i am missing my baby
Thursday, September 25, 2008
my sister has taken to excessive blogging lately, so i am trying to keep pace with her such that she won't be bored of seeing my old entries. i love your cheesecake; it's awesome! make a creamy strawberry shortcake for me next time.
each time i enter the house and close the door, i have the tendency to switch on the 2nd light of the living room, hurriedly put my bag and laptop in my room, then call Sunshine really really loudly, like "Heloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Sunshine! Utu mam mam boy! I missed you!"
usually he is sleeping and he would awaken at my noise, looking up at me with a confused expression and squinted eyes.
his running wheel was faulty; the previous exact 2 wheels i got for my hammies would spoil easily too so i gave up on buying new ones as this brand was the most expensive one on the shelf. my daily task was to unscrew his running wheel so that he could run properly. feels weird not doing it everyday.
at times i turned the wheel too fast and he couldn't keep up with my speed and tripped over. at times the wheel got stuck and he would be shocked as to why he suddenly couldn't run anymore. i never got tired of times like this.
whenever i got bored of schoolwork and wanted a tiny break, my first step was to visit Sunshine (and disturb his naps). now i can do that no more.
i saw mum chopping cabbages the other day. usually i would ask her if she had given some to Sunshine (often the answer is a yes she is quicker than me).
i enjoyed telling my parents about the adorable and comical things that Sunshine did, like him curling up in a soft white ball in one corner, grooming himself on the wheel and climbing to the top of the cage, desperately holding on with one paw before giving up.
now i don't speak much to my parents anymore. there is some emptiness in my heart and my home i need to manage.
in place of his cage is a white ikea stool.
so lifeless, so dull, so sad.
for those who wonder why we loved Sunshine so much, for those missing him badly, for those who hasn't experienced the joy of owning a pet.
At 2 weeks old.
At 4 months old.
i'll never find another hammie as lovely as Sunshine. everyday i look at his favourite pink wheel on my desk and i feel like crying.
each time i enter the house and close the door, i have the tendency to switch on the 2nd light of the living room, hurriedly put my bag and laptop in my room, then call Sunshine really really loudly, like "Heloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Sunshine! Utu mam mam boy! I missed you!"
usually he is sleeping and he would awaken at my noise, looking up at me with a confused expression and squinted eyes.
his running wheel was faulty; the previous exact 2 wheels i got for my hammies would spoil easily too so i gave up on buying new ones as this brand was the most expensive one on the shelf. my daily task was to unscrew his running wheel so that he could run properly. feels weird not doing it everyday.
at times i turned the wheel too fast and he couldn't keep up with my speed and tripped over. at times the wheel got stuck and he would be shocked as to why he suddenly couldn't run anymore. i never got tired of times like this.
whenever i got bored of schoolwork and wanted a tiny break, my first step was to visit Sunshine (and disturb his naps). now i can do that no more.
i saw mum chopping cabbages the other day. usually i would ask her if she had given some to Sunshine (often the answer is a yes she is quicker than me).
i enjoyed telling my parents about the adorable and comical things that Sunshine did, like him curling up in a soft white ball in one corner, grooming himself on the wheel and climbing to the top of the cage, desperately holding on with one paw before giving up.
now i don't speak much to my parents anymore. there is some emptiness in my heart and my home i need to manage.
in place of his cage is a white ikea stool.
so lifeless, so dull, so sad.
for those who wonder why we loved Sunshine so much, for those missing him badly, for those who hasn't experienced the joy of owning a pet.
At 2 weeks old.
At 4 months old.
i'll never find another hammie as lovely as Sunshine. everyday i look at his favourite pink wheel on my desk and i feel like crying.
an evening with mr foxfoo
Since a long time I haven't spoke to Rong. But every time Rong forces me to take pictures. And I'm too lazy to dish out my 7.2mg camera, so we used his 3.2mg camera. The trade off is that I won't have to take a long time to do collages cos the files are much smaller.
Never knew the bugis fountain square had its photogenic angles.
He insisted on copying my "1, 2, 3, ..., 10" shots. I taught him a few of my house styles.
I wanna see your lovely drawings on those children's books! And will you draw a cute caricature of me with Sunshine one day?
Thanks sweets for buying the Logitec mouse for me!
Till the next time, don't stop being positive about life. God will occasionally send wonders to remind you dear.
Never knew the bugis fountain square had its photogenic angles.
He insisted on copying my "1, 2, 3, ..., 10" shots. I taught him a few of my house styles.
I wanna see your lovely drawings on those children's books! And will you draw a cute caricature of me with Sunshine one day?
Thanks sweets for buying the Logitec mouse for me!
Till the next time, don't stop being positive about life. God will occasionally send wonders to remind you dear.
forget-me-not
In case you forget how I look like.
I not only have fat arms but a fat face. DAMN.
I find that smiling can be boring.
you are my sunshine
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sunshine didn't wait for me. Didn't wait for me to coax him to sleep. He gracefully went into the loving arms of the Lord, and the Lord took him with much kindness.
He lay in his favourite spot, right behind the exercise wheel. Eyes closed, his tiny paws slightly tensed.
I saw him sleeping soundly, so I didn't switch on the lights or it might wake him up.
An hour later, I did my usual thing, sit down in front of the cage to observe the little fella. He was still sleeping, in the same position. He shifts his sleeping positions very frequently, so I was puzzled.
I moved the cage. He didn't move. I tapped on the cage. He didn't move. I shook the cage. He didn't move. It hit me in the head. I wailed out loud. Bellowed and bawled continuously. 1.40am.
He must have left me an hour and a half ago. His body wasn't very cold. But stiff enough to push the cruel news in my wet eyes.
Why didn't he wait for me? Why didn't he wait for me to say my last farewell? What am I going to do now? How do I tell my sister?
My dad ran from his sofa and cuddled me in his arms. I tried to break away, trying to fully acknowledge my grief, till my head tilted backwards and my father nearly fell together with me. I don't quite remember what he said to me.
Mama came out of her room, staring at the both of us. She didn't step forward to look into the cage immediately. She already knew. Daddy looked at her and said those awful words. Mama said his time was up.
She told me to stop crying, with a hint of strictness yet sympathy. I didn't obey. I couldn't see anything through my brimming eye sockets. After a while I used the back of my hands to vigorously rub away the water from my eyes, but still, I couldn't see Sunshine clearly. I couldn't see if he was sleeping or, dead.
I covered my face wailing louder. I stood up and entered my bedroom. I sat on my bed, wondering what to do next. The crying had been reduced to subdued weeping, before turning predictably into loud sobs.
I reached for the phone and dialed Adele's number with trembling fingers. It was bedtime for her but she answered the call as if she expected it. My whimpering episodes started again. My lips couldn't bring themselves to form the words. Her anxiety was overflowing to my line. I said, "Sunshine....sunshine...he left us...he left the family...he didn't wait for me...he didn't....".
While waiting for Adele to drive over, I sat down in front of the cage and braced myself. And picked Sunshine's lifeless body up. I told him to wake up. He didn't budge. I stroked his fur gently, pulling all the sawdust that had stuck to his thin body. Now I had to prepare for his burial.
As I looked upon Sunshine, I thought of the time he was first brought into the house.
**********************************************
Adele (holding a Pet Safari paper box): I brought you your birthday present!
Athena: Er....Jie, I don't think I can take up this responsibility. I'm really busy with school and I won't have time to take care of it.
Adele: Of course you can! He is really adorable, you will love him, Athena. I thought of a name for him. His name is Sunshine.
Athena: Jie, I'm really not sure.....
She opened the box slowly, and the white furry infant, sitting down, turned his head around fearfully and looked up at us.
Athena: Oh my god...he is...he is...beautiful...like Snowy...
Adele: I spent a lot of time observing him before I got him. He didn't play with the rest of the hamsters, he sat in one corner and groomed himself. He's really gentle and hand-friendly.
My parents came over to look at the baby. They were amazed. But they also said I couldn't keep it. Sunshine was still looking at us.
Athena: Jie, I can't do it.
Adele: If you don't want it, I can return it to the pet shop (her eyes started to swell) Can't you see he needs so much love? He is so small and timid. Will you reconsider please?
My parents were still shaking their heads.
I didn't want to reject my sister's birthday present to me; Sunshine was a representation of love and companionship for me from her. And he was beautiful, like snow. He was hand-picked by some way of God to be taken care of by our family.
Within a day, he melted my parents' hearts and won them over. I would sit in front of his cage and call his name repeatedly, so that he would know his name is Sunshine.
**********************************************
I poured the hamster powder on him, using the brush in gentle strokes, such that the grain of the fur were in one direction. My hands were quavering. Anguish filled up my heart again, my tears were all over my shirt and thighs; some of them had seeped into Sunshine. Daddy came over and looked at me, his face flushed, his eyes as damp as mine.
Adele and I packed his favourite food of tiny fish, corn, soya beans and sunflower seeds.
2.10am. Daddy searched for his tiny spade. Adele held Sunshine in her palms. We went to the grass patches to bury Sunshine. I counted the 12th concrete tile. Sunshine was given to me on my birthday.
Daddy wiped his tears with his shirt after laying Sunshine in the soil. It was our final goodbye to this little bundle of joy who spread so much love in the household.
I went home, and lay beside Mama in her bed. She asked me what was wrong (stating the obvious). I said, "No more sunshine." She didn't respond and I left my room.
Half an hour later, Mama was awake and reading in her room. Her eyes were red and her face had gone pale.
I went to sleep, the tears soaking up my pillow.
I thought he would survive the crucial 3 days. The doctor wasn't even sure if he would make it back home on Thursday.
My sister said, "Meimei, I know you are tasking with something very challenging. Picking frail little Sunshine and feeding him with so much medicine is not easy. Sunshine brought us losta joy and laughter, now it is time to repay him this little favour and ease his pain to make his last days easier. But if you put in your best efforts to nurse him during this period, don't be surprised that he might miraculously get well again. Our past hamsters all outlived the vet's expectations! If he can get through the next 3 days, his chances of survival doubles."
This message brought me so much hope, and I was motivated to help Sunshine recover. When I fed him medicine the first time, I had to coax him for 20 minutes. A few times I had to force it into his mouth. He was very stressed, he ran away from my hand, and his heartbeat was erratic. He would run for a while, before collapsing and laying down on that same spot to rest. He didn't even have energy to crawl to his usual sleeping area. When he slept, his eyes were big, wide open. He took quite some time to fall asleep. My heart ached so bad at the torment he was suffering. The pain was in his teary eyes, it was in every step he took, it was in every heartbeat.
The next day he got so much better and could climb into his food bowl to eat. He would come to my pump syringe for medicine and I was so happy! I was sure he had a chance of surviving the weekend! Still, his inability to fall asleep quickly was worrying, and he always had this resigned expression. Even when I stroked him to sleep, his eyes wouldn't move.
No more medicine from those horrible syringes. My baby is in heaven, free of pain and sadness. I neglected him because of school, but I gave my best shot during his last few days. Thank you God for giving Sunshine some time, and giving me the last chance to show my love for him.
You gave me the best years of your life.
You kept Daddy awake in the mornings with your exercise regime.
You snatched carrot sticks and cabbage leaves from Mummy.
You banged the water bottle on the cage grills when it was empty, to alert us.
You climbed up the cage, sniffing attentively when I had my afternoon chats with you.
You peed in your food bowl as a baby and I would scold you.
You threw tantrums when I rearranged your bedding in the corners.
You jumped into the food bowl and ate for a good 10 minutes when Daddy replenished in the mornings.
You fainted for a while when Adele put the durian seed near your nose.
You always expect us to hand feed you when we opened the cage.
You climbed up so high till you couldn't take your weight and plunged into the bedding (many many times).
You tried to escape whenever we opened the cage.
You loved munching on apples and grapes.
You bit my palm so hard that I didn't ever want to carry you again.
You were so brave and crawled on Adele's arm without falling.
You were afraid of the dark when you were 2 months old and squeaked for a few days in your new home.
You loved your pink wheel so much you would sleep, shit, groom yourself in it.
You flashed your "Do Not Disturb" sign when you hid under the wheel.
You shared a bit of my bread with me.
You ignored me when I annoyed you while you were grooming.
You hated me brushing power on your body.
You made us love you so much, and now we're hurting from all that missing.
When the sun shines upon the green fields, I know you will keep my heart warm with your eternal love.
balding Athena
Friday, September 19, 2008
In light of my horrifically thinning hair, my sister brought me to the dermatologist. Everyone thinks my hair is long so it's doing okay, but my height prevents you all from seeing the devil hopping from one area to another on my scalp.
I've been whining to everyone! Only a few people really scrutinize my scalp and agree with me. And my family thinks I'm just being vain.
I waited from 10.30am to 1.20pm to see the doctor. I was swearing my mouth off. And there was this anal old lady at the counter (supposedly the doctor's wife) who insisted my sister couldn't sit beside me because she wasn't the patient. She said it so loud in the small clinic. And she has this retarded requirement that all patients must sit EXACTLY in their queue numbers in the L-shaped sofa. FUCK YOU cos I don't pay over a hundred bucks to be shouted at by a senior citizen in glasses trying to control where I sit. She is so fucking mean I tell you she told an old man off (loudly) just because he didn't hear the bell ring which indicates he can enter the doctor's room.
The doctor diagnosed my condition as "male pattern baldness", this condition does occur in women but it is very, very rare.
The best news? THERE IS NO CURE FOR IT.
Doctor says I can take some medicine to minimize hair loss. If the treatment doesn't work after 6 months, he will not treat me anymore.
I felt like crying. It's like having a permanent big zit on your nose.
The bill came to $183.00 (stupid money grubber old women). My sister's jaw dropped and the more I felt like crying cos it was not like the treatment would definitely work for me. Thank you jie jie for everything you've done for me.
So here is the $118 worth of medicine ($65 for consultation).
Includes a shampoo, a minoxidil hair spray and spirondactone tablets.
I found some photos of myself when I was 17. I'm so shocked. I had pink hair.
Scares me a little. What do you think?
I've been whining to everyone! Only a few people really scrutinize my scalp and agree with me. And my family thinks I'm just being vain.
I waited from 10.30am to 1.20pm to see the doctor. I was swearing my mouth off. And there was this anal old lady at the counter (supposedly the doctor's wife) who insisted my sister couldn't sit beside me because she wasn't the patient. She said it so loud in the small clinic. And she has this retarded requirement that all patients must sit EXACTLY in their queue numbers in the L-shaped sofa. FUCK YOU cos I don't pay over a hundred bucks to be shouted at by a senior citizen in glasses trying to control where I sit. She is so fucking mean I tell you she told an old man off (loudly) just because he didn't hear the bell ring which indicates he can enter the doctor's room.
The doctor diagnosed my condition as "male pattern baldness", this condition does occur in women but it is very, very rare.
The best news? THERE IS NO CURE FOR IT.
Doctor says I can take some medicine to minimize hair loss. If the treatment doesn't work after 6 months, he will not treat me anymore.
I felt like crying. It's like having a permanent big zit on your nose.
The bill came to $183.00 (stupid money grubber old women). My sister's jaw dropped and the more I felt like crying cos it was not like the treatment would definitely work for me. Thank you jie jie for everything you've done for me.
So here is the $118 worth of medicine ($65 for consultation).
Includes a shampoo, a minoxidil hair spray and spirondactone tablets.
I found some photos of myself when I was 17. I'm so shocked. I had pink hair.
Scares me a little. What do you think?
old school cinema
This is how we make film FUN!
Shimona is "now showing".
Our film booth on VIVACE! Seems like we're magicians selling pirated DVDs and tidbits man.
Our proud creations of popcorn and mars chocolate bar. Now you regret not visiting my booth to look at them.
We also got ZOcards to come in!
Jan and I with glitter top-hats (and the glitter spilling on all over my face)!
Pretty Shimona and Cheeky Athena.
Shim is acting cool once again without me noticing!
And my lovely Edwina!
So chaotic, so busy.
But at the end of the day it's all worth it because I had so much fun!
my sailormoon story
Some of my peeps know about my famous Sailormoon little pink bag. They laugh at me when I carry this out because it is so kiddish. Story is that when I was in primary 4 and crazy over Sailormoon, Daddy bought this bag for me at Seiyu Bugis for $29.90. I had been eyeing the bag during my previous two trips to the departmental store before I pestered my Dad to make a special trip downtown.
I loved my new bag because it made me feel so girlie (pink, with all the baby Sailormoon characters), I brought it along when I went visiting during Chinese New Year, and used it for Sunday school to put my bible & stationery for about 6 months or so (before changing for a new bag).
As a kid I forget the old things when new toys come along. The bag was chucked somewhere in my room until I did my springcleaning early this year and found it as good as brand new. I don't know what I was thinking when I was 10, but I definitely won't pay $29.90 for such a small bag today! Not one with sailormoon prints! Even if it's made in Japan!
I guess my value of money has changed tremendously despite my earning power as an adult. I want to make good value out of this freaking expensive bag so I'm using it whenever I go out to the nearby coffeeshops and shopping centres in the East.
I also realized, for a kiddy bag like this, the designers had incorporated a safety feature. Robbers and kidnappers can't easily dig into my bag and steal my Barbie wallet and Polly Pocket pencil case! There is a drawstring cover at the top of the bag! AWESOME!
I made Ee Chow carry my bag on his shoulder because it looks so ridiculous! My relatives also teased me about being a little kid. Hrummph. It is cute mah.
One night I met Shar for supper and she said she knew I would bring my sailormoon bag along (fyi i brought it to orchard for shopping once okay)! And for some reason she bought me a brown polka-dot bag from Bangkok. I think I'm the polka-dot girl in her eyes because she bought a polka-dot bag for my birthday before.
And I'm also the girl adoring black tights in her eyes.
Thank you Shar for the new bag (does not diminish my attachment to my Sailormoon bag) and new tights!
I loved my new bag because it made me feel so girlie (pink, with all the baby Sailormoon characters), I brought it along when I went visiting during Chinese New Year, and used it for Sunday school to put my bible & stationery for about 6 months or so (before changing for a new bag).
As a kid I forget the old things when new toys come along. The bag was chucked somewhere in my room until I did my springcleaning early this year and found it as good as brand new. I don't know what I was thinking when I was 10, but I definitely won't pay $29.90 for such a small bag today! Not one with sailormoon prints! Even if it's made in Japan!
I guess my value of money has changed tremendously despite my earning power as an adult. I want to make good value out of this freaking expensive bag so I'm using it whenever I go out to the nearby coffeeshops and shopping centres in the East.
I also realized, for a kiddy bag like this, the designers had incorporated a safety feature. Robbers and kidnappers can't easily dig into my bag and steal my Barbie wallet and Polly Pocket pencil case! There is a drawstring cover at the top of the bag! AWESOME!
I made Ee Chow carry my bag on his shoulder because it looks so ridiculous! My relatives also teased me about being a little kid. Hrummph. It is cute mah.
One night I met Shar for supper and she said she knew I would bring my sailormoon bag along (fyi i brought it to orchard for shopping once okay)! And for some reason she bought me a brown polka-dot bag from Bangkok. I think I'm the polka-dot girl in her eyes because she bought a polka-dot bag for my birthday before.
And I'm also the girl adoring black tights in her eyes.
Thank you Shar for the new bag (does not diminish my attachment to my Sailormoon bag) and new tights!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Sunshine is very ill. He may leave us anytime, as early as 3 days. He can't even climb inside his food bowl to eat. I had to feed him manually because he can't move very well. He can't even sleep properly. He sleeps lope-sided with eyes wide open in pain.
It happened so fast. Three days ago he was still fat, furry and cute, constantly stuffing his face with sunflower seeds. Now his greediness is torturing him and his system is all mangled up.
My vision blurred when I see how he wriggled his thin body towards my fingers holding his food. I failed as a responsible owner. I was so busy with school that I didn't notice his health was failing. If I had done something earlier, perhaps I could save him a little bit of pain.
I couldn't even accompany him to the vet. We nearly lost his heartbeat at the clinic and the doctor had to pump oxygen in the poor little creature.
My sister returned home with 3 types of medicine. For one, frail hamster. He had to be fed at least 6 times a day. If he survives these three days on a slim 20% chance, he'll be alright.
What if he doesn't? I need him.
The other one has already left my world. Now another beloved is struggling with life. I am truly alone, forever.
It happened so fast. Three days ago he was still fat, furry and cute, constantly stuffing his face with sunflower seeds. Now his greediness is torturing him and his system is all mangled up.
My vision blurred when I see how he wriggled his thin body towards my fingers holding his food. I failed as a responsible owner. I was so busy with school that I didn't notice his health was failing. If I had done something earlier, perhaps I could save him a little bit of pain.
I couldn't even accompany him to the vet. We nearly lost his heartbeat at the clinic and the doctor had to pump oxygen in the poor little creature.
My sister returned home with 3 types of medicine. For one, frail hamster. He had to be fed at least 6 times a day. If he survives these three days on a slim 20% chance, he'll be alright.
What if he doesn't? I need him.
The other one has already left my world. Now another beloved is struggling with life. I am truly alone, forever.
school and all blues
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
This night, I won't forget. The towel was thrown in, and all the nasty exchange of adjectives and nouns were in a tornado spinning on four sides of the boxing ring. No one won. He walked away broken, angry, and his fatigue mixed up with heartache. His forehead was bleeding, and his purple knuckles weakly aided him to jump off the ring, never to compete in a match again.
I slumped against the ropes, lips cut and blood slowly flowing down to my neck. I was in this huge concussion, like the fragile scalp of my head fiercely ramped into a long, metal clothes hanger jutting out of nowhere. I visually go through this episode of pain when I feel that little bump on my skull while running through my thin hair. I had been wholly responsible for holding this match, and I also knew the outcome. Staged, predictable, but good for both of the opponents.
No counts of 1, 2 or 3. But a mutual decision to put this match behind us and walk on. Even if attempts to feign happiness prove to be futile, there is no other way and life has dealt its cards. When the huge bell sounds, it is my cue to get out of the grey cloud zone and walk into sunshine. Not without a black winter coat though.
They share similar characteristics. One of which is to hurt people badly like nobody's business, feel guilty when they found their next half, regret their doings and then attempt to make up for the hurt in a lousy fashion. But you know what, this stings even more because you are raking up the angry past I have so forcefully buried deep under. Why did you even do what you did in the first place? Why?
Maybe one day I will be able to smile at you, and enjoy the aromatic smells of your favourite mocha. Maybe one day, when we have both truly appreciated the meaning of love and life.