of crushed hopes and dreams
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Two years ago I entered into a mid-life crisis when I wasn't even an ounce close to 40. Now, there is no crisis, leaving murdered dreams and never-to-be-revived hopes. I refused to stop fighting the war a few months ago. And I have to fall to my knees and admit defeat after much struggle. He was the first I ever truly dreamed of marrying. Unlike the others, he didn't take my love as short-term, he didn't abuse me and cheat on me. He gave me all his love. There was never a day I felt insecure or asked to be reassured, because both of us knew we were serious about each other and that we aimed to build a life together. Like sand over fire, the smoke spits out just like our relationship bitterly ended. I was changing myself to suit him. I didn't realize over time until my sister pointed it out to me. And I also knew that this change would not be permanent and it would create bigger problems. Change or not, another huge problem came up. Actually it was there all along, in trivial occurrences but I was short-sighted to overlook these. I could continue dating him for another two or three years, so long as I didn't wish to marry. Which is absolutely immature because this does not equate to a long-term relationship. We are not a bunch of secondary school kids kissing in the void deck staircases. I see a number of people around me, living for the moment, like what Roy said. We would never be able to bring our relationship up to another level. A couple quarrel, kiss and make up the next day because one believes "I love you so much, can't do without you, let's forgive and forget", waste several good bloody years, only to find out when they're past 30, that his or her partner can only be as good as a boyfriend or girlfriend, and nothing more. This is painful, much more painful than what I had expected. Because I still love him very much.
I want to stop hiding and crying under my pillow. I need to get out of the house. Too much rejection has reared its ugly face already. So I packed my bags and walked out. Suddenly the darkness of the night didn't seem so frightening during this month, but rather, it gave me shadows I could hide my sadness in.
Even in my sister's house, I am still reminded of his presence. Putting the toothpaste on his toothbrush in the morning. Drying out the bathing towels for his next use. Snatching the blanket from him in the cold bedroom. Jeering at him at every Wii game. Ironically cheering him on when he's doing a one-player game. I stare back at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror, and realize that the other toothbrush my sister had lay on the counter was not going to be used by its owner, for a long long time. The Strawberry Minnie Mouse plush he had won from those UFO machines for my sister proved his prior presence in all of our lives. I finally come to terms that two people with a romantic relationship can never part on peaceful terms. Not necessarily chaotic, but possibly grudgingly or regretfully. You can try to be friends, but you know that there are some thing you will never ever let the other one on, because it is too heartwrenching to relate to the person whom broke your heart. You can be cruel, and realize that one day the tables will be turned on you. I am thankful that God ever arranged for him to enter my life, know my family and wash away my bouts of helplessness. They say some women marry men who in some ways, resembles their fathers' ways and character. I found one like that. Only that we were never meant to be. Hopefully, in the future, we will. But even now that hope is frail. I'm back to square one. And probably more emotionally exhausted than ever. I don't ever want to date anymore. Tiffany, I wished so bad you were here, I wish so bad. Maybe if you were here things could take a turn for the better. But it's too late.Goodbye to him, goodbye to whatever blissful wedding ceremony and lovely kids in the fuzzy cloud above my head.
