Wednesday, August 27, 2008
The number of true friends you have, I think, can never be more than what you can count on both hands. And that's why, I am so damn protective of these few people in my heart. If people care enough, they will be honest, face your defensive criticisms about their words, maybe even give you a slap in the face, but at the end of the day, they care about your well-being and will give you the support you need, whenever and wherever.
It takes a lot to break my heart and disregard everything we shared in the past. When Rong asked me about B, it was like this wave of hurt came over me and dug out all my old wounds, my lingering questions that were almost dead, now. So, try not to ask me about B, okay? I don't mind if you personally ask her why did she do what she did and break all of our hearts, come back to me with the answers. Other than that, don't take the first step and say anything about her.
Because I am really very sad why she had to leave my world that way.
It takes a lot to break my heart and disregard everything we shared in the past. When Rong asked me about B, it was like this wave of hurt came over me and dug out all my old wounds, my lingering questions that were almost dead, now. So, try not to ask me about B, okay? I don't mind if you personally ask her why did she do what she did and break all of our hearts, come back to me with the answers. Other than that, don't take the first step and say anything about her.
Because I am really very sad why she had to leave my world that way.
Darn. Week 2 only and I realized I have to go back to school every single day for project meetings or CCA meetings. And my homework and readings are already starting to accumulate because I am having trouble finding time to hand-write notes on my seminar slides from soft-copies. UNIVERSITY, I HATE YOU.
I have been shopping online so frequently. I have vehemently decided that I am going ahead to buy a floral Maxi Dress and a crochet top once I get my 1st tuition pay. And perhaps a new schoolbag that doesn't rip my hair off when it's on my shoulders, if I get extra money somehow.
Oh yes I'm tutoring a Primary 4 girl. Previously, I was supposed to tutor two children, a primary 1 girl and a primary 3 boy who are siblings. But the boy decided to quit and his mother decided to stop wasting her money on a son who did not have the least bit of motivation to pass in school. The tuition centre revised the rate from $18/hour to $10/hour if I were to continue coaching the girl only, so obviously I declined the assignment. I felt so disappointed because I was looking forward to coming up with creative, visual ways to teach the primary 1 girl.
Then God gave me another chance seeing that my mum keeps threatening to rent my room out. My primary school friend introduced me to her niece who needed Maths and Mandarin tuition. I didn't realize that the pay is much more than the market rate until Shar and Jeremy filled me in. I am very delighted and motivated to do my best for this primary 4 girl. She shares a loving relationship with her father, which reminds me so much of what I have with my Dad! While her father was talking to me about her Maths studies, she was tickling his chin and playing with his hair. When her parents told me to use the cane to whack the "monkey" if she was naughty, she showed victory in both hands, shook her head, and smiled at me! Really cute kid. Her actions are so similar to me at her age.
This is the first time I'm attempting to teach Mandarin, and I'm really nervous about it. None of my friends have ever taught Mandarin! No tips from them. And they seem to think I won't do much of a job. I won't be surprised.
I really hope I can help the girl achieve better grades because her parents dote on her so much and I don't wish for their money to go to waste either.
Rotaract Club welcome session and Communications social this Friday. My off day. Bloody boo to that.
I have been shopping online so frequently. I have vehemently decided that I am going ahead to buy a floral Maxi Dress and a crochet top once I get my 1st tuition pay. And perhaps a new schoolbag that doesn't rip my hair off when it's on my shoulders, if I get extra money somehow.
Oh yes I'm tutoring a Primary 4 girl. Previously, I was supposed to tutor two children, a primary 1 girl and a primary 3 boy who are siblings. But the boy decided to quit and his mother decided to stop wasting her money on a son who did not have the least bit of motivation to pass in school. The tuition centre revised the rate from $18/hour to $10/hour if I were to continue coaching the girl only, so obviously I declined the assignment. I felt so disappointed because I was looking forward to coming up with creative, visual ways to teach the primary 1 girl.
Then God gave me another chance seeing that my mum keeps threatening to rent my room out. My primary school friend introduced me to her niece who needed Maths and Mandarin tuition. I didn't realize that the pay is much more than the market rate until Shar and Jeremy filled me in. I am very delighted and motivated to do my best for this primary 4 girl. She shares a loving relationship with her father, which reminds me so much of what I have with my Dad! While her father was talking to me about her Maths studies, she was tickling his chin and playing with his hair. When her parents told me to use the cane to whack the "monkey" if she was naughty, she showed victory in both hands, shook her head, and smiled at me! Really cute kid. Her actions are so similar to me at her age.
This is the first time I'm attempting to teach Mandarin, and I'm really nervous about it. None of my friends have ever taught Mandarin! No tips from them. And they seem to think I won't do much of a job. I won't be surprised.
I really hope I can help the girl achieve better grades because her parents dote on her so much and I don't wish for their money to go to waste either.
Rotaract Club welcome session and Communications social this Friday. My off day. Bloody boo to that.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
At 3.48am I ran out of my house in pure madness at this time of the month with black cats following me and ashes in the wind everywhere. I gave him my last blessing.
I never cried so hard in my life before. I'm trying to be as silent as possible, curbing my sobs under the rolled blanket, so Daddy won't hear me in the living room. Luckily I'm not in school right now I don't have to pretend everything is rosy and alright. Time is running out.
There is no hope, no future left. I will deal with it and give myself time to heal. I don't think I ever want to look back at this entire episode again, it's so desolate and unhappy.
I'm gonna bring Sunshine in my room and look at him till I fall asleep.
I never cried so hard in my life before. I'm trying to be as silent as possible, curbing my sobs under the rolled blanket, so Daddy won't hear me in the living room. Luckily I'm not in school right now I don't have to pretend everything is rosy and alright. Time is running out.
There is no hope, no future left. I will deal with it and give myself time to heal. I don't think I ever want to look back at this entire episode again, it's so desolate and unhappy.
I'm gonna bring Sunshine in my room and look at him till I fall asleep.
him
I switched off my phone for the first half of the day because I didn't want to go through a day without receiving his calls or messages. It felt so strange, so lonely and empty. Then I couldn't take it and switched my phone on. Bad mistake. Darn one.
Every time I slide my phone, I would hold my breath for a second, then get so disappointed. The school term only serves to remind me everything good and beautiful is over, serves as a medium to direct my desolation away, not all of it I guess.
Tiffy said it's gonna hurt and hurt until I become numb. I wish I could go to cold Canada and hug her tight and tell her of the hopelessness I have in my heart. She's so far away from me.
I wish for him to pay for his car comfortably, that his performance will be recognized at work, that his parents would enjoy spending more time with their only son, that he will start school soon and begin a new lease of (better) life.
When a good girl comes along to bloom the wiltedness in his sunken heart, I wish that she would lay the neck pillow behind his neck when he starts his engine, share the same love for old school emo rock, entertain him so that he doesn't fall asleep behind the wheel on the highway, be as excited about console games, sings her heart out at the KTV, walk with him on his favourite part of East Coast beach, share strawberry ice-cream with him, hears him out when he throws tantrums, watch HK serial dramas with him, team with him at arcade basketball .........
and locks his arm because he feels very loved this way.
Fallen star. I must find a way to let go of my pain.
When you see a double rainbow in the sky, know that I will be that rainbow in the background to complete your magnificent wonder and beauty.
mayday
My timetable's crazy. I'm doing a 3 day week, and my Mondays are INSANE. From 8.30am till 6.45pm, I've got three classes. And I didn't manage to fall asleep on Sunday night until 5am on Monday morning. I have a serious bout of insomnia haunting me. Post-Genting blues were sky high when I returned to Singapore last Thursday night and I couldn't stop whining about the sultry weather here. I guess they're fading but I don't really want them to.
I'm so happy to see Ru and Liang in school, they have been familiar faces since I entered university. I get to see Shar, Ping and Hui every Monday morning as well, so they can turn around and yak with us whenever and I'm so delighted!
Shar's haircut is superbly funky. Could never carry off a short bob like her. Don't worry about the back of your hair girl, cos it's gonna grow out in no time. Just don't think about it! (like how I attempt not to think about my thinning hair)
I managed to last the freaking day, feeling totally wasted during my 3rd class Business Processes. Damn effin boring. Puts my spirits way down cos it's like an advanced level of Management Science. EEEEWWWWW. I thought I would faint in the train on my way home. And I'm up at 1am making calls and replying emails to sponsors and president. Start of a no-lifer school term.
Ru and I also made a new friend today! Gil is an exchange student from Israel, and he asked if we could share our table with him during lunchtime at the food court. He asked us a lot of questions about Singapore and our food. He is so freaking well-read. He even knows the government pays us money to make babies. *SNORTS* He thinks our Sentosa beaches are "too young", doesn't feel real except for the sand. He thinks SMRT train fares are very inexpensive (I don't think so relatively in the sickening country with rising prices every month). He thinks Singaporeans are a bunch of "amazing" people who are very friendly especially while giving tourists directions.
And he is so funny. He wore his shades indoors. He was eating Korean bibimbap (hot stone mixed rice) and he started picking one of up the silver fish and waved it hilariously in front of me, "That is so gross!! Look you can see its eye in its clear body! It's looking at you! Why would you wanna eat me?"
Upon close inspection, I realize the silver fish is ACTUALLY quite disgusting. Thanks to this new guy who sat at my lunch table. How come I don't find ikan bilis that inedible. Because they're not silver? Because they don't have black beady eyes staring out of a shining body?
Ru and I were stunned. I went on about how they were the same as anchovies and I'm sure he eats that at home as well. I think I'm going to learn some Hebrew from him, hehehehehehe, and impress my mummy at church.
So I decided to see a dermatologist for my hair, because my hair is thinning at a pace my hamster is running on his wheel every morning. Everybody refuses to believe my scalp is showing like an old wrinkled woman's. That's because you're not taller than me and thank God you don't purposely notice my scalp! I showed photos to my sister and she's convinced to solve my problem. I may have to take steroids as medication, and I am not looking forward to its side effects. But I rather my new hair grow out as I really want to keep my long hair.
I have so many freaking problems in my body. I hate the mole on the right side of my face. I have told mummy I am going to laser it away. I need to see a skin doctor asap. I need braces for my horrid looking teeth.
Mayday Mayday.
of crushed hopes and dreams
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Two years ago I entered into a mid-life crisis when I wasn't even an ounce close to 40. Now, there is no crisis, leaving murdered dreams and never-to-be-revived hopes. I refused to stop fighting the war a few months ago. And I have to fall to my knees and admit defeat after much struggle.
He was the first I ever truly dreamed of marrying. Unlike the others, he didn't take my love as short-term, he didn't abuse me and cheat on me. He gave me all his love. There was never a day I felt insecure or asked to be reassured, because both of us knew we were serious about each other and that we aimed to build a life together.
Like sand over fire, the smoke spits out just like our relationship bitterly ended. I was changing myself to suit him. I didn't realize over time until my sister pointed it out to me. And I also knew that this change would not be permanent and it would create bigger problems. Change or not, another huge problem came up. Actually it was there all along, in trivial occurrences but I was short-sighted to overlook these.
I could continue dating him for another two or three years, so long as I didn't wish to marry. Which is absolutely immature because this does not equate to a long-term relationship. We are not a bunch of secondary school kids kissing in the void deck staircases. I see a number of people around me, living for the moment, like what Roy said. We would never be able to bring our relationship up to another level. A couple quarrel, kiss and make up the next day because one believes "I love you so much, can't do without you, let's forgive and forget", waste several good bloody years, only to find out when they're past 30, that his or her partner can only be as good as a boyfriend or girlfriend, and nothing more.
This is painful, much more painful than what I had expected. Because I still love him very much.
I want to stop hiding and crying under my pillow. I need to get out of the house. Too much rejection has reared its ugly face already. So I packed my bags and walked out. Suddenly the darkness of the night didn't seem so frightening during this month, but rather, it gave me shadows I could hide my sadness in.
Even in my sister's house, I am still reminded of his presence. Putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush in the morning. Drying out the bathing towels for his next use. Snatching the blanket from him in the cold bedroom. Jeering at him at every Wii game. Ironically cheering him on when he's doing a one-player game. I stare back at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror, and realize that the other toothbrush my sister had lay on the counter was not going to be used by its owner, for a long long time. The Strawberry Minnie Mouse plush he had won from those UFO machines for my sister proved his prior presence in all of our lives.
I finally come to terms that two people with a romantic relationship can never part on peaceful terms. Not necessarily chaotic, but possibly grudgingly or regretfully. You can try to be friends, but you know that there are some thing you will never ever let the other one on, because it is too heartwrenching to relate to the person whom broke your heart. You can be cruel, and realize that one day the tables will be turned on you.
I am thankful that God ever arranged for him to enter my life, know my family and wash away my bouts of helplessness. They say some women marry men who in some ways, resembles their fathers' ways and character. I found one like that. Only that we were never meant to be. Hopefully, in the future, we will. But even now that hope is frail.
I'm back to square one. And probably more emotionally exhausted than ever. I don't ever want to date anymore. Tiffany, I wished so bad you were here, I wish so bad. Maybe if you were here things could take a turn for the better. But it's too late.
Goodbye to him, goodbye to whatever blissful wedding ceremony and lovely kids in the fuzzy cloud above my head.
It's been a month since I updated. Wow. Everytime I toss and turn for at least two hours in my bed trying with all my might to fall asleep ( I don't succeed 89.1% of the time), I would attempt to organize the thoughts in my head so that I would know what to fill in my blog posts the following day (which doesn't actually get carried out 100.0% of the time). I will try now, actually try now.
Countdown 3 days to school starting. So bloody dreadful. 5 freaking modules. I hope I don't die from content heavy assignments or flipping the English-Chinese dictionary. I'm going to be eating air for the next two weeks cos I just found out I need to purchase brand new textbooks for two of my modules. Seriously, it is a hell lot of difference between a 2nd hand text and a spanking new one! Damn.
I joined SMU Film Society! I didn't join an CCA in school because I was already struggling to make time for homework. I went to the Samba Masala try-outs, and it was proven I had no sense of rhythm. I wanted to join Handball, but reckon I would be a clutz on the floor, so forget it. So I'm in a CCA only for the sake of it, for the sake of everyone else besides me joining more than one CCA and for the sake of my future resume. It is so stupid. Like I need a CCA to prove I have leadership or management capabilities? Crap.
But I'm enjoying what I'm doing! The Film Society's interest is in movies and films, and yes, I am a movie fanatic (not too much of Chinese movies though)! We carry out weekly screenings at The Box, food and drinks are provided, all free-of-charge to fellow students! VIVACE is our next upcoming event, and most of the booth materials were my ideas, can't wait for Friday to come and wow the freshmen. Maybe a few people would wanna take pictures with our booth.We've got discount coupons for watching movies and mini movie premiums to be won! I'm not telling! Visit my booth on VIVACE and you'll find out.
Just ended a conversation with him. And somehow, the tears came back to my eyes again. I hate his ex-girlfriend. She can't get over the fact that he broke up with her because she cheated on him twice. She constantly tries to suck up to his elder sister on facebook, with all those retarded applications, especially SuperPoke. So it goes like "Miss Need-A-Life has given flowers to Priscilla" or "Miss Need-A-Life has given the gold to Priscilla". She sms-es him occasionally and even asked if I helped him pay for his new car (her business should be concentrating on being loyal to her partners and stop snatching people's boyfriends). Now, she takes every opportunity of the situation and openly invites herself into his house. Wanting to sell her investment policies to his mother and sister.
So low, so despicable. But Shar's experience is still champion.
Countdown 3 days to school starting. So bloody dreadful. 5 freaking modules. I hope I don't die from content heavy assignments or flipping the English-Chinese dictionary. I'm going to be eating air for the next two weeks cos I just found out I need to purchase brand new textbooks for two of my modules. Seriously, it is a hell lot of difference between a 2nd hand text and a spanking new one! Damn.
I joined SMU Film Society! I didn't join an CCA in school because I was already struggling to make time for homework. I went to the Samba Masala try-outs, and it was proven I had no sense of rhythm. I wanted to join Handball, but reckon I would be a clutz on the floor, so forget it. So I'm in a CCA only for the sake of it, for the sake of everyone else besides me joining more than one CCA and for the sake of my future resume. It is so stupid. Like I need a CCA to prove I have leadership or management capabilities? Crap.
But I'm enjoying what I'm doing! The Film Society's interest is in movies and films, and yes, I am a movie fanatic (not too much of Chinese movies though)! We carry out weekly screenings at The Box, food and drinks are provided, all free-of-charge to fellow students! VIVACE is our next upcoming event, and most of the booth materials were my ideas, can't wait for Friday to come and wow the freshmen. Maybe a few people would wanna take pictures with our booth.We've got discount coupons for watching movies and mini movie premiums to be won! I'm not telling! Visit my booth on VIVACE and you'll find out.
Just ended a conversation with him. And somehow, the tears came back to my eyes again. I hate his ex-girlfriend. She can't get over the fact that he broke up with her because she cheated on him twice. She constantly tries to suck up to his elder sister on facebook, with all those retarded applications, especially SuperPoke. So it goes like "Miss Need-A-Life has given flowers to Priscilla" or "Miss Need-A-Life has given the gold to Priscilla". She sms-es him occasionally and even asked if I helped him pay for his new car (her business should be concentrating on being loyal to her partners and stop snatching people's boyfriends). Now, she takes every opportunity of the situation and openly invites herself into his house. Wanting to sell her investment policies to his mother and sister.
So low, so despicable. But Shar's experience is still champion.