Saturday, October 25, 2008
I keep pushing my threshold of tolerating bullshit from people, who think I can be a damned sucker constantly giving in to them.
If you know me, you know I can be extremely selective about who I want to be nice to, and if you're not on that list, it either means I think you're a total bitch/jerk, or that you've done something to piss me off real bad.
I am, and I can be very capable of hurting you if you do not fucking wake up your lazy ideologies.
If you know me, you know I can be extremely selective about who I want to be nice to, and if you're not on that list, it either means I think you're a total bitch/jerk, or that you've done something to piss me off real bad.
I am, and I can be very capable of hurting you if you do not fucking wake up your lazy ideologies.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
alvy says i should go out, have some fun, stop thinking about things, so i can heal faster. and i really want to. but how do i get the fucking time? i really hate school now. it's as good as entering the real corporate world of politics. can't believe how badly i wanted to enter SMU and begged my mother 3 years ago.
if i had gone to work after getting my diploma, i wouldn't meet with so much shit, wouldn't bring stress to my mother, wouldn't be pulling my hair out over my meals, wouldn't force myself to give up shopping for several months, wouldn't make uninformed choices. and wouldn't be judged by my own opinion by Caucasians and smart asses.
i know i am not a bright spark, im nowhere near an average IQ as well. but i work very very hard, and life has already dealt its cards with me.
the only thing is that i know God will not give me more than i can take, but so what, being stronger doesn't mean i will not fall down the next time. i won't even let a next time happen.
if i had gone to work after getting my diploma, i wouldn't meet with so much shit, wouldn't bring stress to my mother, wouldn't be pulling my hair out over my meals, wouldn't force myself to give up shopping for several months, wouldn't make uninformed choices. and wouldn't be judged by my own opinion by Caucasians and smart asses.
i know i am not a bright spark, im nowhere near an average IQ as well. but i work very very hard, and life has already dealt its cards with me.
the only thing is that i know God will not give me more than i can take, but so what, being stronger doesn't mean i will not fall down the next time. i won't even let a next time happen.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
somehow, i don't talk as much anymore. i am not a fan of sms-ing on my lousy SE W610i, but seems like i have no other way or be a complete social alien.
perhaps i'm sick of letting people know the same old story, perhaps i lost a great deal of confidence in whatever i do, perhaps i have really changed a little within.
i don't organize my to-do list anymore. i don't do my work promptly. my work desk is in a mess of eraser dust, highlighters, post-it notes, files, notes, rough paper, and more notes.
while i feel like im burning out, i turn to red bull. when red bull starts tasting like spoiled cough syrup, i put on my ankle socks and wear my mother's badminton shoes (none of us own proper running shoes). i run a few miserly rounds in the neighbourhood park before doing 100 skipping sets. twists and turns, left to right, right to left, must be done whenever i am free. and 50 sets of thigh flexing before i head to bed.
if not for these, i wouldn't be able to stay up till 3am to do my work. amazing. i hated exercise. yeah i might look a little odd now, but i think i'll look fat again when the holiday comes. i feel like eating a nice buffet on my birthday!
i am dating my sims 2 nightlife at least twice a day.
i am building up a plot for an elderly gothic old witch to be bitten by a vampire (can be accomplished by a cheat but that's too boring). i am building up a korean superstar's career to reach the peak of his career at the young age of 22 sim days old. in the midst of all these, a lot of woo hooing is a must or there will not be enough friends to meet career advancement criteria.
you can woo hoo everywhere, in the photo booth, hot tub, car, bed. i just wanna keep my sims happy.
oops project meeting at 9.30am tomorrow and it's 3.20am now. bu-bye and i'll see ya on PET SOCIETY!
perhaps i'm sick of letting people know the same old story, perhaps i lost a great deal of confidence in whatever i do, perhaps i have really changed a little within.
i don't organize my to-do list anymore. i don't do my work promptly. my work desk is in a mess of eraser dust, highlighters, post-it notes, files, notes, rough paper, and more notes.
while i feel like im burning out, i turn to red bull. when red bull starts tasting like spoiled cough syrup, i put on my ankle socks and wear my mother's badminton shoes (none of us own proper running shoes). i run a few miserly rounds in the neighbourhood park before doing 100 skipping sets. twists and turns, left to right, right to left, must be done whenever i am free. and 50 sets of thigh flexing before i head to bed.
if not for these, i wouldn't be able to stay up till 3am to do my work. amazing. i hated exercise. yeah i might look a little odd now, but i think i'll look fat again when the holiday comes. i feel like eating a nice buffet on my birthday!
i am dating my sims 2 nightlife at least twice a day.
i am building up a plot for an elderly gothic old witch to be bitten by a vampire (can be accomplished by a cheat but that's too boring). i am building up a korean superstar's career to reach the peak of his career at the young age of 22 sim days old. in the midst of all these, a lot of woo hooing is a must or there will not be enough friends to meet career advancement criteria.
you can woo hoo everywhere, in the photo booth, hot tub, car, bed. i just wanna keep my sims happy.
oops project meeting at 9.30am tomorrow and it's 3.20am now. bu-bye and i'll see ya on PET SOCIETY!
lies
Sunday, October 12, 2008
everything i ever knew were lies and fabricated stories to make me sad, to protect me, to make me realize how selfish i was.
the head does not want to do what the heart wants to seek.
the head does not want to do what the heart wants to seek.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
my favourite forever 21 vintage double necklace broke while I was crossing the road to school on Monday noon.
the green man was blinking, the timer was counting down, but i stopped mid way to pick up the gold pendant . i couldn't find the montana oval piece on the road. as i stepped up on the pavement, i heard the cars and bikes roar their engines, and noticed how the black tyres rolled furiously over the dusty road. no way back. i stared at the road for quite a while, trying to look out for what i lost.
how did it separate from the pendant? time didn't give me a chance to find the missing piece.
i am not a superstitious person, but even i had a gut feeling this was something bad. i lost something really important to me, and maybe, i lost someone, for good. shattered on the road, broken in my world.
this was a preceding event to what i experienced in the later evening. God had his way to tell me. i wanted to say my final goodbye to everyone and find my pretty Sunshine.
i realized my blouses were getting bigger. i could hook another buckle hole. my tights were close to skinnies instead. my hip bone would be prone to knocking the corner of the table again.
actually the best and fastest way to lose weight is go through a break up, without giving up good food or exercising intensively because you just lose your appetite.
i lost 2 kg in a week. Cenosis didn't even give me my money worth 3 years ago.
but then u also risk your system breaking down on you and surviving on a drip and needle.
you cry, and take more away from your body.
you think, and take more away from your brain.
you sleep, but you're as good as half dead.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
this kind of love hurts way too bad. you think, time heals, but i think time only serves to hurt me further. your words are like shiny knives poking and scrapping off the veins out of my limbs, my heart pounds faster and faster, and the pain still cannot compare to what you actually did.
the thin white bandages can't hide the crimson seeping out, the wounds take long to heal.
i am not convinced of my conviction. but i have no other way. why, you. but i still care so much.
the thin white bandages can't hide the crimson seeping out, the wounds take long to heal.
i am not convinced of my conviction. but i have no other way. why, you. but i still care so much.
Friday, October 03, 2008
And I still cry so easily. Those waves won't leave me easily. Everyday, I will be reminded of what you did, every week I will evaluate my self-worth, every song tells of a love gone so wrong.
Perhaps out of two one ought to be happy, to balance things out.
Perhaps out of two one ought to be happy, to balance things out.
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Time: 7.44pm.
Supposed: The Box at Sweeney Todd screening
Coerced: Li Ka Shing Library
Activity: Mugging Business Processes OPIM201
Mood: Terrible. Upset.
Unintended: Helping a Minnesota student called Lucas with BP.
Mood: Weird. (i thought the gold haired ones were way smarter than me)
Can I really take in all that hurt? I asked Shar if I could stand up ever, again. I asked the Lord to give me strength, and I remembered I asked many times. I wonder if he ever heard me through my anguish. Ru stroked my hands countless times ever since we studied in the university. She must have known about my pain, because now her strokes are much gentler and her eyes turn soft upon looking at me.
I think people saw my facebook statuses. They probably wanted to say more than hello, but I didn't give them the chance. I look at the many couples on the train, in campus, on the bus, I wonder if they're happy. I wonder what would they do in my situation. And I can't find any comforting answer.
Is there something wrong with me? Is it my errorneous judgement, or is it the human heart's tendency to be fickle towards novelty?
Maybe, I'll take so much longer. Maybe forever, this time. I am challenging my level of tolerance.
Where can I find what I need? How can I dilute the intensity in my heart? Do I really care about the answer since life is going to be like that, anyway.
fly away
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
It is time I let go, and loosen my grip. Perhaps this kind of generosity is pure stupidity; it stings real bad till my heart can't beat the same way again, but I think I have cleared my debt. The rest, is up to you.
I want to fly away into the grey skies and think not of the times I cried. Can I find Sunshine there?