my grandma's cortege III
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Two coaches brought us the new Mandai crematorium. It was nothing like Mount Vernon at Aljunied, nothing like those huge stones with engraving on a moutain. The environment was simple yet serene, with grey and white as the colour of the buildings. There were escalators to transport us from one level to another, and windows were the roof of every building or hall. Even the design from the individual service halls, corridors, bathrooms to the viewing halls were too modern and contempary. Wooden benches, marble table tops, hand railings, carpeted flooring, broadly cut steps: Is there a reason for this unique design for A crematorium? Is it really appropriate? As we entered the viewing mall, a darker cloud hung over all of us. It was the moment grandma's physical presence would officially leave us, leave the mortal world and burn to ashes and dust. We stared at the machine pushing grandma's coffin to the awaiting furnace, and started to grief and cry. At this point, my hands were still together, I want to pray for her until her final farewell. I was too sad to put my hands over my 14 year old cousin, be a strong big sister to comfort her. I forced my throat and mouth not to cry out loud, I pushed back grudgingly the emotions in my head, and sobbed with little moans. This time, I did not brush away the tears, but let all grief and sadness flow freely. When the door closed, I knew it was final. Farewell Ah Ma, xi wang ni hui kuai le (hope you will be happy where you are). We left the viewing hall and went to an area outside. We were told to remove the cloths on our sleeves and the socks. A man gave us green leaves and a red packet (with real money inside). From that moment on, we were not in mourning anymore. How ironic is that. One moment I'm crying like mad, the next I've to control my tears and act happy?My cousin and I went to the toilet. And I still continued to sob. On the way back in the bus, I saw my cousin cry. She was sitting behind me. I could understand her grief as she had lived with grandma her whole life, and grandma had helped take care of her brother as well. My 14 year old cousin sat beside me. After I thought I had calmed myself down, Natalie stared at the passing landscape. I saw through the corner of my eye that she was still rubbing her eyes. A young child like her could even feel sad even after the funeral was over; it was heartwarming. I began to tear too, and tried to play micropool on my handphone to distract my thoughts. Next year, I won't be seeing grandma anymore. She won't be bringing out packet drinks and opening containers of titbits to offer me. She won't be wishing me all the best in my studies and 'kuai gao zhang da' (grow up faster). I can't hold her hand anymore, squeeze her shoulder, and tell her to take good care of herself and get enough rest. She watched me grow from a naughty child to a young adult. Grandma, I've grown into the young lady with the feminine nature you always think girls should have, and I will work hard in school. I really hope you will be good where you are, and you'll always be remembered by all of us, from young to old in the family.
it's Wednesday, March 09, 2005 now
