Once again, I'm up in the early morning (time check: 2.41am) when I have lessons in the later part of the day. Insomnia has been an unofficial organ in my body for several years coming. Hits real bad when a loved one passes away, or when a loved one leaves my way of life.

I wonder why I never got tired from dialling those 8 digits on my home phone. Not once did I use the redial button. Even if the ringing sounded impatient itself, I still wanted to hear them. And when he did answer the call, I had to hear 3 'hellos' before I could register someone had finally pressed the green button on his cell.

The cup I made for him - I know where is it now. Right in the paper box the shop put the cup in. And the paper box is in the green plastic bag the shop put the box in. And the green plastic bag is settled untidily on his desk. When I saw that, a blade sliced right through the middle of my heart. If a cup was that insignificant to him, what was I now? What am I now? What will I be in the future? Argument: He doesn't have to display the cup. Rebuttal: It's not a folded letter in an envelope which can be kept in a dusty drawer. If he can display our photo in a photo frame I made for him, why should the cup be spared of attention?

But in any case, I've given the cup to him, and it is his very own choice of what to do with it. He can smash it to pieces and I won't know.

I've unknowingly placed so much pressure on him since our break-up. I was selfish to everybody. My folks were tired of telling me to eat more, fed up with reminding me to eat my medicine, my friends were almost immune to hearing me cry and wail over the line, and 2 of them couldn't take it anymore and told me to brace up. And so I tried. Work-in-progress.

I guess it was hell for him just as it were for me. But for a much more different reason though. I couldn't let go of him. He was overwhelmed by my drastic changes in behaviour, mood swings, gastric attacks, suicidal rantings, hallucinating images. Looking back, I could have saved both of us much heartache if I had been determined to come to terms with it.

I'm really sorry, Bing. I have no idea how I can compensate you for the severe psychological agony, but I know I can serve my sentence a little, by completely letting go and let you lead your life normally. I admit, I'm terribly afraid of losing you to her in a few months, if you reciprocate her good feelings. Now I know, I lost you long time ago, not to anyone, but to myself, and whatever that happens in the future is not my business.

In all good faith, I will leave your world. You won't have to see 35 missed calls on your phone screen and 8 unread messages. You don't have to sigh heavily and blame yourself when I meet with a mishap. My decision being one-sided, I'll always be on stand-by for your messages or calls; they mean so much to me, all of them.

Don't tell me about me being young and beautiful and there are tons of great guys out there. For no one knows how long I will get over you, over everything. And when one day I say I have, I'm lying through my teeth. And perhaps, one day, at the right time and right place, we might be together again.