I'm utterly defeated. These days, I keep experiencing surge of emotions, emotions I never felt so much, so intense, so harsh, so cruel before. I'm confused listening to what everyone is saying, I don't know what kind of a stand to take for myself, the boundaries between what is good and what makes me happy have remained blurred for too long.

This morning, at 6am, I woke Daddy from his sleep and hugged him tight for half-an-hour, sobbing away uncontrollably. I never cried like that for a long time. It must be a really big blow to me. No matter how comforting Daddy's arms were around me, hope was still not within reach. I tried to sleep, but the tears wouldn't stop, the memories wouldn't go away, the stinging words resounded in my ears.

I looked in the mirror. My hair was a shock of black and brown, my face was deathy pale, my lips were dry and chapped, and worse, my eyes - they were almost half-shut because of the non-stop crying. If he saw me like that, the more he wouldn't want me. Mummy grabbed my shoulders before I nearly fell to the floor, and told me to brace myself. This the first time Mummy held me so close and I saw the sadness in her tired eyes. How did she fight her own battle even up to today?

Now I really beaten my previous record. Two and a half hours of sleep the entire day. I forced myself to go to school for my BGS meeting. My eyes were as good as red puffy lines; I couldn't see my way around clearly. It was terrible. But it doesn't matter that much, because there are always tears in my eyes, and the world would still be a swirling blur to me.

My birthday. On my birthday last year, he accidentally kicked my big toe nail out of my toe. Even with a bleeding dislodged toe nail, I was too happy to celebrate my birthday to see a doctor. He cleansed the wound gently, held me firmly when I dragged my injured foot to walk, rubbed away the tears on my face. We even danced in the pretty garden; he twirled me round and round, my long white skirt spun melodiously, and I smiled for the longest in times. Half a year later, my nail completely grew back. I was still happy to be with him, I made him promised not to leave me ever until my toe nail grew back, and we were happy people.

But this year, this birthday, is one without his presence. Suddenly, the pain of a dislodged toe nail is not of comparable standards to the aching in my head and heart. For my desired birthday present had turned into an ultimate nightmare where death was inviting.

Earlier March this year, my friends accidently broken my finger nail. It was the next excruciating pain in my entire life, after my dislodge toe nail. He rushed down, ripped the broken nail from the remaining nail bed, cleansed the continuous flowing blood, while drying my hot tears. I was screaming away frantically; the swollen bleeding nail bed hurt so badly with each touch of the cotton pad. While still holding the stained cotton pads, tissue paper and water bottle, he still took intervals to hug me and assure me the pain would pass.

He would always be there for me, especially when I was in physical pain. He was the best doctor, even if the doctor gave the patient the wrong medicine and made the patient feel worse. A hug, a smile, would do everything.

As I tried to be braver with each sunrise and sunset, I only buried my hurt in my schoolwork. Only to realise the hurt could not be suppressed for long and would still spring back in my face. I never meant to be so mean; I just didn't know how to withstand the pain and expressing my hurt would only result in more anger.

No matter what they say, I want one more chance. Just like I gave him so many chances in the past; I need a chance to redeem myself and give a last shot at my happiness. Sorry girl, love is selfish, and you were the one who came much later into our lives. He belongs to me.

With Sunshine, I feel a little less lonelier. He's growing at a tremendous speed, very active and very naughty. I can't wait for Jie to return from Shanghai to see how well the family has taken care of this little cutie. But sometimes, I look at Sunshine with tears too, because I hate for him to see his master sad. Master is always happily calling his name.

Jie, I wish you were here, I wish you were here to see every tear fall, hear every grieving cry, feel the shattered pieces of my dream and fix a heart broken too many times. For the same blood and system of thought runs in you as well, you're the closest form of solace for the younger, vulnerable sibling. The younger one is too tired, far too drained.