From 35 calls to 2 missed calls. I think I took quite a big leap already. But he still refuses to return my 2 calls or 1 message. My mind is twirling with tornadoes of questions, and the answers see no today or tomorrow. I wonder if this is what I'm really worth to him after a year.

He probably couldn't stand the drawing of the Japanese couple I gave to him either. My last present to him. His reluctance when receiving the card, the tight uncomfortable smile, every facial expression, every body language, brought tears to my eyes instantly. What the hell wrong did I do to deserve this. Perhaps, my goodwill had stretched too far, till it hurt the other party. So bad he had to resign from anything associated with me.

I don't remember since when, he stopped calling to ask if I had reached home safely after a 30 min taxi ride. Similarly, I wasn't expecting a call on Sunday when I returned to my room. My heart was heavy. I picked up the phone and called him. 1 rings, 2 rings, 3 rings, no answer. I need not send a message because the caller ID does a good job of conveying my safety.

For 39 days, I gave too much benefit of the doubt. Now I come to a realisation that arrived too late, that my calls were never willingly answered, my messages were intentionally ignored. I'm slowly letting things go, I'm trying my utmost best. I'm holding back every single tear, I don't want to slip back, I want to be strong so I believe in hope and miracles.

Now the situation's worse. He deliberately locked me out of his world, and before bidding farewell, had the audacity to shower promises like flower rain on my heart. No longer a garden of dreams, but a storm of despair hit me terribly. To lock someone completely out of your world must be difficult as well. I wished I knew the thoughts running through his head when his phone is blinking non-stop.

I've become the repulsive one in a blink of the eye. I knew the world is real, but I only know now the one you love is really real. I was afraid, alone, I needed security. I never meant to scare you, your love off. I never expected you to challenge my suicide rantings. I gave up so much, if I gave up life, my return would be condemnation.

Love is mutual, they say. Let's say for now, everything's done and over with. I apologise for not being able to look ahead.


The wedding gown is stained crimson
The netted gloves are torn
The head-dress has frayed
The heels of the shoes have broken

but the rings are scratched and tarnished