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Saturday, April 05, 2008
Incredulous. Can't believe I am actually blogging right now. Look at the previous date of my post. Can't even bear to take a third, fourth look at it. So sorry to my folks who have periodically been checking my page for updates. I believe it went from a weekly affair to a mundane bi-annually thing and now a "she's abandoned it" fleeting thought. Really sorry. Got so much to say, to say why I didn't blog for more than 9 months.
Primarily, I blog because I want to let my peeps know how I'm doing, through my rantings and pixel lated collages, since I don't see them too often. Also, working in Starhub Customer Service last June to August really killed me, with fucking male-biased managers and customers (heartlanders, business executives, expatriates, everyone lah). After a long day of staring at the complicated databases, filling up disconnection forms, hitting 9508756329898065646064 times on the keyboard, listening to people bitch about technology, eyes swelling up with tears from a mad customer shouting in my face (saliva in my face too), I was just too tired to talk about anything unpleasant when I got home, not even mention to switch on my favourite desktop. Those who see me in school know I hardly use my Acer lappie unless I'm in school.
But what made me really stopped blogging was because of one friend. Ironic huh. But you could easily guess why. I lost someone so dear to me. We went out everyday during the school holidays, we shared every drink and meal, we spoke on the phone everyday, the normal girl stuff. She was there to help me when I didn't feel life was worth living, she patiently heard every word and cried silently, she became a more generous person because of me, and she was everything to me. So I thought. And one day, she just disappeared from my life. Didn't want to return my sms-es or calls, and did likewise towards the rest of our friends. She didn't even want to look at me in the face when I asked if she could join a birthday celebration. She treated me like invisible in school. This went on and on until I concluded she didn't want me in her life anymore. I pondered over this for several months. Did I need her? Wasn't our friendship anything to her such that she could completely walk out of my life without blinking an eye? Wasn't what we went through adequate in her eyes to even say hi to me in school? We didn't quarrel before our last meet up. It was just so sudden. No one, no one in the group had the slightest idea as to why she was behaving that way. So a good 6 months later, someone took the initiative to ask her. She got the answers, but didn't want to share with us. Said we should all go to her individually and ask her what was wrong. FUCK. She's not some god that we have to bend our knees and bow down to get some answer about whether the next harvest will be sufficient for the village tribes. So fuck it. I'm done crying about it, I'm done thinking of her.
On a brighter note, I've moved on with life. Moved on so much I can't believe how much change had entered my life. You know, I went through so much shit, so damned hell, just to forget what that fucking jerk did and he totally pushed his luck again. Ya, he being a jerk, got dumped by his girlfriend and she finally learned that he cheated on both of us. Still went to the extent of searching and add me on facebook and friendster. Like, fuck YOU and fuck off to lick the scavenger's toilet bowl in some abandoned big drain. Okay, angst down. I got a boyfriend!
I know you're going to say, what's new. But at least after all these experiences I know what I really want, and I'm not going to suffer a stroke if the new guy says he's gay after half a year. He knows wounds don't heal easily, because he's been through losta shit as well. More than me. The best thing? He lives across the street; takes a mere 3 minutes to reach his place. The next best thing? He is the first guy my conservative father approves of, first guy to drive my dad's vehicle. And that to me is very important, because I want to let my parents know this time I've made the right choice, I'm stronger than before and I'm not going to let them see me crying in the middle of the night anymore.
Pretty refreshing start. Not some friend of a friend, not someone in my MSN contacts, but a classmate, and a classmate who had a crush on me for one year. From my polytechnic, we were in the same class for one semester. We knew we lived superbly near each other upon chancing each other one day before an afternoon lesson, but we never questioned exactly where or when we should meet up for supper. And 2 years later, God put him right outside the Tampines Mall junction, leaning against a pillar smoking with a depressed expression, and put me right beside Tiffany Yo and Doreen Lau to walk past that pillar and turn my head to the left. And this fella' didn't want to acknowledge me unless I said hi first. $%^&*#@@#. Act shy. Why not I act virginal too and fly gently away into the sky from where you're standing so you look like an idiot staring upwards with an open mouth. He asked for my number, we went out for supper, dated every day before we got together. Exaggerated story, you're saying. But it's true and also very very possible because we live so damn near each other. Like 1 traffic junction and 1 carpark.
I gotta go to bed. It's Hui's birthday tomorrow! And exams are due in 1 week. 4 papers. Enough to ruin my after-project-submission happy mood. I can spend more time with little Sunshine too.
it's Saturday, April 05, 2008 now