Runaway Bride (from the twisted world)

bringing the dead back from life

Saturday, March 26, 2005

don't know when I learnt that she loved Hello Kitty
supposedly to be my sister in the tragedy
someone said her spirit was drawing near
coming back to the mortal world any moment
we found many Hello Kitty merchandise
ranging from pens to letterpads to pencil holders
laid them all neatly in a room on transparent counter tables
maybe her room, or the medium connecting 2 worlds
filled every space we could with her favourite character

my hands trembled with every move
but still arranged all the items in a fashionable style
anticipating her return
waiting for that moment of truth
a strong wind blew through the windows every now and then
distracting our every movement

suddenly we ended up by a swimming pool
the bottom of the pool was murky and evil
a few of us tried to step on the tiles laid on top of the water
to avoid slipping into the water
i lost my footing and landed into the water
trying not to panic
my friends pulled me up immediately
and we continued running to nowhere
stopped in our tracks and realised
there was no more tiles to step on
that meant going into the water

the water had turned into a solid, jelly form
as we laid one foot on the pool
we started sprinting on the bouncy surface
it was so weird and suggested an omen
true it was
she was about to return

within minutes
the entire swimming pool had turned into
the horrid, jelly form
she appeared
speaking to each of her family members
she held and squeezed my hands
as i fought back the lump in my throat
hardly believing the dead could come back to life
merely by arranging their favourite things all over the place

saying her last words she went off with the wind
as i encountered another drama
computer images of dolphins killed by devils
a long hair girl in an old chinese cinema's staircase
came into life
someone spun a tale about what I saw
my heart beat increased
and I held my mother's hand really tight

as I heard the sound of birds chirping
I smiled
Wake up girl, you're only this close to escaping from this nightmare!
when I opened my eyes
I felt mummy's hand still clasped tightly to mine
I paused for a moment before
forcing my fingers to move forward
and there was nothing

it's Saturday, March 26, 2005 now

my grandma's cortege III

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Two coaches brought us the new Mandai crematorium. It was nothing like Mount Vernon at Aljunied, nothing like those huge stones with engraving on a moutain. The environment was simple yet serene, with grey and white as the colour of the buildings. There were escalators to transport us from one level to another, and windows were the roof of every building or hall. Even the design from the individual service halls, corridors, bathrooms to the viewing halls were too modern and contempary. Wooden benches, marble table tops, hand railings, carpeted flooring, broadly cut steps: Is there a reason for this unique design for A crematorium? Is it really appropriate?

As we entered the viewing mall, a darker cloud hung over all of us. It was the moment grandma's physical presence would officially leave us, leave the mortal world and burn to ashes and dust. We stared at the machine pushing grandma's coffin to the awaiting furnace, and started to grief and cry. At this point, my hands were still together, I want to pray for her until her final farewell. I was too sad to put my hands over my 14 year old cousin, be a strong big sister to comfort her. I forced my throat and mouth not to cry out loud, I pushed back grudgingly the emotions in my head, and sobbed with little moans. This time, I did not brush away the tears, but let all grief and sadness flow freely.

When the door closed, I knew it was final. Farewell Ah Ma, xi wang ni hui kuai le (hope you will be happy where you are). We left the viewing hall and went to an area outside. We were told to remove the cloths on our sleeves and the socks. A man gave us green leaves and a red packet (with real money inside). From that moment on, we were not in mourning anymore. How ironic is that. One moment I'm crying like mad, the next I've to control my tears and act happy?

My cousin and I went to the toilet. And I still continued to sob. On the way back in the bus, I saw my cousin cry. She was sitting behind me. I could understand her grief as she had lived with grandma her whole life, and grandma had helped take care of her brother as well. My 14 year old cousin sat beside me. After I thought I had calmed myself down, Natalie stared at the passing landscape. I saw through the corner of my eye that she was still rubbing her eyes. A young child like her could even feel sad even after the funeral was over; it was heartwarming. I began to tear too, and tried to play micropool on my handphone to distract my thoughts.

Next year, I won't be seeing grandma anymore. She won't be bringing out packet drinks and opening containers of titbits to offer me. She won't be wishing me all the best in my studies and 'kuai gao zhang da' (grow up faster). I can't hold her hand anymore, squeeze her shoulder, and tell her to take good care of herself and get enough rest. She watched me grow from a naughty child to a young adult. Grandma, I've grown into the young lady with the feminine nature you always think girls should have, and I will work hard in school. I really hope you will be good where you are, and you'll always be remembered by all of us, from young to old in the family.

it's Wednesday, March 09, 2005 now

my grandma's cortege II

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

That evening, I received news that my uncle had arrived in Singapore and visited grandma. The doctor then removed the drip from her and told us to be mentally prepared she will pass on in 4 to 5 hours' time. The next morning I woke up, my mum left a note saying that grandma had passed away at 4.00am. I wasn't very shocked, because we all anticipated this, felt sad for her passing but at the same time I felt it was a relief for her, to be free from wordly pain and diseases.

On Saturday, the fourth day of the funeral, I took part in the last stage of the chanting rituals. My grandma was a Buddhist.My mum had warned me not to take any joss sticks as I had a belief (Christianity). My cousin then passed me a joss stick. I felt guilty, but decided it was just holding an incense stick and I was doing it purely for the sake of my grandmother. I listened attentively to the monks' chanting for a while. I wondered what were they actually saying. That my grandma will rest in peace and not return to the human world? Then she will be reincarnated in her next life? That no one will hurt her in the netherworld?

We walked around the coffin, with the men in front and women following at the back, in a circle. I totally don't like this "zhong nan qing nu" tradition. Can't girls been seen as important if they do love their elders more than the men? My sister was angry with me for holding the joss stick. She accused me of not standing up for my belief and could have passed the incense to someone else. Then I started to think. I've backslided for several years and counting. Was my faith not strong enough, or I didn't take religion seriously? Whatever it is, I saw it as my duty and initiative to 'send' my grandma off.

The following day was the day of the cremation. On an early Sunday morning, everyone was dressed in white shirts and black/blue pants. While in mourning, the Chinese cannot wear anything in bright colours (orange, red, yellow), including clothes, shoes, earrings, necklaces, watches etc. This is taboo as there is a belief that such bright tones will 'flash' or 'block' out the spirit. Everyone related to the person who has passed away has to wear a small piece of cloth on his/her right sleeve. The cloth has different colours. Brown is for the deceased's sons and grandsons, dark blue is for the daughters and granddaughters. Red with white is for further relations. We also had to wear white socks (without any shoes) when the ceremony started, 'walking' behind the cortege (the van carrying the coffin) out to the main road.

As all of us walked, the Buddhist music played on from the cortege. Grandma's oldest son, Uncle Randy, was holding a paper lantern and at the head of the crowd. The atmosphere was extremely solemn, and my 14 year old cousin kept shedding tears. I felt my face and eyes starting to swell, and I soon started to cry for grandma. In all devotion and respect, we walked on the hard tar road with just socks for protection, and hands faithfully clasped in prayer style, accompanying dearest grandma.

it's Tuesday, March 08, 2005 now

my grandma's cortege

Last Tuesday, my mother and I visited my grandmother in Bright Vision Hospital. She was critically ill with cancer, and the tumour was at her throat. The previous day, she had removed the drip, her only means of temporary survival, from her hand and became unconscious for a while. My relatives who were present were so shocked and they thought they had lost her. Fortunately, the doctor arrived in time and replaced the drip, saving her fragile soul from death. In actual fact, my grandma was waiting to see her son, Uncle Randy, who was taking Wednesday's afternoon flight to see her for the last time.

As I mentally prepared myself to enter the ward, I walked hurriedly to my grandma and called out to her. She looked up, her eyes struggling to focus. The last time I visited her in Singapore General Hospital, I thought I had entered the wrong ward and walked out. I could not recognise her at all, for she had lost so much weight, her whole body size shrunken to almost skin and bones. This year's Chinese New Year, she could only sit on the sofa while waiting for her children and grandchildren to greet her, staring blankly at the television and struggling to speak coherently. She had become skinnier, and had no energy to move from where she was seated.

I scrutinised every part of grandma while she lied on the hospital bed. There was a spot of blood on the white bedsheet, probably when she removed the drip needle from her hand. Everytime i saw the needle pierced into her bony hand, I felt a strong heartache. She hated the drip (I guessed it hurt a lot), but had no choice as she had no appetite for proper food and could not swallow without feeling intense pain. Her lips and mouth were filled with yellow blisters. She even had difficulty drinking from a straw. Things we did so normally like drinking through a straw was a tedious process for grandma. She did not have the strength to suck the soyabean milk, and the liquid level kept falling and rising before it succeeded in reaching her mouth. This occured several times, and I tried hard to keep my tears from falling.

There she had to overcome another obstacle. Swallowing. She squinted her eyes so tight, her face all wrinkled up, lips taut and stretched, just to swallow that little bit of soyabean milk. I knew it hurt when the ends of the straw touched her mouth, hurt even more to swallow right pass through that horrible lump.

I went to the window and silently cried. As I grounded the tears from my eyes, fresh ones coursed down my cheeks. My glasses became misty, stained with pain and sympathy. As I returned to grandma's bedside, I noticed her eyes would remain open for a while then close halfway, revealing only white eyeballs, then open and close all over again. No wonder why my auntie had thought grandma 'left' yesterday. Grandma really looked like she was on the brink of death, trying hard to hold on to life. All for the sake of seeing Uncle Randy. I hoped so hard he would come back as soon as possible, please, for I was not sure how long she could hold out with that colourless liquid of glucose that hurt so much.

I had to go to school and my mother had to work later in the afternoon, so we had to bid our last farewell to grandma. Before I left her bed, I looked at her for the last time; she was still trying hard to keep her eyes open, focused at whatever was in front of her. Goodbye Ah Ma, please take care of yourself. I kept erasing the image of her temples that had sunken into a skull-like shape in my nind so that I could force back the tears waiting to gush out.

it's Tuesday, March 08, 2005 now