I beat my record. The first time I slept at 6.15am when I have a lesson few hours later. My insomnia is at its peak. I'm having my BGS class now, furiously typing away - in my powerpoint lecture slides, MSN and blogger hahahahaha!

I anticipate next week is going to be worse, with 2 class tests, and the following week is simply HELL. 2 reports, 1 presentation and 1 darned debate due. I need to order an oxygen tank and request for the sandman to come by my place some time soon to give me the sleep I desperately need.

I've never felt so down in my life before. I'm never perfect, and I'm more tainted than ever. Who will accept my love in the future? I suddenly thought about that while trying to sleep, and tears seeped into my eyes instantly. The future doesn't seem that bright for me after all. The bloody acid feeding on my stomach walls appears to alleviate the sadness I'm feeling. Medicine suddenly is not a desirable option for me.

I'm sorry if I made you cry. I need more time to look out of the black window in my world.

I'm still used to walking to Pipo's tank to tease her during advertisement time or when my show on TV ends. My Dad placed a huge metal funnel there, and I can only see my own solitude reflection. It's annoying, but it doesn't replace the sadness and missing in my heart.

I told Mummy about what I feel. Mummy said, 'Please Athena, don't have any more pets. It's so depressing.' I replied, 'But they're cute and make good company for me. I'll have a cute doggie following me next time'. Mummy responded,'Oh no...dogs are worse..you'll cry for months..'

The huge "Hamster Portrait" jigsaw puzzle Jade gave to me for my birthday a few years ago reminds me of my lovely hamsters more, but I wish I could see their faces everyday. That's why I'm going to print pictures of Lion, Smartie, Chirpy, Snowy, Pipo and Pocky and mount them on a nicely decorated board, hang it up on my wall, right beside the Hamster Portrait. At least they'll be close to me, my heart, and also accompany me during my sleep.

Went for supper at Chomp Chomp just now. The stingray is yi ji bang!! I wonder how Jerry can say it's delicious with a nonchalant look on his face. Guys must retain the cool look issit hahaha!
I feel a little happier getting out of the house; at least I won't think so much of my hamsters.

Forsaken. I will be strong and move on, before bitter emotions turn into hate and whatever good left decomposes into fragments blown in the nearby breeze. No desire to live in the
past, where my tears fell waiting for the phone to sound, waiting for comforting words, waiting for assurances, and, waiting for a communication from the other side.




>> A chubbier me during 2006 CNY


>> Fooling w the cam in sis' new house


>> Narcissistic abt 2 mths ago









Straighter hair makes a difference? Slimmer cheekbones? Tell me!! Cos' I got a good feeling to comb down those stupid curls and do hair extensions. I'm serious! My hair doesn't grow after a certain length and
I'm pissed off after keeping long hair for 4 years!

This is cutie Pocky. I've always favoured him over Pipo, because male hamsters aren't as fierce as females. He's more lazy than Pipo, doesn't run on the wheel too often and pounces into the food bowl the moment anyone fills it up. He's a very lovely hamster, letting you stroke him to sleep when he feels like it.














My dear Pipo. She was the more active one, constantly running on the wheel. She made us laugh when she tried to run on the wheel even though it had fallen and was lying horizontally on the ground.


My picture placing still suck. Someone pls help me!

Ru-Na >> Lei-Si

My pretty new shoes!! Bought 'em at 66! I intended to buy a pair of gold flats and red heels, but there wasn't any nice gold shoes in Far East, and the gold ones I wanted to buy did not have my size! You think it's all that good being tall?? No because sometimes shoe shops don't carry too many stock of your size! Hrumph! These pair of peep toes are an absolute eye-candy, stylish with a touch of class. And I love the heels, what else can I ask for?? I'm going to wear it with my new cream floral dress.

And my dearie Ru got a similar pair as well!! Her diamante was round-shaped, placed on a ribbon. Her slip-in shoe was made of a shiny brown cloth with a ribbon-back. It had a cute little pump too! Only 4 years ago did we have something similar. When we were in secondary school, she would have a pink bag and I would have an orange bag, or I would buy a purple hair clip, and she would get her signature pink colour clip. Now we have something the same again, and I'm so proud of us!! It's a girl thing la. Just like best friends must always have something identical and it somehow bonds them closer. I told Ru we must wear em out one day, to shopping or to school, so we can show Liang. Haha as if he'll be interested.

I guess I could do without my goldies for now. For now only.

The whole is getting into red nowadays. Ru did her manicure and I persuaded her to choose a bright red polish for her Halloween Dinner and Dance this weekend. We don't get to be a SHE-DEVIL everyday darling! And she bought me a uber cool red cloth belt for my birthday! Thanks darling I love it I'm going to wear it as often as I can!!

And my red snake-skin peep toes. I wanted to get the normal PVC red pumps, but this pair totally blew me off! I will definitely get them in time to come, but purchasing two pairs of heels seem a little too much. After all my main motive was to get flats for walking about in school. My mother has a thing with me buying heeled-shoes too.

I saw a pair of red rose earrings at Fresh Poison at Dhoby Ghaut exchange! I'm going to get it, together with the gold-plated white enamel button earrings!! Why are things getting so pretty nowadays? Do you know it's irritating when I'm not working and my account savings are going to a new low because of internet bills and phone bills and daily expenses and occasional retail therapy??

Now that I've found out how to upload pictures on my blog, you'll definitely see loads more coming up! Perhaps after my exams in end November though. *sighz*

Yeah I can't wait for next Saturday to come cos I can see my beloved folks and enjoy steamboat under the night sky! Steamboat, it's a bonding thing for me. But my weekend is burned. I've got Handball from 2 - 5pm later, and make-up lesson for Analytical Skills from 5.15 - 6.56pm. After that I've got to head home and work on my statistics assignment, MA report and BGS report. Not to mention MA Master Budgeting homework and revision of stats lecture notes (cos i dunno wtf the prof is blabbering in class i got to figure it out myself). I never saw myself being such a mugger. But I'm not the worst!! I spend a good amount of time you-tubing too hahahahaha

Ahhhhhh. My eyes are congested with red network vein patterns, and my irises look swollen. Think I'm down with sore eyes. Makes me frustrated especially when I've got so much project tasks to carry out on the computer. Even when I close my eyes, the lids seems to burn. It's just horrid.

I still stop to look at the empty space beside the telephone in the living room. I don't believe there is nothing there. I can only see the pictures of the fuzzy ones, and wallow in tears because I can no longer observe their little worlds. Daddy says they're in God's world. I used to believe that, until someone told me the animals disappear with the earth because that is where they came from.

Feel like huge stones keep rolling in my path. Even if you're moving on to spin a perfect story, don't act like you care about me. No one is going to blame you if I lose an arm or a leg. When you ignore my sms-es but reply promptly to her sms-es, you do it oh so openly in front of my eyes. You slam my blog for being a sympathy wishing well, but what about your hypocrisy to both of us? If she knew about us, would she still be persistent towards you? I doubt so.

I look to the sky, and know that the greater God will be there for me, collecting my tears while planning a more wonderful haven for my future.

Pipo left my side. She went to God's arms, and ran to play with her brother Pocky. At least, she left me comforted by leaving with her eyes closed. I wonder if it was in contentment, relief, or that of longing?

It is extremely paralyzing to bury your dead pet in the middle of the night, where the rain has just stopped, the earth is damp, and your heart feels so sad it could fall apart anytime. As I rubbed bathing powder on her, feeling her soft clean fur, my tear droplets fell silently on her cheek. And more water droplets soaked into the delicate kitchen paper I lay her on. Will she know of my grief and yearning? I picked out 3 milk biscuits, 2 soy beans, 3 corn bites and 5 sunflower seeds to accompany Pipo on her journey to Heaven. Somehow, I wished I could give her more, I looked around the house, but I didn't know what else I could bring to her. How could I solidify my love into a physical object and place it in her tiny paws?

When Daddy had created a burrow in the grass patch and had stretched out for Pipo, I held back, and carressed her soft body for the last time. She looked peaceful, as though she was in a deep sleep and dreaming of sunflower seed fields. I couldn't believe she was dead, because she seemed so alive, so close to me. Daddy stepped forward and took her away from me before I could break into tears again. I didn't even want to say bye to Pipo.

Walking back home, my shoulders were slouched more than ever, my head was down, my hair was a mess of shock and grief, my eyes were choked with overflowing tears. I couldn't see anything in front of me, everything was blurred and I could only hear my constant sobbing.

12 days. Why not a month? Why not another few months? Just as I was getting used to not seeing Pocky around anymore, Pipo left my side as well. How can I accept one passing and receive another one within 12 days? Cruel.

Then again, God had given me much more than the slice of cake I deserved. Pocky and Pipo outlived their other siblings at least 8 months, and they appeared to have enjoyed life beyond their lifespan of 2 years. What else could a loving mistress ask for? Yet, death is always hard to accept.

The empty space in my living room. It used to be one area 12 days ago, now it's two areas this morning. I've developed a tendency to sit in front of their cages, refilling food bowls, replacing bottles with boiled water, tidying saw dust, placing the running wheels properly, pouring bathing powder and brushing their fur, teasing them with a long spoon. But now, there's nothing but emptiness whose best partner is loneliness.

It will be a while till I approach their passing with a much more cherrier perspective.

And I'm still sitting down, watching the space in front of me, pretending the two furry ones are sleeping in their homes.

I've been going out darn late. Late in the morning. When I leave my house, the sky is still blue. When I return, the sky is a lighter blue, more traffic buzzes on the road, people are going to the shops to get newspapers and breakfast. It's like a transition kinda thing.

Went out at 2am and returned at 7am. What a way to spend your holiday huh. Let me tell you more. On my way to Geylang's You Tiao Da Wang, there was a gang fight at Geylang Serai! Wtf. I thought I would just see the aftermath, like Malay young punks running hastily on pavements. At a traffic light stop, I saw worse. MUCH WORSE. I saw a beefy-looking Malay guy holding a chopper. A BLOODY CHOPPER. His white shirt was stained in large blood stains! He was trying to cross the road, all the vehicles were looking and passer-bys looked shocked. I was stunned too. Well, he's pretty conscious enough to cross the road while looking out for oncoming vehicles, but he's not very conscious, or sane, to HOLD A BLOODY CHOPPER IN THE OPEN WITH A BLOOD SOAKED SHIRT!

Roy told me if he was in uniform, he would have taken out his revolver and shoot at the bloody guy. I was like, 'No way! He's holding a damned chopper and he's half-mad'! Few minutes later, we saw an ambulance heading towards City Plaza. Roy also mentioned it's super unlucky to kill someone on Hari Raya and get killed on Hari Raya. I absolutely agree. What kind of upbringing did that bloody guy had? Didn't he think of his future in a cold prison cell when he brought the knife down? Worst, didn't he think about his weeping parents after the judge makes the final decision? Stupidity. Really. And the rest of the gangs should get a life, study hard, work hard, whatever, and not hang around at void decks or field to kill someone and when shit happens run away. Stupidity. Seriously.

Warning: This is going to be an ultimately bimbotic entry. Slightly surprising of Athena to blog such stuff. Here goes.

I went to Vivocity today! My dad cultivated this habit of exploring shopping malls in Singapore in me since I was old enough to walk by myself! We were especially intrigued by new shopping centres, and I would bug Daddy to drive the family there on a weekend.

The evening went pretty ok, not to mention someone was late for another half-an-hour despite postponing the time one hour later and dared to throw a huge fit about bad luck downing on him. Ru wouldn't approve of my comments if she saw my sore eye balls. *hugs*

I had no intention of purchasing anything; my aim was to check out the big hoo-haa about this water-front mall and the new retails brands in town. I've never thought much of Forever 21 clothes, because people have informed me of the extravagant prices and lousy quality fabric. The good stuff? 98.7 FM aggressively advocating about how wonderous the boutique is in stocking up the latest trends in fashion. I entered the shop and found myself actually doing some serious shopping - looking for pieces my style, imaging what I would look like in them, what could I match it with, is the price too high for my almost zonked debit card, would anyone think it's a fashion disaster, whether my sis would buy something similar back from the States for me and yada yada.

Worst, there were MANY pretty necklaces looking sweetly and pleadingly at me in the store. Turqoise stones, cream pearls, gold chains, heart pendants, silver charms, black crystals - they were all swirling in my head! I didn't forget the pretty gold, white, pink, laced hairbands, the red PVC belt, chiffon scarfs - ooh all so delicious!!

I picked out 4 pieces, 1 of them being a pretty dress. The fabric was thinner than paper, but I didn't care. I WANTED a dress for a long time already. And the dress fitted my expectations - brown tapering finishes and floral prints. I was praying I looked good in it so it could be an excuse to buy it. And someone said it did. A notable piece was the blouse with black & white streams as the background, and red silk as tapering finishes. It was sexy, hot, instinctive and totally stylish. I got the dress and the top. I thought hard about the pretty necklaces, and I chose one with clear and black crystals of different sizes. When I have the grub I'll come back for the turqoise beaded gold chain. And the gold charmed necklace at Diva!

After paying for the stuff, I called Daddy to ask if he could finance 50% ($50) of my latest purchase. Daddy say he could pay 100%! So happy, but I wouldn't because Daddy works very hard for his money and I'm already being a bitch for spending without working. Once I got home I showed Daddy my new things (this is routine activity) and I could tell Daddy liked the cream dress better! Lucky Mummy didn't turn around or she would scream just at the thought of the price tags. But she will scream soon because I dumped the clothes in the laundry bag for washing. Eh, hehe.

I'm supposed to be completing my individual assignment for BGS, but I totally cannot focus. Who cares about genetically modified food, seriously? If you want you go ahead and eat them if you don't want don't go ahead and don't eat them.

And I've been you-tubing so often! Princess Hours a.k.a. Goong! I can catch later episodes online while still following the weekday 7pm slot on Channel U. Unfortunately only some episodes have English subtitles and sometimes I have to look at the characters' faces really closely so I can speculate about what is going on. Nonetheless, the creator of this comic and this show is fabulous! The plot is very comical, not really tear-inducing, yet interesting enough to have me hollering for episode after episode.

Eye-candy is essential, of course. 4 good looking main characters is a good bargain. I prefer Kim Jeong Hoon, he's got that doe-eyed cutie boy appeal. But Taeja's (Crown Prince) nose is impeccably attractive as well. I won't bother to choose because they're made for Bingung Mama (Crown Princess). And because I'm contented watching good soap operas.

I also downloaded the entire OST! 'Perhaps Love' is a must listen-to, even if you're not interested in anything. The other tracks are amazingly interesting, with oriental musical instruments and harps to play a soothing melody through your speakers.

I don't really like Korean dramas because I believe most of them are sappy love stories involving the feud of the previous generations and there are always villains to wreck a possible happy ending but you will surely have a happy ending so aunties like my Mummy get absolutely addicted. The unfair thing is Mummy never tells herself off for consuming so much electricity watching TV.

I talk like that in real life, really. Long sentences, non-stop with few pauses. Going to meet Jerry for supper soon. It's 4.21am. I think I should mean early early breakfast. Or breakfast chit-chat.

From 35 calls to 2 missed calls. I think I took quite a big leap already. But he still refuses to return my 2 calls or 1 message. My mind is twirling with tornadoes of questions, and the answers see no today or tomorrow. I wonder if this is what I'm really worth to him after a year.

He probably couldn't stand the drawing of the Japanese couple I gave to him either. My last present to him. His reluctance when receiving the card, the tight uncomfortable smile, every facial expression, every body language, brought tears to my eyes instantly. What the hell wrong did I do to deserve this. Perhaps, my goodwill had stretched too far, till it hurt the other party. So bad he had to resign from anything associated with me.

I don't remember since when, he stopped calling to ask if I had reached home safely after a 30 min taxi ride. Similarly, I wasn't expecting a call on Sunday when I returned to my room. My heart was heavy. I picked up the phone and called him. 1 rings, 2 rings, 3 rings, no answer. I need not send a message because the caller ID does a good job of conveying my safety.

For 39 days, I gave too much benefit of the doubt. Now I come to a realisation that arrived too late, that my calls were never willingly answered, my messages were intentionally ignored. I'm slowly letting things go, I'm trying my utmost best. I'm holding back every single tear, I don't want to slip back, I want to be strong so I believe in hope and miracles.

Now the situation's worse. He deliberately locked me out of his world, and before bidding farewell, had the audacity to shower promises like flower rain on my heart. No longer a garden of dreams, but a storm of despair hit me terribly. To lock someone completely out of your world must be difficult as well. I wished I knew the thoughts running through his head when his phone is blinking non-stop.

I've become the repulsive one in a blink of the eye. I knew the world is real, but I only know now the one you love is really real. I was afraid, alone, I needed security. I never meant to scare you, your love off. I never expected you to challenge my suicide rantings. I gave up so much, if I gave up life, my return would be condemnation.

Love is mutual, they say. Let's say for now, everything's done and over with. I apologise for not being able to look ahead.


The wedding gown is stained crimson
The netted gloves are torn
The head-dress has frayed
The heels of the shoes have broken

but the rings are scratched and tarnished

Once again, I'm up in the early morning (time check: 2.41am) when I have lessons in the later part of the day. Insomnia has been an unofficial organ in my body for several years coming. Hits real bad when a loved one passes away, or when a loved one leaves my way of life.

I wonder why I never got tired from dialling those 8 digits on my home phone. Not once did I use the redial button. Even if the ringing sounded impatient itself, I still wanted to hear them. And when he did answer the call, I had to hear 3 'hellos' before I could register someone had finally pressed the green button on his cell.

The cup I made for him - I know where is it now. Right in the paper box the shop put the cup in. And the paper box is in the green plastic bag the shop put the box in. And the green plastic bag is settled untidily on his desk. When I saw that, a blade sliced right through the middle of my heart. If a cup was that insignificant to him, what was I now? What am I now? What will I be in the future? Argument: He doesn't have to display the cup. Rebuttal: It's not a folded letter in an envelope which can be kept in a dusty drawer. If he can display our photo in a photo frame I made for him, why should the cup be spared of attention?

But in any case, I've given the cup to him, and it is his very own choice of what to do with it. He can smash it to pieces and I won't know.

I've unknowingly placed so much pressure on him since our break-up. I was selfish to everybody. My folks were tired of telling me to eat more, fed up with reminding me to eat my medicine, my friends were almost immune to hearing me cry and wail over the line, and 2 of them couldn't take it anymore and told me to brace up. And so I tried. Work-in-progress.

I guess it was hell for him just as it were for me. But for a much more different reason though. I couldn't let go of him. He was overwhelmed by my drastic changes in behaviour, mood swings, gastric attacks, suicidal rantings, hallucinating images. Looking back, I could have saved both of us much heartache if I had been determined to come to terms with it.

I'm really sorry, Bing. I have no idea how I can compensate you for the severe psychological agony, but I know I can serve my sentence a little, by completely letting go and let you lead your life normally. I admit, I'm terribly afraid of losing you to her in a few months, if you reciprocate her good feelings. Now I know, I lost you long time ago, not to anyone, but to myself, and whatever that happens in the future is not my business.

In all good faith, I will leave your world. You won't have to see 35 missed calls on your phone screen and 8 unread messages. You don't have to sigh heavily and blame yourself when I meet with a mishap. My decision being one-sided, I'll always be on stand-by for your messages or calls; they mean so much to me, all of them.

Don't tell me about me being young and beautiful and there are tons of great guys out there. For no one knows how long I will get over you, over everything. And when one day I say I have, I'm lying through my teeth. And perhaps, one day, at the right time and right place, we might be together again.

It's 3.46am. I've always been sleeping around 2am - 3am during weekdays, and at much later hours during the weekends. My biological clock is wretched, is ruined. Doubt I'll get it in the pink of health even when I start working full-time after graduation. Life is always so busy.

Because I've been wallowing in misery for the past few months, I'm not too much in the mood of conjuring poetry, sorry to those who were expecting literary updates. Please pray for me to move on with life soon.

The best way of expressing my love is making customised stuff for those I hold close to my heart. Can be anything from a painstakingly hand sewed name patch to the most common hand-designed card. Of course, there must be mood and time for creativity to occur! But remember, love is forever extant!

I've been crying so much till I really felt I lost it. This sudden all too familiar feeling swept over me. 4 years ago. I will not forget. Ru, you were faithful and never left me to be alone then. Shar, you understand me well enough to comprehend my present low-point.

I visited Pocky's grave twice today. Well it's not really a grave, Daddy buried him under grass beside the playground. Each time my pet dies, I have this urge to dig it up and it'll come back to life and I can be happy again. Paranoid? No, it's because I've always found it hard to accept death. Daddy says he's with God now, but I'm barely convinced. I'm not used to seeing the empty space beside Pipo's tank that Pocky's case used to occupy. His passing was only yesterday. But the grief is still raw, and not near to fading away.

Mummy knew Pocky left the world first, she told Daddy. And none of them conveyed the news to me! It was only after I was dressed-up and ready to go to school then I discovered his lifeless body in the middle of the cage.

I was angry with my parents. They said they knew I'd been keeping late nights and did not want to disturb my slumber. That is NO excuse! He's my pet, I'm his owner! 3 years ago, I had a strong sixth sense Smartie was going to leave me. I took a nap on the floor beside his cage, with my head right in front of where I could see him. After a while I got up and went to my room to rest. When I returned to his cage, Smartie was in a deep sleep. A sleep no mortal could disrupt. I moaned and wailed like a freak, shaking the cage frantically, but I was comforted to know at least I was with him for the past few hours. He must have known, so he left in peace.

If only the same could happen for Pocky. I wished I had stayed up the whole night to be with him before he departed from home.

I love my animals a lot, and I'm aware some humans cannot accept such affection, especially to small pets like hamsters. This is me, this is how God wanted me to be like, and I'm happy I can give these creatures the best time of their lives, with luxury cages, flown-in food, treats, bathing powder, colourful food bowls, exercise wheels, and most importantly, love. Special love.

Feeling sad again in the night, I decided to draw a picture of a Japanese couple. I intended to make it into a card and give it to him, but after seeing how pretty the overall drawing was, I changed my mind for a second. Then again, for what? In the process of drawing the entire picture, I was focused solely on making the picture look as great as possible, the facial features, clothing, hair, hands, feets, colour scheme - not for display in my messy room, but For Him. So it is going to be his. The best will always be for him.

You know those stupid cups where couples and families print their pictures on, with some cheesy-looking frame and mushy lines. I actually made a cup for him! Yeah I know I called it stupid but after then I thought it was quite thoughtful. Unless he chucks the mug in an old drawer or in a dusty storeroom, he is going to see my face, his face, our faces, everytime he is at the study desk (I'm so mean right, it's like a silent coerce to make him remember me all the time) . The real truth: I gave the cup to him after we broke up; to me it serves as a meaningful parting gift.

I was thinking about all the stuff I made for him. I wonder if he's going to chuck them in somewhere dark and untouched because he doesn't want to be reminded of the painful past. I got a bit mad upon that idea. One item takes at least a few hours to make from scratch, and I'm positive at least 10 decent intellectual properties are in his abode! That's not my primary concern anyway. I'll feel really sad if my feelings, the intense feelings I put into every piece, have a potential for becoming unwanted thrash.

I want to thank a few people, for being there for me. Even in the midst of sleep, they are always there to listen to a tear fall.

Him: Even though it can be difficult to tell you these things, but your attention means the world to me. I'm sorry I made you so frustrated by crying almost every time we spoke, if I were you I would slap her. I don't want to stop you from moving on and finding your happiness, the joy you should have deserved without me. If you're happy, that's all that matters.

Per: You're the best, I couldn't say anything better - you know what I mean. Never, never, ever reproach yourself for not being there for me. Because you always were. Right in my heart. I love you.

Bern: You always welcomed my calls. But that's because we always have to call you! *snort* You always asked, always wanted to know more so you could shower your concern. I know all these, honey. I love you too.

Xiu: You always found time to listen to me, anxious to seek help for me. I know you would cry knowing how upset I was. Thank you girl.

Ru: Darling, I know you didn't want to ask so much because you didn't want me to be upset in school. But I know you're reading my entries and quietly caring. You're precious to me.

Alexa: You never fail to make me cry. And wake my f***ing idea up as well. Always reassuring this big baby. Thanks so much for being my buddy, my brown cow. Heartfelt.

Chun Wee: The shocking cracking voice at 3am is not going to be heard in your cell again! Thanks for all the times you listened.

Roy: I know you wanted to scream and ask me to snap out of it, but you didn't want to upset me further. It seems that I always meet you with a glum face, that's gonna change soon.

I took an hour to write this entry. This must be one of my longest entry in months! Signing off.

Pocky left me. Left the world. Left Pipo. Left his home of yellow wheel glitter plastic sunflower seeds small fish corn bite soy seeds. Left my mummy and dadddy. I was afraid to face his death. I knew it was coming, but I didn't expect it to be so soon. The good Lord has let Pocky stay by my side for so long, I shouldn't complain. So long till I believe it's way past his actual life span. But I cannot be so selfish to prolong his suffering. I really hope he understood when I told him God loves him. Because of God's love, such a lovely creature has been finally spared of his pain and exits to another heaven where his afterlife belongs to.

As I clean him and stroke his frail body for the last time, I attempt to force myself to believe he's still not too far from me and my world. The good eye left looks into his mistress with compassion and gratitude. Now I return my precious baby, along with his favourite sunflower seeds and milk biscuits, to the good earth. For God will welcome him with great love and continue what was once my duty of love.

I'll really miss Pocky. I've always favoured him over Pipo, giving him much more attention. God has chose to take him away. Pipo is adorable, but none can compare to her brother. Since it is God's will, Pipo shall now be a solace to me, and I will take good care of her.

Pocky, please don't forget me. Because you'll always be in my heart.

Little nicole's in hospital. I'm really, really sad. Why does God want to do this to her? She's only 4! She doesn't need so much pain. I will do my best to be there for Kass.

I really miss you. An endless struggle with the change in status quo. Sorry but I cannot bring myself to face you without tears brimming spontaneously. So many memories re-play every second, every minute, every hour, every sunrise, every sunset, every slumber, every awakening.

I walk a lonely road back home now. Going home is a gradual pain. Because you crossing the road, passing through the carpark roads, taking the lift and walking down the stairs with me, has become history. I can no longer play my child-like hide and seek game with you; now you only walk away without turning back at all. I can wait and see from my floor, and hope in darkness you will walk from the lift landing and wave good-bye to me. Good-bye comes so true.

You always did your little clap when I did something nice for you, or even when you felt I was cute or pretty. I have never seen that clap in a while; I must have lacked amusement for quite some time already.

Carrying my bag and stuff appeared to be your hobby even before offical Day 1. I enjoyed shopping without carrying so much things so I could browse through articles with ease. Now, even with bare hands and shoulders the burden's bending my back. I am a self-confessed outrageous spoilt brat. I won't budge my ass once I sit down at a food court or restaurant, except for moving my mouth to tell someone what I want. No more being like a princess, for the prince has long rode on.

When I'm sleeping, you would always watch me silently, making sure I'm sleeping comfortably and soundly. And even in retirement I could sense your presence in intervals, that's how close we once were.

Watching scary movies freak the hell outta me. But because you were there for me to bury my face for a few seconds and cover my eyes in an emergency, my fear plunged to a new low.

I'm an infamous water-fall in your love, and your hugs were the best medicine for my wounds. You put your hand over my head and shoulders to let me know everything's going to be alright, you would always be there for me.

Too many times my tears fell heavy and hard, so I became immune to the old medicine. It's a new virus that's hurting me real bad, and no one has found a cure yet.

Like a mist in the dark sky, you appear and disappear, so fast. Sometimes above the lake I can see you, but before I can take enough time to etch the memories deep in my heart, you disappear again, this time, with another breeze.

I love you, but separation does not come with strings, and I don't want to tangle you no more.