It's 3.46am. I've always been sleeping around 2am - 3am during weekdays, and at much later hours during the weekends. My biological clock is wretched, is ruined. Doubt I'll get it in the pink of health even when I start working full-time after graduation. Life is always so busy.

Because I've been wallowing in misery for the past few months, I'm not too much in the mood of conjuring poetry, sorry to those who were expecting literary updates. Please pray for me to move on with life soon.

The best way of expressing my love is making customised stuff for those I hold close to my heart. Can be anything from a painstakingly hand sewed name patch to the most common hand-designed card. Of course, there must be mood and time for creativity to occur! But remember, love is forever extant!

I've been crying so much till I really felt I lost it. This sudden all too familiar feeling swept over me. 4 years ago. I will not forget. Ru, you were faithful and never left me to be alone then. Shar, you understand me well enough to comprehend my present low-point.

I visited Pocky's grave twice today. Well it's not really a grave, Daddy buried him under grass beside the playground. Each time my pet dies, I have this urge to dig it up and it'll come back to life and I can be happy again. Paranoid? No, it's because I've always found it hard to accept death. Daddy says he's with God now, but I'm barely convinced. I'm not used to seeing the empty space beside Pipo's tank that Pocky's case used to occupy. His passing was only yesterday. But the grief is still raw, and not near to fading away.

Mummy knew Pocky left the world first, she told Daddy. And none of them conveyed the news to me! It was only after I was dressed-up and ready to go to school then I discovered his lifeless body in the middle of the cage.

I was angry with my parents. They said they knew I'd been keeping late nights and did not want to disturb my slumber. That is NO excuse! He's my pet, I'm his owner! 3 years ago, I had a strong sixth sense Smartie was going to leave me. I took a nap on the floor beside his cage, with my head right in front of where I could see him. After a while I got up and went to my room to rest. When I returned to his cage, Smartie was in a deep sleep. A sleep no mortal could disrupt. I moaned and wailed like a freak, shaking the cage frantically, but I was comforted to know at least I was with him for the past few hours. He must have known, so he left in peace.

If only the same could happen for Pocky. I wished I had stayed up the whole night to be with him before he departed from home.

I love my animals a lot, and I'm aware some humans cannot accept such affection, especially to small pets like hamsters. This is me, this is how God wanted me to be like, and I'm happy I can give these creatures the best time of their lives, with luxury cages, flown-in food, treats, bathing powder, colourful food bowls, exercise wheels, and most importantly, love. Special love.

Feeling sad again in the night, I decided to draw a picture of a Japanese couple. I intended to make it into a card and give it to him, but after seeing how pretty the overall drawing was, I changed my mind for a second. Then again, for what? In the process of drawing the entire picture, I was focused solely on making the picture look as great as possible, the facial features, clothing, hair, hands, feets, colour scheme - not for display in my messy room, but For Him. So it is going to be his. The best will always be for him.

You know those stupid cups where couples and families print their pictures on, with some cheesy-looking frame and mushy lines. I actually made a cup for him! Yeah I know I called it stupid but after then I thought it was quite thoughtful. Unless he chucks the mug in an old drawer or in a dusty storeroom, he is going to see my face, his face, our faces, everytime he is at the study desk (I'm so mean right, it's like a silent coerce to make him remember me all the time) . The real truth: I gave the cup to him after we broke up; to me it serves as a meaningful parting gift.

I was thinking about all the stuff I made for him. I wonder if he's going to chuck them in somewhere dark and untouched because he doesn't want to be reminded of the painful past. I got a bit mad upon that idea. One item takes at least a few hours to make from scratch, and I'm positive at least 10 decent intellectual properties are in his abode! That's not my primary concern anyway. I'll feel really sad if my feelings, the intense feelings I put into every piece, have a potential for becoming unwanted thrash.

I want to thank a few people, for being there for me. Even in the midst of sleep, they are always there to listen to a tear fall.

Him: Even though it can be difficult to tell you these things, but your attention means the world to me. I'm sorry I made you so frustrated by crying almost every time we spoke, if I were you I would slap her. I don't want to stop you from moving on and finding your happiness, the joy you should have deserved without me. If you're happy, that's all that matters.

Per: You're the best, I couldn't say anything better - you know what I mean. Never, never, ever reproach yourself for not being there for me. Because you always were. Right in my heart. I love you.

Bern: You always welcomed my calls. But that's because we always have to call you! *snort* You always asked, always wanted to know more so you could shower your concern. I know all these, honey. I love you too.

Xiu: You always found time to listen to me, anxious to seek help for me. I know you would cry knowing how upset I was. Thank you girl.

Ru: Darling, I know you didn't want to ask so much because you didn't want me to be upset in school. But I know you're reading my entries and quietly caring. You're precious to me.

Alexa: You never fail to make me cry. And wake my f***ing idea up as well. Always reassuring this big baby. Thanks so much for being my buddy, my brown cow. Heartfelt.

Chun Wee: The shocking cracking voice at 3am is not going to be heard in your cell again! Thanks for all the times you listened.

Roy: I know you wanted to scream and ask me to snap out of it, but you didn't want to upset me further. It seems that I always meet you with a glum face, that's gonna change soon.

I took an hour to write this entry. This must be one of my longest entry in months! Signing off.