you are my sunshine
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sunshine didn't wait for me. Didn't wait for me to coax him to sleep. He gracefully went into the loving arms of the Lord, and the Lord took him with much kindness.
He lay in his favourite spot, right behind the exercise wheel. Eyes closed, his tiny paws slightly tensed.
I saw him sleeping soundly, so I didn't switch on the lights or it might wake him up.
An hour later, I did my usual thing, sit down in front of the cage to observe the little fella. He was still sleeping, in the same position. He shifts his sleeping positions very frequently, so I was puzzled.
I moved the cage. He didn't move. I tapped on the cage. He didn't move. I shook the cage. He didn't move. It hit me in the head. I wailed out loud. Bellowed and bawled continuously. 1.40am.
He must have left me an hour and a half ago. His body wasn't very cold. But stiff enough to push the cruel news in my wet eyes.
Why didn't he wait for me? Why didn't he wait for me to say my last farewell? What am I going to do now? How do I tell my sister?
My dad ran from his sofa and cuddled me in his arms. I tried to break away, trying to fully acknowledge my grief, till my head tilted backwards and my father nearly fell together with me. I don't quite remember what he said to me.
Mama came out of her room, staring at the both of us. She didn't step forward to look into the cage immediately. She already knew. Daddy looked at her and said those awful words. Mama said his time was up.
She told me to stop crying, with a hint of strictness yet sympathy. I didn't obey. I couldn't see anything through my brimming eye sockets. After a while I used the back of my hands to vigorously rub away the water from my eyes, but still, I couldn't see Sunshine clearly. I couldn't see if he was sleeping or, dead.
I covered my face wailing louder. I stood up and entered my bedroom. I sat on my bed, wondering what to do next. The crying had been reduced to subdued weeping, before turning predictably into loud sobs.
I reached for the phone and dialed Adele's number with trembling fingers. It was bedtime for her but she answered the call as if she expected it. My whimpering episodes started again. My lips couldn't bring themselves to form the words. Her anxiety was overflowing to my line. I said, "Sunshine....sunshine...he left us...he left the family...he didn't wait for me...he didn't....".
While waiting for Adele to drive over, I sat down in front of the cage and braced myself. And picked Sunshine's lifeless body up. I told him to wake up. He didn't budge. I stroked his fur gently, pulling all the sawdust that had stuck to his thin body. Now I had to prepare for his burial.
As I looked upon Sunshine, I thought of the time he was first brought into the house.
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Adele (holding a Pet Safari paper box): I brought you your birthday present!
Athena: Er....Jie, I don't think I can take up this responsibility. I'm really busy with school and I won't have time to take care of it.
Adele: Of course you can! He is really adorable, you will love him, Athena. I thought of a name for him. His name is Sunshine.
Athena: Jie, I'm really not sure.....
She opened the box slowly, and the white furry infant, sitting down, turned his head around fearfully and looked up at us.
Athena: Oh my god...he is...he is...beautiful...like Snowy...
Adele: I spent a lot of time observing him before I got him. He didn't play with the rest of the hamsters, he sat in one corner and groomed himself. He's really gentle and hand-friendly.
My parents came over to look at the baby. They were amazed. But they also said I couldn't keep it. Sunshine was still looking at us.
Athena: Jie, I can't do it.
Adele: If you don't want it, I can return it to the pet shop (her eyes started to swell) Can't you see he needs so much love? He is so small and timid. Will you reconsider please?
My parents were still shaking their heads.
I didn't want to reject my sister's birthday present to me; Sunshine was a representation of love and companionship for me from her. And he was beautiful, like snow. He was hand-picked by some way of God to be taken care of by our family.
Within a day, he melted my parents' hearts and won them over. I would sit in front of his cage and call his name repeatedly, so that he would know his name is Sunshine.
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I poured the hamster powder on him, using the brush in gentle strokes, such that the grain of the fur were in one direction. My hands were quavering. Anguish filled up my heart again, my tears were all over my shirt and thighs; some of them had seeped into Sunshine. Daddy came over and looked at me, his face flushed, his eyes as damp as mine.
Adele and I packed his favourite food of tiny fish, corn, soya beans and sunflower seeds.
2.10am. Daddy searched for his tiny spade. Adele held Sunshine in her palms. We went to the grass patches to bury Sunshine. I counted the 12th concrete tile. Sunshine was given to me on my birthday.
Daddy wiped his tears with his shirt after laying Sunshine in the soil. It was our final goodbye to this little bundle of joy who spread so much love in the household.
I went home, and lay beside Mama in her bed. She asked me what was wrong (stating the obvious). I said, "No more sunshine." She didn't respond and I left my room.
Half an hour later, Mama was awake and reading in her room. Her eyes were red and her face had gone pale.
I went to sleep, the tears soaking up my pillow.
I thought he would survive the crucial 3 days. The doctor wasn't even sure if he would make it back home on Thursday.
My sister said, "Meimei, I know you are tasking with something very challenging. Picking frail little Sunshine and feeding him with so much medicine is not easy. Sunshine brought us losta joy and laughter, now it is time to repay him this little favour and ease his pain to make his last days easier. But if you put in your best efforts to nurse him during this period, don't be surprised that he might miraculously get well again. Our past hamsters all outlived the vet's expectations! If he can get through the next 3 days, his chances of survival doubles."
This message brought me so much hope, and I was motivated to help Sunshine recover. When I fed him medicine the first time, I had to coax him for 20 minutes. A few times I had to force it into his mouth. He was very stressed, he ran away from my hand, and his heartbeat was erratic. He would run for a while, before collapsing and laying down on that same spot to rest. He didn't even have energy to crawl to his usual sleeping area. When he slept, his eyes were big, wide open. He took quite some time to fall asleep. My heart ached so bad at the torment he was suffering. The pain was in his teary eyes, it was in every step he took, it was in every heartbeat.
The next day he got so much better and could climb into his food bowl to eat. He would come to my pump syringe for medicine and I was so happy! I was sure he had a chance of surviving the weekend! Still, his inability to fall asleep quickly was worrying, and he always had this resigned expression. Even when I stroked him to sleep, his eyes wouldn't move.
No more medicine from those horrible syringes. My baby is in heaven, free of pain and sadness. I neglected him because of school, but I gave my best shot during his last few days. Thank you God for giving Sunshine some time, and giving me the last chance to show my love for him.
You gave me the best years of your life.
You kept Daddy awake in the mornings with your exercise regime.
You snatched carrot sticks and cabbage leaves from Mummy.
You banged the water bottle on the cage grills when it was empty, to alert us.
You climbed up the cage, sniffing attentively when I had my afternoon chats with you.
You peed in your food bowl as a baby and I would scold you.
You threw tantrums when I rearranged your bedding in the corners.
You jumped into the food bowl and ate for a good 10 minutes when Daddy replenished in the mornings.
You fainted for a while when Adele put the durian seed near your nose.
You always expect us to hand feed you when we opened the cage.
You climbed up so high till you couldn't take your weight and plunged into the bedding (many many times).
You tried to escape whenever we opened the cage.
You loved munching on apples and grapes.
You bit my palm so hard that I didn't ever want to carry you again.
You were so brave and crawled on Adele's arm without falling.
You were afraid of the dark when you were 2 months old and squeaked for a few days in your new home.
You loved your pink wheel so much you would sleep, shit, groom yourself in it.
You flashed your "Do Not Disturb" sign when you hid under the wheel.
You shared a bit of my bread with me.
You ignored me when I annoyed you while you were grooming.
You hated me brushing power on your body.
You made us love you so much, and now we're hurting from all that missing.
When the sun shines upon the green fields, I know you will keep my heart warm with your eternal love.
