pain, it's always pain. Sharon told me she was a precious daughter at home, and this is so true. Parents don't openly show their sadness for their children, but the magnitude of their emotions are far more than what we can think of.

When I retired that night, my pillow took its turn to comfort me. She must feel so upset over what happened, she must feel even more devastated about the outcome of the surgery, she must feel so hopeless about the future, and she's alone in that room, probably crying to herself and struggling to wipe her tears with the thick, hard tubes in her way.

The next day, her best friend and I coincidentally bought tulips for her, hoping it would brighten up her bed. Roy was so sweet, he came to visit too and bought cordeceps essence for her. I had lunch with him, and he was so patient listening to me yak away. My sister was in so much pain she couldn't even eat her meals without help to cut the meat or tilt the glass such that the straw remains in the water. When I got up to help her to go to the bathroom, I lifted her blanket and saw a large amount of blood stained on her dress. We were shocked. The tube to suck the excess blood had fallen out of place. Poor girl. She didn't need all this shit.

Mummy came after work and she held my sister's hand. My sister was too weak with strong painkillers running around in her bloodstream to do anything, and my mum was staring into space. I wonder what she was thinking about.

When she was discharged, I went to her house to help her bathe, help her with chores around her house, play video games with her, whatever I could do to ease her physical pain. She keeps complaining she feels useless not being able to do her daily stuff. It's only temporary, you're going to recover, but only if you stop moving around so much and avoid standing on your feet for too long. Every night I go to sleep worrying about whether she can cope with the pain of rolling to her side to get out of the bed to go to the toilet, I worry she is in too much pain and forgets to eat her medicine, I worry she's not getting enough nutrition to replenish her blood, I worry if she's doing stupid stuff like washing the clothes and putting them out to dry, I worry that she might faint in the toilet and no one would realise. She's much better now, after drinking so much herbal soup boiled by my bro-in-law, and I hope her road to recovery is not a jerky one, especially since this was a much more painful ordeal.

Ee Chow was with me and my sister all this time other than work. He told me that we would get through this together because we are one big happy family. This incident also made me realize how precious Ee Chow was to me. How many guys would spend all their free time with their gf and her sister because their gf needed to be there for her family. What kind of man would initiate buying supper at midnight for their gf's sister, what kind of man would think of places to go and activities to do to cheer their gf's sister up?

I've become so much closer to my sister than ever before, my relationship with my parents are more or less the same, though I suspect my mother actually identifies the problems I will run into even before I say anything which I usually don't, not to her anyway. In the past, I always put my friends and boyfriend priority before my family, and my sister has been lashing at me because she think it's unfilial and selfish. I'm the exact opposite right now.

Not through her coercion or whatsoever, but through growing up and seeing how precious life is. Truth is, I am also shocked at how much I've grown. I was such a brat last time. I made stupid decisions and this pain will be with me forever as long as I live.

Right now I just want my sister to be well, after this incident and the last, I want to protect her and be there for her.

Being the younger one, you always had to give in to me and tolerate my wally nonsense.

I'm growing up, and I am thankful to have you to guide me in life.

Adele, I love you so much, Paps and Mum love you even more, you have us, you don't need anything more precious. Now it's my turn to do something for you and be a good sister.

2008-06-13T00:25:00.009+08:00

So I look kinda different now, but most people can't tell the difference, not even my sister. Daddy likes my new look now. Which kinda hints it could be boring.

Got your answer already?

I coloured my hair black.

Not jet black, just black. My previous brown hair probably lent itself to a more natural black outcome as well.

After summer 3A ended, I had a little bit of good time. Before the sore throat and the bad stomach came in.

So there's this huge bling on Jie's finger.

Adele : Aye, you guess how many carat?

Me : Eh, I dunno la! 3? 4? I dunno this kind of jewellery valuation thingy la!

Boo : Erm... (observes carefully) 2? 2.5? I dunno also...hmm...very suspicious lei! Maybe
it's fake one lei!

* Adele scowls*

Me : (ignores previous comment) Okay whatever so when am I going to get my diamond ring
from you? How many ca-la one?

Adele : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Say my diamond is fake one!

Boo : Hey Adele I ask you something arr....

Me : SO RUDE NEVER ANSWER MY QUESTION.

My sister is everything to me.

2008-06-12T23:32:00.009+08:00

I have a two week break in between my summer classes during this holidays. Thought I would make it an extremely fruitful one so I planned meet-ups almost every other day for the whole of the two weeks.

A sore throat infection coupled with swollen tonsils decided to get back at me after a few months. Barely a day later I ended up with food poisoning. And I was still optimistic to think it was just an indigestion. So I made two trips to the family doctor within 3 days, drank losta water, swallowed losta medicine. Then my left wisdom tooth wanted to join in the fun, so I had a swollen gum for the next 5 days, couldn't chew properly, didn't eat my meals well. I was telling Shar, all the bad things just come together lor.

Last Tues I met my supermarket power girls!! Ru and Shar, of course. The fateful day I was clutching my stomach plodding around in Orchard and trying to enjoy precious time with the girls.

So here we are at The Big O at Wheelock Place (look at their mouths).

Ru didn't know about the colour accent function in her cam, Shar gave her some lessons, and there she was on her own fiddling with it for quite some time.

I think Shar is one of the few girls I've seen so far to be able to carry both a short cropped hair and long hair as well.

I didn't take enough pictures to make a collage. I was on the verge of fainting and attempting to keep myself conscious by talking to them. Ru did these:

Shar named the cake on the left "the durian ne-ne". I suggested "orh (black) ne-ne" but she didn't like it.

So I missed my chance to take some nice colour accent pictures with Ru's new camera that day. Give me another chance Ru! My red camera doesn't have that function and I kept complaining to my boyfriend. But guys just don't understand what's the big deal about the colour accent thing.

Had to cancel lunch with Georgia and do away with dinner with Pris and Per the following day. I was feeling so sad and miserable, with my stupid stomach reeking of medicated axe brand oil (don't think it really helped), a horrid sore sore sore throat, and I couldn't meet my girlfriends.

Bah. God save me.

2008-05-30T00:08:00.003+08:00

I regret. I regret stopping to ask about your life at the traffic junction.

Burden. This word is sticky to me since the day I was born.

2008-05-29T00:43:00.007+08:00

Georgia's 21st birthday at Essential Brews. This girl is one of the best things that happened to my life, I always tell her. The first time I ever knew this girl existed was at bondue camp 06. She became a famous freshie overnight by dancing like a total hottie at a club during one of the camp's activities. I heard many things about her. And then she re-appeared, this time more proximate in my life. In my Leadership & Teambuilding and Business Communication classes. Snatched the limelight spot immediately on the first lessons, of both classes, of course. Speaking so confidently than anyone else I knew of, she got almost everyone talking about her and her style of talking. I was thinking, "This girl is definitely going to pin an A+ down with Tom Estad. Boo for everyone."

Georgia was the one who brought lemon meringue muffins over to my little cottage house to welcome me in the neighbourhood. BAH of course I don't live in Pennsylvania or something. What I mean is that she took the first step to come into my life. She came up to me and told me something like this, "Athena, I want to say that your speech was damn good, and I really, really, seriously, admire the way you speak in class, because it's something that I cannot accomplish. You know the way I present, it's like maybe the audience feel like I'm stepping in their space, over their boundary, because sometimes people just want to be comfortable in their seats and listen, but somehow I can't make them feel like that, and you are one person I know that has been good at it." Quite a mouthful, isn't it? She does say a whole lot of things to you.

I was pretty taken back, because my impression was that Georgia was the first girl I knew in university, to be the most charismatic and confident female whenever she does her in-class presentations. Overhearing her conversations with classmates further reinforced this impression that this girl was definitely not one to hide her feelings and she could express her thoughts very well, so much that I couldn't find anyone else I knew to compare with. And there she was,with brightly lit eyes and a sincere face, telling me she admired me. I wasn't sure what to do except say thank you.

Then I organized a cycling out with my COMM101 group mates, and I asked Curren (who is a good friend of Georgia) to ask Georgia along as well. I rented rollerblades and I was blading so slowly that those people cycling were miles ahead of me, and poor Curren had to hold my hand and blade at my snail-sluggish-turtle speed as well.
Georgia came much later, rented a bicycle, and seeing how exhausted I was from the stupid blading she agreed to switch activities with me. Means she wore my blades and I took her bicycle. Her feet was too small for my blades, she didn't mind wearing my socks, she didn't mind she was tired having reached Singapore from Bali a few hours ago, she didn't complain about the inconvenience of wearing a dress, she reassured me and told me to take her bag and cycle off.

When we were done with cycling, everyone else wanted to go home or had to go somewhere. Only Georgia said she wanted to chill and I was free for the afternoon so we both headed to a coffeeplace at Parkway Parade. She paid for the meal without one ounce of hesitation. Didn't even look at me to pay my share and continued talking away. That was the first time I got to know Georgia in person, her past, her present, her life, her ideals, her dreams and she became my friend, and a very special girl in my heart.

Georgia told me there are three categories of people in SMU: 1) People who know her and love her, 2) People who know her and hate her, 3) People who don't know who she is. And some people are judgmental, they know who is she, but don't know her personally, and they say she's a bitch blah 3x because they heard yada 3x. Georgia asked me what was my first impression of her, and I told it to her, right down to the core of the apple. I said that I didn't really like it when she ended her sentences too often with "and what not" and I actually thought she was kinda bimbotic. When someone is honest with me, no matter where their intentions come from, I still appreciate that honesty and I do reciprocate it.

I don't know exactly what people think of Georgia, but I'm more than ready to defend this friend of mine and the relationship I share with her. She is brutally frank and honest (can be good, can be bad, depending on how you look through the lens), she is big-hearted and generous, she loves her family very much especially her daddy, she understands what kind of person you are by mere observation, she gives the person she's listening to 100% undivided attention, she is readily supportive when you need it. The only thing I can complain about that she can be totally irrational when it comes to love. But she knows what she wants out of life. She's that kind of friend who can tell my boyfriend that she doesn't like him, and she knows I'll be laughing away if she pretends to be close to my boyfriend.

May this birthday brings endless blessings to you and your life (even though it's already fabulous with me around); while you have grown to be a lady, remember that it is your own qualities and honesty that earn you the respect from your loved ones and bring forth all the love in the world. You may continue to send me sms-es at 4am in the morning provided you spend more time with me.

2008-05-28T23:50:00.013+08:00

So it was family BBQ last Saturday to quietly celebrate Uncle Thomas' birthday at Jie's place! A long stretch of photos here, for the lagged audience who do not have a Facebook account (like get a life) but it's not a big deal anyway new sites will keep coming up like Friendster is miserably abandoned.

Barbie and Ken!

Hello baby Ernest! *baby waves;i'm in a good mood after waddling in the big pool*

This notti boy has a peculiar habit of sticking his thumb in his ears.

My best cousin, Natalie.

Time for pom-pom!

He's sure having fun with all the ladies' attention.

Baby doesn't look too happy. He's like trying to say, "I don't live in Israel, ok?"

He has had his bath. I like to carry babies.

But baby doesn't seem to be comfortable with the way I carry him. And there is he sticking his thumb in his ear. GOSH.*SHAK

*there's a magician at the party down there! i want one of those colourful balloons!*

Everyone is simply adoring this boy.

Back in Jie's house. Randomly, with a big plush Strawberry Shortcake from the 90's.

Birthday boy! Sweet Natalie smuggled in a surprise cake for him!

The whole family (not all present though).

A funny one.

2008-05-26T02:25:00.003+08:00

I'm not happy anymore. For 21 year olds living in Singapore, we shouldn't be thinking so much about things. We should be content to have our family close to us, safe under a roof, making enough to pay the bills and bring the bacon home, that's all. Simplistic, but we cannot ask more in a world plagued with environmental burdens.

We are only this young, our parents need us, and we shouldn't need to choose this way and break our backs. I am reconsidering, I'm not counting on whatever promises made.

2008-05-23T00:42:00.004+08:00

I was crying my eyes out two days ago. No one's fault, but things happened at the wrong time and the wrong place. I've been using this as an excuse for ages. Mama says I should have learned long ago and stopped crying because I need to be strong. So just because I've had several guys in my life previously means my heart is automatically immune to heartache from the current guy? That's freaking crap, seriously. But the part about being strong is true. Tiffany and Perryn told me that our tears are precious, and that God keeps many, many jugs of tears in Heaven. Perryn agreed I would have a lot more jugs than her. Bah.

I'm addicted to Jon & Kate +8 on Starhub Channel 70, Discovery Home and Health. If you love kids, this is die-to-watch-for-reality-show. It's about a married couple who has 8 kids in total. The oldest 2 were twins, and the rest of the 6 children are sextuplets (meaning 6 babies were born at one time). It is amazing how they manage the kids. But they're all very cute. My sister influenced me to watch it, and I keep yelling for my mum to come out of her room to watch it, and now my dad wakes up at 5am to watch the programme too. My favourite boy is Aaden, the boy with the spectacles. Simple reason: he cries the least. HAHAHAHAHA.

Wah Daddy is awesome!! He gave me money to do my hair!! As some of you might know, I'm darn sick of colouring my hair and I hate it when I've to spend money to recolour my hair when the black root are showing. So I'm going to do jet black. Yes, jet black like this. Not even dark brown. Ru's gotta get used to my hair being the colour as hers now. I am not going to cut my hair, as everyone knows, but I'm dying to trim it because I want my hair to grow out faster. Faster, faster, faster, pleeeeeeeaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeee!

2008-05-23T00:03:00.005+08:00

Met up with the paowaowao girl last week! She rented a car and picked me up, and we were just crazy ladies talking non-stop from the second I entered the car and got out of the car with my hands full of shopping, filled with updates, gossip and road directions. LOLX.

Chilled at this eclectic style cafe at Vivocity overlooking the sea. I felt grandma-ish, sitting on a red leather sofa and sipping at my caramel latte.

Always fooling in front of the camera.

I'm not really used to seeing myself without fringe. And it makes me look different. Like much more older. I don't like it. But having fringe is darn troublesome; pokes into my eyes, too short to clip it up and stuff.

And we headed to Topshop. And bought nothing for ourselves. But our fortunate boyfriends. Wth. I'm not myself thanks to love. Then we went to Zara. And bought nothing for ourselves. But our lucky darlings again. BAH.

Ikea Tampines was the last stop. Had to buy stuff for boo's car.

Time flies so fast. I told Lyn, when we were in high school, we wrote on rough paper, passed messages to each other so often our classmates got damn annoyed, we hung at Eastpoint, White Sands, Tampines Mall, we tucked out our stupid white blouses right after school, wore Japanese socks with US Master schoolshoes, carried tiny Outdoor backpacks, bought the fugly JNCO baggy jeans and mini tees, had multi coloured pens in our Converse pencil cases, wore ear sticks, coloured our hair, took neoprints frequently, changed to ankle socks when the new fashion hit etcera etcera. We grew up, didn't wear school uniforms in the polytechnic, she had short funky permed hair, I had bright pink hair. Now, she's already gotten her driving license (i'm still not very motivated to get one), is independent and earns good money from playing piano, graduating from university soon and already thinking about her future.

And this is how we looked like last December. (My fringe has grown, but not the rest of my hair). Yeah, a whole lot of folks are gonna roll their eyes seeing what I typed. MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

I love you Lyn! You're a big girl now, and you've got to believe in yourself. I'll always be there for you.

2008-05-22T23:34:00.005+08:00

Summers have been murdering me. I dread going to class. I don't participate in class at all, yet I've got to keep my ears wide open to listen what other people are saying just in case my Professor decides I'm in the "hot seat". I've only been in the hot seat once after 9 lessons. At the end of each class, I'm just very exhausted from listening to the presentations and paying attention to the numerous class discussions. I never knew just sitting in class could be so draining. It has got to be the Professor and the subject itself. SOCIAL MEDIA. Haha.

I can only say, Ru and I know so much about IP protection in the digital world, video sharing sites across Asia, Internet filtering, social networking sites, business models, open social, net neutrality, wikinomics, writing for a blog effectively, managing online reputation as an individual and as a corporation and of course, the lovely Web 2.0 and Enterprise 2.0.

Singapore has yet to truly embrace the new form of digital media, also known as social media, so I can understand why we're learning about all these if we're intending to be relocate in Western countries for our future careers.

So people think with the car, it's much more convenient to travel around without standing the irksome crowds in public transport. I agree. Somehow, I'm still not used to having the car drive me around. It's also different from sitting in a cab. And me being me, I started thinking about why I feel so awkward after the car came. I found the answer yesterday after pondering for three days. Yeah, that's just me. And most of the time, my mind is just filled up about my major project. I realized a few changes:

my boyfriend doesn't send me up to my door step anymore (because there's usually no parking lots left when we get home)
we don't really know where to go (it's like when you get a car you think you have to go somewhere but Singapore is really small and boring)
we think a lot about ERP, parking expenses, parking availability, petrol (every god damn thing is expensive in Singapore and our eyes are most fixed on the petrol meter)
we attempt to go home earlier than usual (to chop a parking lot because there are idiotic people who don't have a season parking coupon but wanna park their car overnight and grab precious lots)
we seldom hold hands anymore (he's driving)
I don't meet my boyfriend and accompany him home anymore when he knocks off
I keep thinking he needs an hour to reach home from town (am still trying to adjust to the fact that he only needs around 30 mins now)
I no longer meet him at the void deck or train controls but rather pick-up points like bus stops or taxi stand (in some cases I even have to mention the expressway and the exact location)
I've been seeing Mr. Lamb and D boy a lot more lately
I'm broke and fat from nightly suppers =(

I don't think all of these changes are life-devastating except item #10. It's just that I feel awkward. And we can argue over him sending me home, because I do not want to wait 3 hours to get a ride and I don't mind squeezing with the crowd in the train.

My uncle is organising a BBQ this Saturday at my sis' place, then I've got to rush to Georgia's birthday celebration at Holland Village, and then meet Pris and Per for late supper. I am so looking forward to Saturday.

Here's adorable Baby Ben. He has an awesome amount of hair for a 4-month-old.

Baby's intensely watching Asian Food Channel.

And I'm gonna take pictures of Baby Ernest this Saturday! Babies are so cute, I wan! =p

2008-05-11T18:30:00.005+08:00

Boo got his car on 7th May. Congratulations to boo boo! And he kept it from me for a week, so that he could surprise me immediately after collecting the vehicle from Borneo Motors. I'm happy for Boo because I knew owning a car was always his dream, and he has worked very hard to achieve this goal. So many times we argued over not being able to pay for the car, and I wasn't in the least bit supportive. Whatever reasons I had against the car, he is going to prove me wrong, and I hope he really does.

Initially he was set on getting a parallel import, the new Honda Fit. But he is aware I don't quite like hedge-backs (I'm not into sports cars), so he got the new Vios Sports edition in Dark Grey. Yes with a proper booth.

Gonna get quite some stuff for the car. Pillows, fleece throwover, shades, air freshener, card holder, ERP cover, wax, car detergent etc. for the car. Man. And boyfriend wants to put some cute stuff on the front dashboard. I'm thinking of something but I can't tell it on my blog. It is NOT going to be stuffed toys for sure.

I really dread going to COMM215 class.

2008-05-06T12:06:00.005+08:00

Happy 9 months, baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Friends can be weird at times. When I say weird, I mean everything from nice to nasty that isn't the innate profile of that person. What happened to D boy? It's always the girls that piss me off and the guys can't do anything about it. First, it was the fat girl at Boat Quay. Now it's some skinny girl who's trying to bite off your head. Whatever happened to the times you came to visit and have a good meal with us? I am so gonna grill you tonight on your birthday, and if you don't give me a good explaination, I won't ask you out for movies anymore. WAHAHAHAHAHA.

Random thoughts. I live with this principle: If you ever did anything to hurt me and you know or you speculated you did, say something, ask, apologise, explain, whatever, just say something. Don't pretend it's nothing or assume that I'm big hearted to overlook your actions. I won't explain myself anymore; I'll just move on.

I decided I don't like Honda Civic anymore. At Stamford Street, bastard car attempted to do a right turn even when the green man was lighted up without any flickering. And didn't even slow down when he saw that I was approaching and still walking hastily. No wonder this bastard tinted all his windows so no one could see him clearly. I have a good feeling the bastard was a guy because girls seldom drive like that and guys are much more impatient. ULTIMATE BEACH BARRIER FUCKER.

I finally bought the Espirit leather bag for boyfriend! He claims he needs it to put his PSP whilst at work. Kuku banana. And it was only $39.90, half its original price when I last saw it! And boo was so nice to share Mummy's Mother's Day present with me! Mummy must be pleased, haha.

I need to get back to work. Got a project meeting 2 hours later. And class another 1 hour after that. The much dreaded class participation. The great thing is that the Professor has decided to cold-call names and won't let anyone else help that person to answer his killer questions because (according to him), he wants to establish a rapport with the student and guide him through the thinking process. SCARY. And I better meddle with my RSS feeds before he asks the class anything about navigation. Ru just got it from him yesterday. But this baby is so smart and the Prof was satisfied!

2008-04-30T01:37:00.004+08:00

I thought my first summer subject would be enjoyable, with all my time and focus spanned on one single module, especially since it was a Corporate Communication major, something I always had a passion for. I don't feel this way after the 2nd lesson today. Class participation constitutes a substantial 30%, with outrageously challenging standards (in the opinion of an average performer aka me). For those not in SMU, do read the participation expectations and you will realise why university students do not suffer any less stress than brokers working at NASDAQ.

To earn participation points:
1) please listen before speaking,
2) recognize when the conversation has moved past your comment and exercise self restraint (don’t backtrack), and
3) make certain you are contributing intellectually (not just repeating or saying anything that comes to mind).

In addition to merely speaking up, you could:
1) play devil’s advocate,
2) become a resource provider (somebody who brings to the class that one-in-a million comment/article which adds to our conversation),
3) be a synthesizer (after hearing the last five comments, I think what we are really saying is….),
4) serve as a model builder (here is how all the pieces fit together and here are the critical philosophical issues), and
5) add through lateral contributions (here is the relationship to other class or other cases/topics we discussed).

Since this is a social media class, your ability to effectively engage the blogosphere can also impact your participation grade. For example, if you ask a meaningful question on a blog that results in a real conversation thread, then please print and save that exchange and submit the record to your professor.

How are you guys taking all of these? I'm totally freaked out, honestly. Those could be orthodox expectations of SMU students in the professor's opinion (give credit to those who upsets the general market), but to me this requires characteristics of reading every available printed media on paper and online EVERYDAY, listening very carefully and virtually registering what all your classmates have said 1 minute ago and possessing a good grasp of the language to summarize all the information. I am not able to do that because I ain't God.

After the first lesson, we were assigned a reading of 50 page pdf file on new social media, as well as a list of other websites and podcasts. After the second lesson, we were given 3 thick stacks of case studies and 4 other pdf files for our daily bread, to be digested before the third lesson on Monday (there are three lessons each week, on Mon, Tues and Thurs, for consecutive 7 weeks). I can forget about borrowing my Virginia Andrews tradegy novels this summer. Just read and rant about RSS feeds, blogospheres, social networking business models, IP protection across the globe, blah blahk, every single living hour till June the 1st. And 16 days later, I would commencing on learning how to appreciate how to tailor communication strategies for different cultures. HOW FUN, MY FRIENDS.

I don't think I can schedule any meet-ups at all. With a mountain load of readings, endless research, managing my aggregators, and frequent project meetings to complete the insanely intensive regional projects.

Conclusion. I have to learn to be internet-savvy, and start engaging in REAL web conversations. (i need to go back to my multiple open tabs on Cyworl's international growth)

2008-04-27T01:01:00.010+08:00

Perryn Khoo's 22nd birthday. I'm elated to be able to celebrate another year of her birthday.

She's such a pretty doll, especially with curled hair and those doed-eyes.

They have this thing with cherries. Every time. With ice-cream or cocktails or whatever.

It's her day, and her time. And I bless each second spent with all of them.

It's been so long since we had a group shot. Still missing quite a few.

The siren hot babe on the phone with her boyfriend.

The birthday girl (also) on the line with i-can't-tell-you-who-though-i-know-who.

My boyfriend slinging my bag over his shoulders. HAHAHAHA

OMG. Cynthia has become so skinny while I've become a fat lump of lard.

Tell me if I look better with straight hair or slightly curled hair.

2008-04-27T00:34:00.007+08:00

Took a 40 minutes bus ride to Hougang to visit Baby Ernest. My aunt babysits this clever little baby. He's really intelligent and may I comment, extremely spoilt. Cries and attempts to bring down the entire HDB block whenever my aunt is not within his sight.

In order to carry him peacefully, you need to follow my aunt. In other words, the baby needs to be able to turn his head at any angle and be able to see his babysitter or your ears will be flashing warning mode.

Don't be fooled by his cute face. When my aunt scolds him for being naughty, he actually looks away, in all directions, except my aunt's face! While looking in other directions and he catches sight of people, he will smile and laugh at them, pretending to act innocent! It really wonders me how kids are getting so smart, especially when you have a baby to prove there is really something amazing in formula milk these years.

My he is very heavy for a 7 month old kid. Aunt says he weighed 4 kg at birth. Boyfriend carried him for 10 minutes and starting perspiring profusely. I love babies!

2008-04-19T22:44:00.005+08:00

I am so tired.

Yesterday right after my TWC exam at 5.15pm I walked with my sickeningly heavy bag to Bugis Village. Bought a boyfriend shirt for $10! I'm just happy to be able to wear big shirts like that, comfy tights, proper shoes, and still be comfortable all year round.

Was super turned off that I had to kill time until I could meet my sis, bro-in-law and boyfriend at 8pm. 3 freaking hours. I intended to sit down at Starbucks and read my storybook until I dozed off with my big bag on my lap looking unglam. Just BORING.

Luckily I bumped into Shar, her sister and her bro-in-law at Parco Bugis. They accompanied me till my sister picked me up so I didn't feel so BORED. I just realised Shar and I share a significant number of similarities: We are the youngest of the family, have one elder sister and sister is married happily. Others: 21 years of age, born in the month of November, live 2 bus stops away from each other, attended the same polytechnic, studying in the same university now, taking the same major of Communications.

Slept overnight at sister's place, and played Wii Mario Karts (again) till 4am and ordered McDonald's breakfast before going to bed. FAT ATHENA.

Today mama made me pack my shoes because she didn't like that the shoe stand was higher than our heads. Her friend told her it's bad luck for the house. WTF. This is the second time I labelled my shoes. The first time wasn't successful because I didn't diligently take off my shoes when I came home and put them in their respective boxes. So dad and mum did it for me and of course all the shoes got mixed up and mum's shoes also landed up in my boxes. You would understand why in a while.

My shoes. My loves.

I gave them interesting names because I was so bored. Dad said to label both sides of the boxes so I could identify my shoes more clearly. Good idea.

I found out not only I have a lot of shoes, I have some slippers as well. My Birks are way too dirty but still amazingly comfortable. I hardly wear my bedroom slippers.

I really have a lot of shoes. Enough to merge with my sister and open a small shoe shop.

Truth is, I hardly wear heels anymore unless it's a special occasion or it goes with my dresses. Flats let me run to school with my laptop and heavy bag of textbook, adapter, water bottle, module files. Heels make me feel ridiculously tall and abnormal sometimes.

2008-04-19T22:28:00.004+08:00

Made this for boo last december holidays. The only things not made by me were the towel, the pom poms, ribbon, felt cloths and coloured threads.

I sewed around the contour of the letters, the boy's shirt, jeans and shoes. The rest was achieved by normal glue and super glue.

Strawberrries can be made by cutting the "fur" off the pom pom to shape it, using a cloth peg (or spring paper clips) to "kiap" the bottom of the pom pom to produce a slightly pointed bottom, cutting out small green felt for the leaves to put on top of the strawberry and finally using black marker to make small dots on the pom pom to make the 'strawberry' more real.

The most challenging part of the patch. He has groovy hair, a left earrings and a watch!!

My boyfriend is so lucky to have me who can only sew this kind of crap but can't sew buttons or cook something edible.

2008-04-18T05:29:00.004+08:00

Time check. 5.40am. Except that I slept at 11pm and woke up at 5am. Finally! I went without sleep for more than 30 hours yesterday. Was good as murder when I had two exams with a 1.5 hours break in between. Still had enough energy to walk home from the mrt station with boo, go home for dinner, hit my TWC notes, go to boo's house to play Mario Karts on Wii online and eat at Mac's before running for my bed. So I have a high threshold for pain, high tolerance for fatigue, what else can my wonderful body do? Develop deep eye bags and lines sooner than the average adult. Once again I am blogging when I'm supposed to hit the last seminar notes of TWC. Most of my peeps had their last paper yesterday.

Last dash later at 2.30pm. 75 MCQs. 5 essay questions. 2 hours. Rat race again. Speaking about this, the latest review of my MS test is right up.

Section : True/False questions
Quantity : 6
Rating : 4 / 6
Comments : Passable

Section : MCQ
Quantity : 12
Rating : -100 / 12
Comments : Affirmative failure

Section : Quantitative
Quantity : 1a, 1b, 1c, 2a, 2b, 2c, 2d
Rating : 2 / 10 (with lenient marking)
Comments : Only 3.5 parts answered with messy decision trees.

I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally $&*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his $&*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally $&*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his $&*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally amp;*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally $&*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his $&*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his amp;*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his I decided I'm gonna save up for a new agnes b wallet for boyfriend. His wallet is totally $&*#$%^&@$^. Told him not to stuff so many cards and clear unnecessary stuff out occasionally. GUYS. 8 months of being together, 8 months is the life span of Ee Chow's condemned possessions. If the interior of my Kate Spade wallet got ripped like his, he will jump at me. And I'm not saying even anything about his $&*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.
amp;*#$%^&@$^. GUYS. Just don't take care of things too well, even if they're expensive.

I'm taking two summer mods. Totally boring cos I can't earn moola during the holidays and I have to return to the much dreaded Stamford Road 3 times a week for 3 months. Stupid camera battery is mad. Charged for 4 hours straight. Impossible for a normal battery right! And previously the desktop charger refused to show any bloody light at all. I need to visit my TWC notes right now.

2008-04-17T04:41:00.005+08:00

It is almost 5am; I've got my Management Science exam at 1.30pm and Communications Research paper at 5.00pm. I've got to wake up at 8.30am to revise MS because I've got some untouched sections. I am really nervous so I can't sleep and decided to brace the glare of the monitor screen to blog.

Boyfriend drove from office to my place just to deliver prata for hungry me to eat and drove back to again. He passed me the food through the window (my bedroom is beside the corridor) and stretched out to squeeze my hand. Don't know what my life would be without such a sweetie who has a high threshold for my signature abhorrent boiling temper.

Each time I'm revising for my exams, I would think of a few things to do after the exams are over. Here's my list:

1. Pack boyfriend's stuff (he doesn't have a room so his stuff is all dispersed in chests of drawers) and throw out junk (guys don't clean up after themselves often i guess)

2. Gym and swim at least twice a week

3. Go to Bangkok and wait for my wardrobe to explode with mummy angry

4. Complete 80 hours of community service (graduating requirement by my school so lame)

5. Bring Kassandra and 6-year-old Nicole out for dinner so I can tell Nicole all about Disney Princesses and Strawberry Shortcake

6. Visit Avril and 4 month old baby Benjamin! Photos are in chronological order and totally irresistible to cuddle! My favourite is the one below - fatty thighs and big-eyed expression.

Anyway I showed these pictures to my sister with one purpose in mind - to motivate her to make babies!! WAHAHAHAHAHA. I can't wait to see how mummy and daddy will react when they carry their first grandchild! I bet mummy will take care of baby very well because mummy used to do baby-sitting. Mummy will love baby very much and Daddy will carry baby a lot!! And I can help Jie design the baby room, put all those cutesy stuff like small pillows, stuffed toys and buy cutesy jumpers and clothes! I don't mind pushing the pram too! You wanna say give birth to one yourself huh? I'm no way at all ready to be a mother (what kind of a mother sleeps at 5am, is lazy at cleaning her hamster's cage, doesn't eat regular meals, accidentally knocks herself ending up with bruises on a weekly basis, goes crazy over video games lalalalala). Not without a steady career, vitamin M and engagement+proposal rings.

I'm going to try to get some sleep though I kinda think it's pretty difficult. Boo is gonna get me McGriddles for breakfast when he knocks off! That's why I need to hit the gym fast and intense.

2008-04-15T15:50:00.009+08:00

I got a badly half-chipped nail on my middle finger so I put a plaster on it to prevent the swollen finger from being in contact with anything (careless me can stupidly slam my hand against the wall randomly or touch the tips of my pens with my fingertips -_- ). MPW paper was over this morning at 11.02am. Don't know if I'm gonna do well because the prof is the one deciding if she agrees with the examples I've written in my answers. I'm more worried about MS, as all of you know, especially my parents because they know my maths understanding has never made it to mediocre.

Despite having an exam this morning, I still went out last night and reached home at 12.40am. Went out with jie and boo for lunch, followed jie to sin ming ave (so bloody far!) to repair her car, returned home to bathed and headed to Mrs. Tong's condo for a business interest group gathering, cabbed to jie's place to study ( i brought my revision material -_- student life sucks ), played Wii's Mario Karts on her 50 inch plasma TV, followed boo and her to East Coast 5 Stars to satisfy her craving for chicken rice and finally jie drove me home. Anyway it's so stupid someone went on a vandalizing streak and destroyed my jie's car as well as the cars of many other residents! This is the second time her car has been vandalised where the side light was forcefully pried out. The light bulb was still intact though. The first time her rear mirror was twisted in the opposite direction. Like WTF. My sister heard from other residents that there was once a resident's kid who went around with a spray can vandalizing people's cars. WTF. Savannah Condo Park residents are too fucking free.

Yeah my sister went to Bangkok and Shanghai and got me MANY GOODIES!! I got bored at home and decided to fool around with my camera so I can show you all the additions to my wardrobe!

Brown chiffon polka-dots tunic - perfect to wear my favourite black lace tights and E:xodus brown polka-dots peep toes!

Check out the lace detail at the bust area and sleeves - oh so sweet and pretty for grandma closet style!

I must admit I'm not cutesy enough for this blouse. The ruffles are adorable tho!

As much as I'm not a big fan of pink, this neon pink number is totally outstanding (esp. for clubbing)! With my power rubberized belt of course!

She bought 10 necklaces as well. She asked me how many would I have after she had given these to me, I told her probably more than 40 pieces. Actually, I'm more into rusted, vintage charm double necklaces now.

Another tunic with shell design and cool colours.

My long desired boyfriend shirt! Actually Jie bought it for herself but she let me have it. Jie is the best! The red rose belt is really nice too!

Jie misunderstands that I like pink. -_- But this changed my orientation towards pink a little! Boo's gonna love this sweet thing (and love me more haha)!

Another vintage floral chiffon tunic.

FINALLY. The most favourite item of all.....JA JANG!!

Satin gold peep toes!! A little Ferragammo style I would say. Just nice to replace my worn out satin gold ballet flats! At least Jie knows I like gold!

These Chloe pink satin flats (not genuine, of course if not I wouldn't have so much stuff on my wishlist) exude such a dreamy, girlie and child-like feel. It's painful, but I'm gonna brave it or I won't do them justice!

She bought me a small white purse to go with my violet blue floral bucket bag. Jie has a similar bucket bag with red roses and she also bought a pink purse. We can be twins after having so much similar stuff so I am going to tell her what to wear before we meet haha by then my boyfriend will feel outcast lalalalala!

I'm feeling kinda down as well because Dad's van is no longer with him. He didn't tell me. I guessed it from his red bills. He moved all his boxes tools and equipment into the living room and didn't even mention a word about sending me to school the next morning. And Mum refused to give me my pocket money. Hrumph. Not the first time anyway, so thank God it's exam week and I can scoot home right away after my papers.

Need to go mug for MS now (effin sian). I wanna organise a BBQ soon. Sick of always eating in restaurants, chatting over ice water and talking loudly in the presence of onlooking customers and waitors. Xiu Li, I hope your back recovers soon, you can always count on me.

Ping, Shar, Hui, let's go hang out after the exams! Tiffy, I miss you like crazy. When are we going Korea to teach English?

2008-04-12T02:29:00.004+08:00

Fuck (be ready for more effing ahead). We failed our communications research report. Ru messaged me at 2.30am telling me our professor has already graded our report and emailed us our grade, which is 4.5 out of 10. My heart just dropped from my chest to my ankles, and I immediately checked our email while fumbling with the phone to call Shar up. I knew she was sleeping and this call could possibly irritate Zhen Jie as well, but I had to call and let her know the bad news. Yes, the impact was that enormous for this kind of immediacy in the middle of the night during a study break.

FUCKING HELL. First time ever in my life I failed a report. First fucking time, out of 46 projects I have done in my entire life, I FAILED a report. I don't look to well to the presentation grade because his comments were far from positive as well. I can already see my first 'C-' in school. The exam is only 20%, presentation and report constitute 50%, so save the typical comforting to work harder for the finals. Hence the more I don't quite understand why he had to send us our grade a week before the paper: to signpost us to work harder or let us know the bad news asap? WHATEVER, you just failed us without blinking an eye. I'm not that dumb to realise the additional 0.5 mark was out of sympathy.

I was on the line with Ru and Shar for 1 1/2 hours. Three of us are utterly traumatised, wondering what the hell did we do wrong or what did we not do to deserve such a lousy grade. During his consultations, the prof was very encouraging and said he looked forward to seeing our final presentation. The checkpoint with our client was unexpectedly affirmative. It's a nightmare, downright nightmare.

I was intending to hit TWC notes and another seminar of MS when I learnt about the report's tragedy. So what if I repeatedly ask "why" in my head, so what if we spent so much effort in taking down observations at the rurally situated supermarkets and risk being caught taking photographs, so what if the prof just favoured other groups who were researching on explicitly luxury products when luxury should not be defined by consumer segments as mentioned by the client, so fucking what?

It's been half an hour since I hung up on the phone with Shar. Was listening to Clazziquai before everything happened. Now I'm listening to this superbly sad soundtrack from My Name is Kim Sam Soon. (you can catch it on http://youtube.com/watch?v=GF5f2g753j0&feature=related) A The TWC notes was only 8 slides, yet I took so long to digest the information, I was erasing and rewriting my notes over and over again. My father asked me to type an invoice for him, and I clicked 'print' without feeding paper in the printer and the printer jammed. I thought I could finally sleep before 2.30am to slowly commence adjusting my biological clock, but I told Ru I guess I would only do so later at 12pm.

I was damn pissed trying to crack the safe code in the Shinra Manor mansion while playing Crisis Core, went online to check the walkthrough for the code and the writer said the code was randomly determined by the game; the player had to manually count the items in the four rooms. And so I did, from the books on top on the bookshelf, scattered on the carpet, dumbapples on the cabinets, can of dumbapple concentrate on the floor, counted repeatedly like mad, wrote all the possible number combinations down, and still I can't solve it. I'm so mad now, I think Zack could kill all the monsters within 15 seconds and use incredible materia (magic) to wipe them out. For fuck.

Anyway I went swimming at my sister's place with boo. Expected to have a lot of fun, but didn't. Exam stress hitting me hard I think. I'm dropping a lot more hair than usual, and I'm really upset. I don't have a lot of hair to start with, and my long locks are 50% of the problem. I really really like having long hair, so I'm going to see a doctor about it or buy some expensive minimize hair-loss shampoo. My sister's friend had an injection in her scalp to stimulate hair growth because one particular area was bald. She is only 28, she has short hair but thick hair, and this kind of shit happens. What about me then.

Watched Teeth (Vagina Dentata) with boo, lambie and cai tao. My first R21 movie. And like fuck. Waste my money, and waste my trip traveling to PS to watch it (movie is only playing at PS and Vivo). Seems like toothed vagina descended from folk lore and represents a symbol of aggression in women, or of weapons that they can use to rape and kill men. In many of the stories, apparently the women marry the men who detoothed their vaginas and made them safe. So cheem one, I don't know how to appreciate this kind of literary movie because the plot is really so stupid. There is one scene when the guy's penis got cut off, drop from below the girl's vagina, and his black Labrador runs to eat it up, and spits out the penis head still attached with a earring. Another guy drowned in the lake after his penis got cut off (presumably he was in too much pain to swim and stay above the water) and a few days later a tiny white crab was feasting on his detached manhood. Like WTF.

It's nearing 5am. Few minutes ago Papa told me not to be too upset. Maybe I'll take a look at sunshine near his cage and feel better. But I doubt so. Here's how the little baby looks like munching on a broccoli:

I'm going to hit MS. And look forward to meeting my boo after he knocks off. Although of late the PSP has taken over his place (temporarily), but games don't last forever, do they? And he just bought a $70.00 Smash Hit Brothers Wii game. Quits aite.

2008-04-09T04:58:00.004+08:00

It's 5am now. Supposed to have started on the 3rd session of my TWC notes. Went to hit the PSP playing Loco Rocco, switched on the desktop to blog, do online shopping, listen to my favourite Clazziquai tunes on YouTube, and now blogging again. I'll switch off the computer after this entry, I PROMISE YOU=MYSELF.

I made little somethings for my boo and his friends, to motivate them for their sickening work of late.

Since 3 of them are one click, I selected a cow, pig and lamb within the same pictures. 3 in one. Common theme. Farm animals under the starry night sky.

Pretty, ain't them?

The power of the cow, pig and lamb will help all of you in protecting sunny island Singapore.

Hui's 21st Birthday

2008-04-09T03:45:00.009+08:00

Hui's 21st Birthday last Saturday! Dress theme was "slogan tees". When I knew about this I was scratching my head as to where I could dig out a single decent t-shirt in my wardrobe. I wear t-shirts at home, but I hardly ever wear t-shirts out. I was doing a mental browsing of my closet, Emily Strange (by Shar for my 18th birthday), EDC tee (by Best for my 21st bdae) and...woo hoo! I got another last t-shirt, given by my sister, and it's a slogan tee. I'm not too in sync with the words though. Check the pictures out.

Miss Chua in her "non slogan tee" dress. Hrumph.

Uber popular Guanaja Cake from Rive Gauche. Aaron had it for his bdae. Ping had it for her bdae. I had it for my bdae.

Chua family!

SMUggers.

Random shot. Seekie has goshy pearlie whites!

She really doesn't care if my hair is not long enough in my opinion.

Her beau. Says "cleaning up the shit'. Whose shit man?!

Ping. She didn't love me cos she adored me.

AHAH. My stupid slogan tee. MY SISTER IS SO IDIOTIC WHILE BUYING THIS SHIRT FOR ME! Can't it be princess or bimbo or something.

Lester wasn't really supposed to be part of the shot. He crashed in, and gave a $%&!@% face.

The closest memories in university that I can get of TP.

This is damn cute I tell you! Zhao Pai Open Mouth, I call it.

Alamak I scratching kneecap also wanna take picture!

Yeah, the 3 of us.

2008-04-08T00:49:00.002+08:00

The more I look at my archives, the more I feel like there's this grey shadow overcast spread across all of them. My photos and text doesn't publish in the way I intended for; everything is just messed up and the font is NEVER ever legible. The subsequent posts are probably going to end up the same. I have no farkin idea whether this is because of the blogskin template or my photos or blogger itself. Everyone else's blog is so much neater, cleaner and prettier than mine. Can someone please advise me on what to do?

I've got thousands of photos and collages and I would have uploaded it into this pathetic blog if not for the tremendous time lag. Most of the later photos are on my facebook which are much more easier to access.

Have been hitting the PSP Final Fantasy 7: Crisis Core. The 2nd time I'm playing this game. It's not so much about the fighting and crazily hitting the X button but the graphics are fantastic. The Japanese are just brilliant at adding realism to video games. I was addicted to Fatal Frame, Vampire Rain, Bioshock and Silent Hill, but this is way better than the bloodcurdling Resident Evil. Think of Umbrella Corporation with Japanese S.T.A.R troops and no T-virus infected vampires. The plot of Crisis Core has an edge too, with various soldier operatives working for an electric power company, Shinra, that is situated 50m above the ground and somehow internal scientists deliberately fiddled with the genetic make up of some of the solider operatives in a rat race to get promoted to laboratory head. The objective was to create more powerful soldiers, but the project got really screwed. While some soldiers became ugly destructive monsters, two 1st class soldiers, Angeal and Genesis, retained their human selves while becoming more powerful than the average 1st class soldier and could fly. The catch is that they have one wing each. Not one pair. The protagonist, Zack Fair, with shocking blue mako-infused eyes loyally serving Shinra realises his mission wasn't what he had envisioned and in his journey of loyalty and friendship he grows from Zack the Puppy to Zack the honourable 1st class soldier. It's amazing because I was able to see how all the characters, especially Zack, grow and change throughout the game. At the end their eyes were significantly different from the beginning of the game, giving that feeling of them having gone through a lot to save the world.

I miss my sister so much. Yesterday she was in Bangkok, now she's in Shanghai. She's gonna be busy with her new job when she flies back, and I gotta grit my teeth through 4 exam papers. I am so not motivated to get my GPA up. Yet, I don't know what I want. Hm, okay I think I can get my boyfriend to play The Devil May Cry so I can watch him. Still, games cannot completely kill whatever boredom or stress within cos you still gotta use your head to think how to defeat the enemy.

I wish May would come faster, then Chow can drive the family out for a simple dinner and we can start putting stuff like pillows to hug, some cute tiny stuffed and jazz CDs in the car. Lovely for me.

2008-04-05T01:05:00.006+08:00

Incredulous. Can't believe I am actually blogging right now. Look at the previous date of my post. Can't even bear to take a third, fourth look at it. So sorry to my folks who have periodically been checking my page for updates. I believe it went from a weekly affair to a mundane bi-annually thing and now a "she's abandoned it" fleeting thought. Really sorry. Got so much to say, to say why I didn't blog for more than 9 months.

Primarily, I blog because I want to let my peeps know how I'm doing, through my rantings and pixel lated collages, since I don't see them too often. Also, working in Starhub Customer Service last June to August really killed me, with fucking male-biased managers and customers (heartlanders, business executives, expatriates, everyone lah). After a long day of staring at the complicated databases, filling up disconnection forms, hitting 9508756329898065646064 times on the keyboard, listening to people bitch about technology, eyes swelling up with tears from a mad customer shouting in my face (saliva in my face too), I was just too tired to talk about anything unpleasant when I got home, not even mention to switch on my favourite desktop. Those who see me in school know I hardly use my Acer lappie unless I'm in school.

But what made me really stopped blogging was because of one friend. Ironic huh. But you could easily guess why. I lost someone so dear to me. We went out everyday during the school holidays, we shared every drink and meal, we spoke on the phone everyday, the normal girl stuff. She was there to help me when I didn't feel life was worth living, she patiently heard every word and cried silently, she became a more generous person because of me, and she was everything to me. So I thought. And one day, she just disappeared from my life. Didn't want to return my sms-es or calls, and did likewise towards the rest of our friends. She didn't even want to look at me in the face when I asked if she could join a birthday celebration. She treated me like invisible in school. This went on and on until I concluded she didn't want me in her life anymore. I pondered over this for several months. Did I need her? Wasn't our friendship anything to her such that she could completely walk out of my life without blinking an eye? Wasn't what we went through adequate in her eyes to even say hi to me in school? We didn't quarrel before our last meet up. It was just so sudden. No one, no one in the group had the slightest idea as to why she was behaving that way. So a good 6 months later, someone took the initiative to ask her. She got the answers, but didn't want to share with us. Said we should all go to her individually and ask her what was wrong. FUCK. She's not some god that we have to bend our knees and bow down to get some answer about whether the next harvest will be sufficient for the village tribes. So fuck it. I'm done crying about it, I'm done thinking of her.

On a brighter note, I've moved on with life. Moved on so much I can't believe how much change had entered my life. You know, I went through so much shit, so damned hell, just to forget what that fucking jerk did and he totally pushed his luck again. Ya, he being a jerk, got dumped by his girlfriend and she finally learned that he cheated on both of us. Still went to the extent of searching and add me on facebook and friendster. Like, fuck YOU and fuck off to lick the scavenger's toilet bowl in some abandoned big drain. Okay, angst down. I got a boyfriend!

I know you're going to say, what's new. But at least after all these experiences I know what I really want, and I'm not going to suffer a stroke if the new guy says he's gay after half a year. He knows wounds don't heal easily, because he's been through losta shit as well. More than me. The best thing? He lives across the street; takes a mere 3 minutes to reach his place. The next best thing? He is the first guy my conservative father approves of, first guy to drive my dad's vehicle. And that to me is very important, because I want to let my parents know this time I've made the right choice, I'm stronger than before and I'm not going to let them see me crying in the middle of the night anymore.

Pretty refreshing start. Not some friend of a friend, not someone in my MSN contacts, but a classmate, and a classmate who had a crush on me for one year. From my polytechnic, we were in the same class for one semester. We knew we lived superbly near each other upon chancing each other one day before an afternoon lesson, but we never questioned exactly where or when we should meet up for supper. And 2 years later, God put him right outside the Tampines Mall junction, leaning against a pillar smoking with a depressed expression, and put me right beside Tiffany Yo and Doreen Lau to walk past that pillar and turn my head to the left. And this fella' didn't want to acknowledge me unless I said hi first. $%^&*#@@#. Act shy. Why not I act virginal too and fly gently away into the sky from where you're standing so you look like an idiot staring upwards with an open mouth. He asked for my number, we went out for supper, dated every day before we got together. Exaggerated story, you're saying. But it's true and also very very possible because we live so damn near each other. Like 1 traffic junction and 1 carpark.

I gotta go to bed. It's Hui's birthday tomorrow! And exams are due in 1 week. 4 papers. Enough to ruin my after-project-submission happy mood. I can spend more time with little Sunshine too.

2007-06-04T01:35:00.000+08:00

Roy fetched me from work and we chilled at ECP for the longest time!! He's such a lovely boy, queued for half an hour at Lagoon to order my favourite Satay Bee Hoon!! He asked me out for dinner, but ended up eating ice-jelly and made me order ice kachang to accompany him. (Just San Tiao Xian lor) And he complained we seldom take pictures together.

Athena: Seldom?? It's NEVER TAKE BEFORE lor. Except one pathetic polaroid taken at your friend's chalet. And polaroid is quite ancient to be considered picture ba.

Roy: Eh, why ah? How come we never take one?

Athena: Cos I think you seem like the type who don't like to take pictures so I never ask you also lor! Somemore you always call me go out at 1am 2 am in t-shirt and shorts so cui people where got mood take picture sia.....

Roy: Haha ok now we take!

Roy made me take so many pictures. What's wrong with guys and cameras nowasays, tell me. His justifications make up the following list:

1. Face too big.

2. Head too up.

3. Eyes too small.

4. Smile too wide.

5. Flash too bright.

6. Head too big.

7. Double chin shows (I really cannot tell ok).

8. Never smile enough.

9. Lean too far back.

10. Athena's face make my face huge.

Results.

Take so many until I can create a collage. You see la Roy.

My dear sister went to Bali for 8 days! Eight freaginnnn days! Besides the fact that Bali is not very exciting, she failed to consider how much I would miss her. Jie's boo boo. And now that she's back, I'm too busy to meet her. MURDER ME.

And I'm still so nice to do a collage of our recent shots.

2007-06-03T23:28:00.001+08:00

Got tons of pictures to do collages of, got millions to post and write about. Met Rong on a certain off day, we headed to my favourite shopping mall - VivoCity!!

Rong is more girl than me. He brought a camera and furiously made me take losta pictures, only to send me pictures of myself and not he himself. The wind at the mall's deck was so bloody strong, had trouble opening my already slit-like eyes and smile for the cam.

Republic foodcourt. Reminds me of the olden days. And Rong made me take pictures of all the food we ordered, which wasn't much.

I have shaky hands while snapping pics. See below for evidence.

Whereas Rong has stable hands.

We went to play at Toysrus!! My favourite hang-out; I'm a sucker for Barbie dolls! But I hate ugly and freakish looking talking dolls.

I found a sweet looking crystal pink iPod. IT IS FAKE. Bleah. But good enough to bluff to a younger sibling it's the real thing.

These toys are getting more realistic nowadays. What the heck, I only had plastic fruits and food last time, no spaghetti with bolognaise sauce or nuggets with curry sauce!!

Even the toy containers are damn cute. Good marketing moves.

Rong says I'm a nightmare to little children. We said "Happy Tree Friends".

I love Disney Princesses! Lovely.

We didn't feel like we had enough fun after creating chaos in the toy store. We wanted to see our faces in the plasma televisions. So we squatted and waited.

Squatted and Waited.

Yeah finally the big big screen!!!

A nice collage to end this post. For my friend, my best buddy in the whole world.

Met Ru!

2007-06-02T01:16:00.000+08:00

Finally Ru and I got to meet!! Dearie didn't have to work on Friday but came all the way to Tampines to meet me, so touched, thank you dear!!

I love Ru, she makes me so happy. We can laugh our teeth out just being beside each other. We can go on non-stop about how fat we think ourselves are and how thin we think each other is. We can "ooh and aah" at pretty handphone themes for hours.

Sorry for the lack of text. Ever since I've started working, I don't like to switch on my com when I come home and type on the keyboard. I don't talk on the phone as much anymore. I don't sms my friends that frequently anymore. I don't get amused by Sunshine easily anymore. I'm just a very tired, overworked part-time employee of Starhub.

But I still have time for loved folks!! As usual. This is one part of me that will never ever change even after a lifetime.

A little something for my favourite lady. Thank you for everything; the times you've cried for me in hospital, the times you've dried my tears, the times you've felt heartbroken over me and the times you laughed with me. Love.